Currently it’s 10 in the evening, and I feel like a Bradford Pear tree is blooming inside my sinuses. I’m congested and can’t stop sneezing. I’m trying–trying–to not make this a national emergency. Yesterday I saw my ENT, and he reminded me that people–mere mortals like myself–get sick, get sick with sinus infections that typically last one or two months. “Whenever you get a sinus infection, the cilia inside your nasal cavities STOPS moving for six weeks minimum,” he said. Which means the mucus inside your head (or my head as the case may be) is tougher to move OUT.
Geez. Fine time for those little guys to go on strike.
The good news is that my ENT said he’s been having “really good results” with a specially compounded antibiotic/steroid mix that can be added to one’s nasal rinse. “Nose sprays only reach so far into your sinus cavities,” he said, “so nasal rinses are better.” And whereas I don’t love the idea of using antibiotics and steroids, I like that they wouldn’t be directly affecting my gut or overall body. Just my sinuses. Plus, I’ve given alternative treatments a good go (God knows I have), but, despite some spectacular results, they aren’t consistently cutting the mustard. So I’m willing to try something new.
My body continues to be a laboratory.
Along the lines of making efforts to heal, this morning I had an EDG (esophagogastroduodenoscopy) to scope out (get it?) the root cause of my acid reflux. Y’all, I don’t mind saying I totally enjoyed the drugs the anesthesiologist used to knock me out. Best sleep I’ve had all year. Alas, they said I couldn’t take any home with me. They also said I had a “small” hiatal hernia, basically an open door in my intestinal system that’s allowing certain fluids to sneak out and roam around where they shouldn’t be (in my throat).
At one time I would have been bothered by this information. Like, I’m falling apart. But more and more I’m convinced that my body can heal, or at the very least handle, all sorts of challenges. Plus, I know I’m getting good help. In a couple weeks, after the doctor gets some biopsy results back (“just to make sure there aren’t other contributing factors”), I’ll meet with him and get a game plan. After over a year and a half of NOT knowing what’s been causing all my intestinal distress, I’m like, bring it on.
More and more I think the more information I have, the better. This is my approach not only to my physical health, but also to my mental and emotional health (which I’m separating less and less from my physical health these days). My therapist says my dedication to understanding myself is “remarkable,” but–I don’t know–I’m just determined to unearth what makes me tick, what makes us all tick. And although I don’t claim to have all the answers, I’m convinced that if we’re overwhelmed by emotions, limiting beliefs, dysfunctional relationships (bad boundaries), and even health concerns, there’s a reason. Even science promotes this idea, solidly linking childhood trauma to heart disease and a number of other physical problems. Google the Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) quiz.
As Caroline Myss says, “Your biography becomes your biology.”
For me, it’s natural to dig into my interior, although I know many people run from theirs. I mean, this journey isn’t for everyone. At the same time, you’re the one you live with day-in and day-out your entire life, so wouldn’t it behoove you to “know thyself,” like thyself, and even love thyself? Maybe that’s part of the reason we attempt to run from ourselves. (Which is, of course, a ridiculous and impossible notion.) We’re afraid of what we’ll find. But in my experience, even our scariest memories, emotions, and pains, when met with gentle compassion and curiosity, have something good to teach us. And leave us better on the other side.
Once a friend encouraged me to “sum up” what I’ve learned from my therapeutic and blogging journey. And whereas I get where they were coming from, it’s not really my style. For one thing, although I know bulleted lists are convenient, I personally almost always scan through them and think, I already know all that. Additionally, from the beginning I’ve said that I know my blogs are long and don’t have subheadings. Fine. This is on purpose. My invitation has been and continues to be–slow down, read a story, see if you can glean something from it.
Because some things, like yourself, are worth slowing down for. Are worth really thinking about.
Recently my therapist said that it’s never made sense to her that “someone will spend $80,000 on a car or botox” but not spend a fraction of that money on understanding themselves, on paying a professional for insights into their thoughts, behaviors, and relationships. Amen. So if I WERE to make a list, it would certainly include–seek help, get your ass in therapy (or do something useful that resonates with you), and don’t stop searching until you have some damn answers. Until you find something that works. In other words, don’t suffer needlessly. Not with your outsides. Not with your insides.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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For me, it's important to hang on to this idea that no matter how bad they are, your circumstances can turn around, to believe that if an elephant can show up in your life, it can also disappear, to believe that just as the universe full of big problems, it is also full of big answers.
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