On Resting and Experiencing Abundance (Blog #945)

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After posting yesterday’s blog, last night I went two-stepping. Talk about fun. There was a live band and everything. Today Facebook reminded me with a video that I was at this same venue, for the first time ever, a year ago. And whereas due to my knee injury and subsequent surgery this last December my dancing last night wasn’t what it was back then, I was still there, moving. I think this is important to remember, that just because you slow down doesn’t mean you have to quit. Just because your body changes doesn’t mean you have to stop doing the things you love.

Recently I told my therapist that a theme for me lately has been slowing down, chilling the eff out. My therapist was all for this and reminded me of one of her favorite sayings–don’t just do something, sit there. “Inaction is as powerful as action,” she said. “There are times when we simply need to rest and let things synthesize.” Nature knows this. Currently it’s fall, and the trees are shedding their leaves. For months they will appear to do nothing. However, come spring, look out, boy, they’ll be filled with life.

Last week I mentioned that you really don’t know what’s happening in terms of healing whenever your body’s sleeping. Along these lines, just because you can’t see signs of growth in nature during the fall and winter, doesn’t mean growth isn’t happening, and just because you’re not consciously DOING something doesn’t mean your subconscious isn’t. This idea has been on my mind a lot lately, that there’s more we don’t know than there is we do. We pray to the heavens and ask for help and then get upset when we don’t see immediate answers. But hasn’t it been your experience that God works in mysterious ways? For all you know, your answer could be being lined up for you, halfway around the world for that matter. Again, just because you can’t see something (an answer) doesn’t mean it’s not there or in the works.

The gods like surprises.

This afternoon I went out with a friend of mine for a late lunch, and we talked about financial concerns, which we both have, and job security, which neither of us have. Last night at the dance I told another friend, “I’m really trying to settle into this idea of abundance, not in the sense that I have to be flush with cash in every moment, but rather in the sense that the universe hasn’t forgotten about me and will always provide.” Well, tonight my friend and I got up to pay the bill, and the new girl at the register couldn’t find our ticket in the system. I don’t know about my friend, but I was thinking, Come on, sister, get your act together. I have to pee. The next thing I knew, the manager was there, and get this shit. She said, “Your ticket isn’t in the system because it’s already been paid for.”

My friend and I couldn’t figure this out. Neither of us knew anyone else in the restaurant. And yet someone picked up our tab. Either that, or there was a glitch in the system. Either way, we agreed, the universe did us a solid. And whereas normally when the universe picks up my tab my first thought is–That’s awesome, but what about the rest of my bills?–tonight I was simply grateful. Whenever I get in a tizzy about money, my therapist asks me, “Do you have money in your pocket, even five dollars? Do you have a roof over your head and gas in your car?”

“Yes,” I always reply.

“Then you’re being provided for,” she says. “By the majority of the world’s standards, you’re rich.”

More and more, I’m encouraged to bring the idea of abundance home to today. Like, today I was able to slow down, to rest. Today I ate a delicious meal I didn’t pay for. Today I enjoyed the company of a dear friend, absent any disagreement or strife. Today I was safe, supported, and encouraged.

Yes, today I experienced abundance.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Normal people don’t walk on water.

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Before You Open the Curtains (Blog #944)

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This morning I woke up early to go to therapy and, since I hadn’t cleaned up in a few days, took a shower. That’s right, I don’t shower every day, and there’s nothing you can do to make me. But I digress. When I’d finished scrubbing myself from top to bottom, I turned off the hot water and rinsed off in only the cold. For two whole minutes. This is something I’ve been doing recently in order to give my cardiovascular system a workout. And boy does it work. As soon as the cold water hits my neck, I all but stop breathing. But then, instinctively, I take one deep breath, practically from my toes. From that point on, the water’s cold of course, but it’s like it warms up.

What’s really happening, however, is that I’m warming up. This is the point, that one’s body should be able to thermoregulate. When it’s hot out, the body should sweat in order to cool off. When it’s cold out, the body should burn fat or shiver in order to produce heat.

For me, the benefits of cold showers go beyond the physical. For decades I’ve hated the cold, hated the winter. Mostly because I spend so much time miserable. My feet can never get warm. By the time February rolls around, my toes feel like they’re going to fall off. Anyway, all of this has amounted to my developing the belief that my body is somehow weak and unable to handle the elements. I think of homeless people or cowboys who used to sleep on the range, and I affirm to myself, I could never make it out there. I’m too fragile. A delicate flower. Currently I’m listening to Stevie Nicks sing, “Can I handle the seasons of my life?” and the old me is thinking, Yes, I can rock spring, summer, and fall, but no, I can’t handle winter.

The new me, however, is starting to believe I can. I’ve been running around to antique malls today, and the weather has been frightful–dark, wet, forty-four degrees. And whereas I’d normally be bundled up like the Michelin Man, I’m not. Whereas I’d normally have the heater turned up in my car, I haven’t. Instead, I’ve dressed appropriately and have let the air run colder–sixty-eight degrees. Granted, my feet are still chilly, but the point is I’m not afraid of this coming season. I may never fall in love with winters, but I’m determined not to hate them. Because they’re part of life and so am I. Because more and more I believe I’m strong enough to handle whatever life hurls my way.

Let’s say it together.

I am not a delicate flower.

This morning my therapist said, “Marcus, you’re always saying that you’ve changed so much, but here’s the way I think about it. The real you, your authentic self, has always been on stage. It’s just that, before the lights were off, the curtains were drawn, and the front doors were locked. This is what the process of transformation really is, unlocking the doors, turning on the lights, opening up the curtains, and revealing more of who you truly are.” I like this way of thinking about things. When it comes to personal growth and reaching your highest potential, you’re not being asked to become someone you’re not. Chances are, you’ve probably already done that. Rather, you’re being asked to reveal exactly who you are underneath your society-approved-of facade–a messy, talented, emotional, beautiful child of life.

You were made from this life and for this life.

My therapist says it’s normal (well, regular–she poo-poos the word normal because–I don’t know–normal doesn’t exist, fuck normal) to live your life behind the curtains, that most people not only have the curtains drawn, but also have a barbed wire fence and an American Ninja Warrior style obstacle course between them and the people in their lives. And why wouldn’t we? Who doesn’t get the message from day one on this planet that SOMETHING is fundamentally wrong and shameful about themselves? You’re a sinner. You’re a worm. You’re a woman (just here to keep men from being lonely). You’re queer. You’re fat. You’re ugly. And therefore less than. And therefore unlovable. Lies. I’m not saying you’re perfect, but I am saying you’re just fine the way you are. I’m also saying you’re strong enough to handle what life hurls at you because you were made from this life and for this life. I’m saying we need you. I’m saying you don’t have to change a thing before you open the curtains.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Our burdens are lighter when we share them.

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Is It Serious? (Blog #943)

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Sunday evening I started a forty-hour fast that I broke today. Yesterday, Monday, I weighed myself. It wasn’t pretty. I was up 1.6 pounds for the week, a total gain of 2.6 pounds from my lowest point two weeks ago. But then I weighed again today, Tuesday, just before I ended my fast. Y’all, in twenty-four hours I lost 4.2 pounds! This means I’ve lost a total of 11.6 pounds in the last six weeks and am currently at my lowest weight since–I don’t know–over a year ago. (Insert my elastic pants breathing a collective sigh of relief here.) I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. I’m five pounds away from skinny-bitch size and ten pounds away from twink size. That being said, if I lose any more body fat, I’m going to have to invest in some flannel underwear for the winter.

This is the essence of balance–skinny bitches and twinks may thrive in the sun, but they shiver in the snow.

Getting back to my forty-hour fast, it was fine. Sure, I got hungry, but never more than I get on a regular basis. The hunger just lasted longer. And whereas I probably went a smidge overboard at breakfast this afternoon (I ate at 12:30), my body handled it well. Sort of. You know that noise an old car makes when you’re trying to start it for the first time in a year–chugga, chugga, splat, hiss, roar? That’s what my stomach sounded like fifteen minutes after breakfast. But that was it. This afternoon I had a light snack (nuts and an apple) and this evening I had a bowl of chicken fried rice and an egg roll, no problem.

After breakfast I exercised at home (part of my routine is pictured above) and listened to a lecture by Alan Watts about the difference between work and play. Watts says it’s mostly a mindset, that he’s seen shoe shiners and bus drivers having an absolute ball by essentially turning their work into a dance. This analogy, of course, made sense to me (because I’m a dancer), the idea that there’s a way to move through any job or task with rhythm and energy. I’ve been trying to do this all day. While doing handyman work, I danced with my tools. While folding laundry, I danced with my pants and socks. Now I’m dancing with my keyboard. Mary Poppins said, “In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and–snap!–the job’s a game.” Same idea.

I really like this notion of treating whatever you’re doing as a dance, of turning your work into a game. This evening I installed a grab bar in my parents’ shower, and it really was a hoot. For one thing, it was like a mystery–Where can I find a stud (but seriously, where?), Is this gong to work out? In this sense, my working in my parents’ shower was a mini version of my entire life, me wondering what’s going to happen next, if everything is going to come together. And whereas I can’t speak for the future, so far everything HAS come together–including tonight’s shower project–so I’m betting whatever’s left will too.

Watts says there are four fundamental philosophical questions–Who started it?, Are we gonna make it?, Where are we gonna put it?, and Who’s gonna clean up? These questions, he says, beg a fifth question–Is it serious? Well, if you’re familiar with Watts’s work, you’ll know he’d answer no, whatever it is isn’t serious. It won’t matter in a hundred years. What’s more, life is a dance, life is a game. This viewpoint makes the biggest difference. Normally when I diet and exercise I put all this pressure on myself. Like I’m going to hell if I don’t succeed in lowering my cholesterol. But this time around I’ve been more lighthearted about it, like, I’m just going to play around with this and see what happens. You can do this with anything–your finances, your relationships, your job. Don’t make changes because you HAVE TO, because you MUST, but rather because you can, because you WANT to, because it’s fun.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes you have to go back before you can go forward.

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What Do YOU Want to Do? (Blog #942)

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After a full weekend of working and partying (and gaining an pound and a half), today I took a break from working and eating. This is something I’m trying to do, consciously rest and fast one day a week. Last Saturday/Sunday was my first attempt, and I fasted for 23 hours. (It didn’t suck.) So far this time I’m at 26. Unless something drastic happens first, I’ll break the fast at, well, breakfast tomorrow. With any luck at all, I will have erased some of my food sins from this last week and, more importantly, given my body a chance to heal.

In order to not spend the day thinking about food, I’ve spent the day watching movies, first Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindenwald, then Rocketman, the Elton John biopic. Also, I watched the next to last episode of The Deuce, a series my therapist started me on (but not for therapeutic reasons). Anyway, I’ve been hungry and a little lightheaded (please don’t ask me to be articulate), but it hasn’t been awful. One thing I’ve been thinking about is how we make things out to be a big deal in our heads that aren’t a big deal in reality. For example, not eating. I keep thinking, I don’t know if I can make it. But it turns out our bodies were designed to survive–for a while–without food. I mean, it’s not like our ancestors had refrigerators and a plethora of fast food restaurants a stone’s throw away.

What did they have, Marcus?

Their fat.

Another thing that’s more difficult to do in your head than in reality is going to therapy. Since I started therapy over five years ago, a number of friends and family members have said, “I would never go. I could never go.” Okay. What are you so afraid of–a conversation? Because that’s all that happens there. Of course, you’ll be challenged to change, but it’s not like anybody holds a gun to your head and demands that you get some boundaries. (“Tell your aunt Sally to stop being so nosey, or I’ll pull the trigger!”) That’s all up to you. Change is always up to you.

Of course, making changes and having healthy boundaries isn’t easy. If it were, everyone would do it. But again, experience has taught me that difficult conversations are mostly difficult in my head. Not that every confrontation I’ve had over the last five years has been comfortable and fun, but they’ve all gone better than expected. Once I open my mouth and say, “I think we need to talk,” I find strength I didn’t know was there. I hear myself saying things I was afraid to say (“I’m done with this shit,” “I’m sorry,” “I’d like to try again”) and think, Okay, I’m doing it. This is really happening. When it’s all over I think, Phew. That wasn’t so bad.

Something else I’ve been thinking about is a question my therapist often asks me when I directly or indirectly ask for her advice–“What do YOU want to do?” This, I think, is the mark of a good therapist or even a good friend–rather than taking your problem as an opportunity to pontificate and sound smart, they turn you back to your own wisdom. They affirm that YOU know what’s best for YOUR life. Recently I had a disagreement with someone, and when I asked my therapist how to handle it, she said, “What do want to do–other than kick them in the junk?” Well, it was a professional relationship, and I wanted to quit, to walk away. Ultimately, that’s what I did. I was polite about it, but I said, “I’m outta here.”

And I’ve been happier ever since.

I guess my therapist asks this question of her clients a lot–what do you want to do?–not because most people don’t know what they want to do, but rather because most people are afraid to do what they want to do–quit a job, turn down an invitation, tell someone to fuck off (to the moon, Alice!). At one point when I owned the dance studio I had some drama with a student and found myself being nervous to go to work–AT MY OWN STUDIO! Well, it took me a couple days to grow the balls, but I eventually said what I wanted to–“I’d like you to leave and not come back.” The best part? They did. Now, they took their money and a few of their friends (and THEIR money) with them, but the drama was over and I had more peace in my life.

The older I get, the more I’m convinced peace is priceless.

Joseph Campbell says we all start off life as camels. We take on heavy loads that aren’t our own–gladly. But if we’re lucky we evolve into lions, self-possessed creatures. The job of the lion, Campbell says, is to slay the dragon on whose scales is written the words “thou shalt.” This is part of the growing up or maturing process, that rather than forever being told by another what you should do, you become the authority for your own life. If your inner wisdom says to tell someone to get lost, you do it–and you accept the consequences. This is another part of growing up–you take responsibility for yourself and what your life looks like. You stop blaming others (your parents, the gods, the economy). You realize that at the end of the day the person with the most influence over your circumstances, your relationships, and your happiness–is you and you alone.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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And God knows you don't make everyone else happy. But this is no reason to quit or be discouraged, since doing what you love and feel called to do is never--never--about gaining acceptance from others.

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On Rainbow Brite and The Pits (Blog #941)

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Last night I went to my friend Kate’s birthday/costume party at a local karaoke bar. I dressed as the Blue Power Ranger, but some dude at the bar asked if I was a character from Rainbow Brite. “I wish I were,” I said. My sister and I used to be all about that show.

Maybe next year.

Six weeks ago I started intermittent fasting and generally trying to be healthy. Well, you may find this hard to believe, but the karaoke bar was not serving cold-pressed juices. (Unless, of course, you count vodka as potato juice.) Likewise, Kate’s cookie cake was not made from almond flour. What I’m saying is that I broke a lot of my rules at Kate’s party. I drank vodka. I ate A LOT of cookie cake, fried mozzarella sticks, and–later on the way home–Taco Bell. Oh my gosh, how I’ve missed these things. Alas, my body has apparently not missed these things. When I woke up this morning I was gunky and felt like poop. I hate that choices have consequences. Of course, I’m sure all the secondhand smoke at the bar did not help.

Fortunately, I’ve felt better as the day has progressed. I’ve been drinking a lot of water and hot tea. This evening I took a nap. This is the deal when you either accidentally or (as in my case) purposefully fall off The Healthy Living Wagon–you don’t beat yourself up and you don’t stay off the wagon; you just get right back on. One night of indulgence may have its consequences, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ve lost eight to ten pounds in the last six weeks, and I didn’t gain them back last night just because I ate half of Kate’s cookie cake and two mozzarella sticks. That’s not how this stuff works.

It’s funny how we want to lose some things (like our fat asses) but don’t want to lose others. This evening while unpacking from my house sitting gig this weekend, I realized I’ve lost one of my favorite rings. And whereas I’ve looked in all the usual places I put it, I haven’t been able to find it. I hate that. I’ve had that ring for over ten years and wear it almost every week.

Of course, chances are the ring will show up. It always has anytime I’ve lost it before. That being said, tonight I’ve been thinking, What if this is it, what if it’s time to say goodbye? This weekend I’ve learned that a number of friends have had loved ones die recently. The loss of a ring is clearly nothing compared to the loss of a person, and perhaps that’s the point. But whether it’s the loss of a cherished object or the loss of a cherished person, sooner or later we have to let go. Nothing in the physical world lasts forever.

Having willfully given up a number (most) of my physical possessions, honestly, makes losing things easier. Not easy, per say, but easier, since whenever you willfully let go of your attachment to one thing you consequently let go of your attachment to all things. Tonight I’ve been thinking, If my ring really is lost, how big of deal do I want to make this? What I mean is, How miserable do I want to make myself? It’s fine to feel sad over a loss, of course, I just know there’s little point in my creating an isn’t-it-awful drama about a lost ring when almost everything else in my life is going well. It’s just a ring.

Earlier after I wrote about being mistaken for a Rainbow Brite character (Buddy Blue), I went down a childhood memory rabbit hole and downloaded all the songs from the 1984 Rainbow Brite album. (The link is to a ZIP file.) In one song called “The Pits,” Murky and Lurky, the two bad guys who want to suck all the color and life out of Rainbow Land, sing, “Accentuate the negative and be a pessimist, no better place for griping than The Pits.” If you want to put yourself in a bad mood, this is the formula to follow–look on the dark side, complain. Conversely, if you want to put yourself in a good mood, Rainbow Brite suggests using your “wits to keep away The Pits.” To me this means using your mind to shift the way you see anything negative in your world. This is what therapy has done for  me, not shielded me from bad days and loss, but rather helped me change my perspective about these things.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Authenticity is worth all the hard work. Being real is its own reward."

On Intuition, Healing, and Self-Care (Blog #940)

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Things I’ve been thinking about today–

1. Intuition and emotions

This morning while cleaning a client’s house I listened to a podcast that pointed out that intuition speaks to us in a number of ways. For example, gut feelings, dreams, and even messages from other people. Another way intuition speaks to us, it said, is through our emotions. Like a lot of people, I don’t love this fact, since getting information from your emotions requires feeling them first–and I’d much rather think about my feelings than feel them. Still, I’ve written before about how anger lets us know that our boundaries are being violated, so it makes sense to me that even uncomfortable emotions convey information, information we may need.

For example, yesterday I was absolutely exhausted. Consequently, I felt foggy and irritated. Well, for once, I listened to my body. Last night I went to bed at 11:15 PM and slept for almost twelve hours. And whereas I haven’t felt fresh as a daisy today, I have felt better. I’ve been able to keep my eyes open and even work all afternoon.

Framing my tiredness in the context of intuitive information, I can see that my body was letting me know something important, that I needed rest, that I needed self-care. So often we think of intuition as these big flashes of insight or visions or angels that come to us in our sleep. And yet the truth is that we’re being guided every minute of every day. Yesterday I said that life isn’t complicated, and apparently intuition isn’t either. It starts with how you feel right here, right now.

2. Healing

As I just mentioned, I slept a good part of the day yesterday. And whereas my first instinct when my body is dragging is to think that something is wrong, today I’ve been thinking it’s possible that something is right. Caroline Myss points out that when you’re sick, you really don’t know what it is that needs healing. Sure, you may have certain symptoms you want to go away, but what if those symptoms are there to alert you to something more important–poor boundaries with others, for example, or less than ideal dietary choices? Along these lines, I’ve been thinking that my body’s cry for sleep could quite simply be a cry for healing. That is, how do I know what’s being fixed while I slumber? I’ve changed a lot mentally and emotionally these last several years, and to think that my body doesn’t need a chance to “catch up” would be ridiculous. More and more I think that I don’t have to understand why my body’s asking for something, so much as I simply have to give it what it’s asking for.

3. Self-care and time management

When I went to bed early last night, the productive part of me was worried that I wouldn’t have enough time today to clean my client’s house and do everything else I had planned for this evening. (I’m having dinner with my family later then going out with friends.) Well, my worries were unfounded. This morning and afternoon I began tackling my chores. And whereas I’m not completely done, I’m close enough and can finish tomorrow. This afternoon I mentally worked out the rest of my day. I thought, If I work until five, then blog for an hour and fifteen minutes, that will give me thirty minutes to shower and get to dinner and so on. Two years ago I wouldn’t have planned at all. I would have waited until after going out to blog and, consequently, would have really been exhausted. But currently I’m not worried, frantic, or tired. I have twenty minutes to get this blog posted, then I can enjoy the rest of my evening. This is another way to care for yourself–manage your time well.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You really do belong here.

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Life Isn’t Complicated (Blog #939)

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WTF? I’ve been tired all day. This morning I woke up at ten, then went back to sleep until noon. Then I ate breakfast, read a book, and took a two hour nap until four-thirty. Now it’s 10:15, and I’m about to fall out of the chair I’m sitting in. Seriously, I don’t know what the deal is. I can barely keep my eyes open. I hope I’m not dying. That would suck. I’m sure I’m not. Don’t send flowers just yet. Other than being tired, I feel fine. Exhausted, worn out, and run down (and as long as I’m being honest, irritated about it all), but fine.

Recently I heard Caroline Myss say that the thing we all have in common is that life isn’t working out for us like we want it to. Ain’t that the truth, Ruth? Take today, for example. I’d wanted to read more and exercise (I’m trying to get in shape here), but my body said no. This is mostly why I’m irritated. Because I had plans but haven’t been able to do them. Currently I’m house sitting and have some chores to do, but–quite frankly–I’m not sure they’re going to happen. Unless, of course, one of the chores is “snore.”

Lately I’ve been exploring the idea of slowing down and being okay with it, and clearly I’ve still got some work to do. That is, I’m fine with slowing down in theory, but slowing down in practice is more difficult. At least for more than half an hour. I suppose this is because I get such a good feeling when I’m being productive and, thus, my self-esteem is tied up in my being busy. I don’t feel worthless when I’m lying around, but I do feel worth less. Granted, there’s nothing wrong with accomplishing things, but there’s also nothing wrong with not accomplishing things. Especially when “not accomplishing things” means taking care of your body and soul.

Several times since I started therapy, my therapist has had to postpone or cancel my appointments due to her being sick or a family member being sick. Once she had to take off for a number of weeks. “I can’t be present with myself and my loved ones and still be present with my clients,” she explained, “so I need some time off. I preach self-care to others, and I intend to practice what I preach.” I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I run a blog about self-care, and although I think I do well with the mental aspect of health, I don’t do so well with the physical. Whenever my body asks me to rest, I usually say, “Okay, but let me get some work done first.” No wonder my body occasionally slams on the brakes.

As I see it, my body being tired is an opportunity for me to practice what I’ve been preaching lately–slowing down and being okay with it. I imagine I’ll gain a hundred pounds if I don’t exercise today, but the truth is I won’t and there will be plenty of time for exercising later. I imagine I have to get all my chores done tonight, but the truth is I have all weekend. Or even next week if I need it. One of the things I need to do is mow the lawn, but because it’s been raining nonstop for two days I couldn’t mow the lawn even if I felt like it. I’ve said a number of times that “things happen when they happen” and that I believe in divine timing, so now’s my chance to act like it. Life isn’t complicated. How do I know I need to rest now? I’m tired.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All the while, we imagine things should be different than they are, but life persists the way it is.

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Recognition (Blog #938)

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This morning I lay in bed and thought, Maybe this afternoon I’ll go for a hike. Well, sometimes decisions are made for you. When I got up and looked out the window, it was pissing and pouring. So I didn’t hike today. Instead, I went out for breakfast with my family (today is my sister’s AND my aunt’s birthday), then I came home and worked out. And whereas I didn’t go balls-to-the-wall, my current healthcare philosophy is that something is better than nothing, that it’s more important to get into the habit of exercising than it is to do everything perfectly.

Perfectionism. Screw that.

After working out in my room, I got a burr up my butt to clean it (my room, not my butt). I guess I kept noticing all the I’ll-deal-with-that-later piles while I was standing up stretching and all the dust bunnies and clumps of (my) hair while I was lying on the floor yoga posing. Anyway, I thought, I can whip this place into shape in a hour. And whereas it took longer than that, I got it done–I dusted, vacuumed, rearranged. Now I’m lying in bed, basking in the glow of my hard work. One reason perfectionism is violent is because it won’t let you do this, actually enjoy your accomplishments. It keeps telling you something you did wasn’t good enough, that there’s still more to do.

Down with this sort of thing. There’s ALWAYS more to do. Tonight I’ve been thinking I still have a small pile of papers to sort through, and then there’s my closet. And my bathroom and the garage if I get on a role. Eeek. I could really get overwhelmed if I wanted to. But I don’t. I’d much rather enjoy what has been done. Recently I had someone point out that this was a benefit to slowing down and resting, the realization that a lot has already been accomplished. Take this blog, for example. I often get so bogged down in thoughts about what’s next–a book, perhaps–and how I’m not working on that thing that I feel like a lazy writer. But the truth is I’ve written every day for the last 938 days. I’m not lazy. Plus, as a result of my consistent effort, I have endless material for future projects and have learned more than I could ever fully express.

Yes, a lot has already been accomplished.

Along these lines, six weeks ago I started a diet and exercise program. Basically, I gave myself a year to get in shape. Well, this last week I’ve been obsessing over the fact that my weight loss has come to a standstill. Despite my consistently making healthy choices, I may have even gained a couple pounds that I had lost. Again, this is where perfectionism could really trip a bitch up. That is, it’d be easy for me to go down the rabbit hole of “what a waste of time” and “if I can’t weigh what I did in high school than I might as well be three hundred pounds.” But I’ve been reminding myself that I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve been thinking, Just keep making good choices and see what happens. Be patient.

We can be happy right here, right now.

Lowering my I’ve-gotta-have-it-right-now expectations and slowing myself down helps. Because when I take my focus off what I want to happen that hasn’t and put it on what actually has, I’m pleased. For example, I’ve lost a solid eight pounds, I have more energy, and my clothes feel better. When I saw the doctor a couple weeks ago, the nurse said my blood pressure was “fabulous.” Ten months ago I was on crutches about to have knee surgery. Now my knee isn’t perfect, but I can walk, run, and dance again. More and more I understand that things will never be exactly like we want them to be. They’ll always be something to work on, something to improve. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean we can’t be happy right here, right now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s a power that comes when you meet life’s challenges head-on. Those are the times you breathe the deepest. Those are the times the waters come forth and your heart beats every bit as loud as the thunder claps. Those are the times you know more than ever—no matter what happens next—in this moment, you’re alive.

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On Constantly Being Productive (Blog #937)

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This morning I saw my therapist, and we discussed the idea of me slowing down, chilling the hell out. This came up because–as a general rule–I always feel like I need to be DOING more. Like if something isn’t happening in my life, I think it’s my fault, because I haven’t DONE enough. “That’s a real self-centered thing to think,” my therapist has said in the past. Alas, I can’t seem to shake the notion that if I only knew more or worked harder, the stars would align, the flowers would blossom, and the birds would sing. Okay, so I see my therapist’s point. Clearly there are plenty of things in this universe that are outside of my control.

I hate that.

A couple weeks ago I wrote that one reason we need to slow done is to give the things in our life a chance to integrate. Today my therapist said something similar. Stretching her arms wide she said, “Marcus, you have ALL THIS KNOWLEDGE in your head, and it needs time to settle, the way water needs time to settle into the soil whenever you water a plant.” Admittedly, I have a tough time with this, doing nothing, resting. I don’t know where or how it started, but I’m a do-er. A go-go-go-er. A burn-the-candle-at-both-ends-er. And yes, I know what happens when you burn the candle at both ends.

My dad’s told me a thousand times.

Today my therapist said, “One pattern that you’re still really stuck in is constantly being productive.” Boy is she ever right. If I’m not actively working, I’m normally busy learning–reading a book, listening to a podcast–or otherwise trying to improve myself. Hell, even when I watch television I’m usually thinking about the stories from a writer’s perspective. My therapist suggested I do more of what I did this last Sunday–watch television for fun. “Just sit there,” she said. “One day you’ll be so busy working and traveling or whatever that you’ll WISH you had all the free time you have now, so I suggest enjoying the hell out of your life as it is. Shit, I wish I had enough time to get my nails done, but I’m too busy.”

I think this is really important to remember. We imagine that our lives will be better when, but the truth is that even if certain things improve (like our jobs), there’s always a price to pay. Less time for loved ones or getting our nails done. I’ve tried to be more conscious of this today, the idea that I won’t always be able to do the things I take for granted now. This afternoon I drove thirty minutes out of my way to try a new restaurant. After I finished eating, I stayed and spent an hour reading. Then I poked around at a used bookstore and found a book I’ve been looking for all summer. This evening I taught a dance lesson and stuck around after my clients left to dance by myself like I used to when I owned my own studio. These things put me in the best mood, perhaps because I was letting myself rest from being productive, perhaps because I was aware that moments like these won’t always be available.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Transformation doesn’t have a drive thru window. It takes time to be born again.

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On Changing Toothpastes (Blog #936)

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Earlier this year I got patch tested by my dermatologist and found out my skin is sensitive to, among other things, peppermint and cinnamon. Well, I freaked out. I changed soaps, shampoos, conditioners. I even threw out my mint-flavored dental floss and toothpaste. That was the toughie. Do y’all know how hard it is to find dental care products that don’t contain mint? Granted, mint and peppermint are not the same thing, but again, I was freaking out, going overboard like I’m wont to do. (No, not you, Marcus.) Plus, the dermatologist gave me an app (an application, not an appetizer) that said flavoring in general was a no-no.

Fortunately, the app helped me find products that work for my skin. My hairdresser and I aren’t thrilled with my new free-and-clear shampoo (it doesn’t bubble), but my skin’s not breaking out anymore, so there’s that. Anyway, my point is I thought I had all this figured out. But today when I got my teeth cleaned, I found out otherwise.

I’ll explain.

After spending an hour brushing, scrubbing, and scraping my teeth, my hygienist asked if I was still using an electric toothbrush. “Yes,” I said. “Well,” she said, “you may want to start brushing with baking soda and peroxide occasionally because we need something that’s more abrasive. Whatever you’ve been using isn’t tackling your stains.” That’s when I told her I’d been using some hippy-dippy shit for several months because of my skin sensitivities. “I’m fine with hippy-dippy shit if it’s getting the job done,” she said, “but your stuff isn’t cutting the mustard.”

“Well, I want the mustard cut,” I said.

The good news is that my hygienist was able to get rid of all the gunk and discoloration my hippy-dippy toothpaste had let build up since the last time I saw her. Now the plan is for me to use sensitive toothpaste in the mornings for my sensitive gums (I know, I’m SO sensitive) and baking soda and peroxide toothpaste at night for any coffee or tea stains on my teeth. And whereas neither product is approved by my dermatologist’s app or my inner perfectionist/rule follower, it’s simply going to have to be okay. My parents paid a lot of money for these teeth, and I refuse to let them yellow. Considering I used regular toothpaste for decades and and never had a rash develop inside my mouth, I should be fine.

Fingers crossed.

Getting back to things that don’t cut the mustard, it occurs to me that there are times in our lives when our ideals simply don’t work. For example, I love the thought of using hippy-dippy, all-natural toothpaste. Like, Look, Ma, I’m organic. But alas, all-natural isn’t always the ticket. So I’m left with what works, even if it doesn’t live up to my fantasy about how life should be (mint-free!). Along these lines, I can’t tell you the number of times since starting therapy that I’ve had to admit to myself that something I wanted to work wasn’t working–a crush, a relationship, a job. Recently I turned down some odd job work because my previous experience with the client had been–quite frankly–miserable. They didn’t pay enough, they complained too much. So I respectfully said, “No thank you, I’m done. This isn’t cutting the mustard for me.”

Lately I’ve written a lot about changing patterns, and whereas it’s more involved than this, changing patterns is basically like changing toothpastes. You stop doing the thing that doesn’t work and start doing the thing that does. This is whether you like it or not. For example, early on my therapist suggested I stop chasing boys. And whereas I agree with her that chasing boys is a bad idea, there’s part of me (my unrequited lover pattern) that gets a thrill from pursuing, from wanting what I can’t have. But ultimately wanting what you can’t have is a form of self-punishment. So unless you want to torture yourself forever, you have to get honest. This toothpaste is hurting my teeth; this relationship is hurting my heart. From there, you have to be willing to change. You have to be willing to move on.

For me, one of the benefits of regularly going to therapy is that it helps me see clearly what is and isn’t working in my life. I’m being literal about this. Because I’m anal retentive, I keep a list of things I want to discuss with my therapist. If I’m crushing on a boy, he goes on the list. If I call him and he doesn’t call me back, he goes on the list again. This is how I know when something or someone isn’t cutting the mustard–they keep showing up on the list. Granted, sometimes the problem isn’t the situation or the person–it’s how I’m handling it. At the end of the day, I’m responsible. But at the very least the list lets me know when something or someone is NOT well with my soul.

After all this time in therapy, this is what I absolutely know to be true–your soul knows when something is off. Unfortunately, most of us aren’t taught to listen to our own inner wisdom. Not to mention the fact that we often don’t even WANT to hear ourselves (because it means change). But if you are interested in listening to your soul and don’t know where to start, simply pay attention to what comes out of your mouth. What do you talk to your friends about? What do you complain about? What, or whom, do yo worry about at night? If you keep a journal, read it. What situations or people keep showing up? This isn’t a coincidence. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time to do something about it. Maybe it’s time to change toothpastes.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We may never be done, but that doesn't mean we'll never be complete. And surely we are complete right here, right now, and surely there is space enough for the full moon, for you and for me, and all our possibilities.

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