In Unexpected Places (Blog #457)

Because I have other things I’d like to do besides blog, today I’m keeping this short by writing a list of things for which I am grateful. Although all related to the last twenty-four hours, they are in random order.

1. The “Do good” wall

The above photo, me in front of a wall that says, “Do good,” was taken just down the street from where I’m staying in Springfield. I used a brick I found nearby to prop my phone up for a selfie, then spent fifteen minutes trying to take a picture of myself doing a cartwheel. Proof that you don’t need money, Marcus, to enjoy yourself.

But it wouldn’t hurt, would it?

2. Understanding

This morning while reading a book by PL Travers (the lady who wrote Mary Poppins), I came across this phrase–long stretches of nothingness. It reminded me that it’s normal, perhaps necessary, to have times in your life when it feels as if nothing is happening.

3. Recognition

After lunch today, I told my friend Matt that the truth was that all sorts of things are happening in my life right now. They’re just on the inside, where they’re not as obvious to other people.

4. Chocolate Cake

Last night after cleaning the studio downstairs, we all had chocolate cake. Anne let me lick the knife, then this morning while reading my book, I had another piece for breakfast, with coffee. My pants are tight, but life is good.

5. Sleeping in

I slept in until noon today.

6. Dreams

Last night I had a series of dreams, all of which I think are connected. I don’t want to go into them, but the dreams ended with my telling two people in the last dream (who looked good on the outside but were also lying and manipulative) to “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!” This was in an office, and I even waved my arm dramatically toward the door. Then the office manager came in and said, “Would you calm down? There are women here.” And I said, “It’s over!”

I’m still analyzing it, but I love this dream because it shows that I’m emotionally and mentally done with bad behavior, even with “acting right” or listening to my inner office manager. And as much as “Nice Marcus” would never scream or slam doors, I’m recognizing that there’s more to a person than “always being nice” or people-pleasing. Anger has its place. Sometimes a good, strong HELL NO is required. Opinions be damned.

As a t-shirt I saw this afternoon said, “If I gave a shit, you’d be the first person I’d give it to.”

7. This cat in my bag

Before falling asleep last night, I noticed Anne and Andy’s cat Frankie sitting in my luggage. Adorable.

8. New foods, old friends

For lunch my friend Matt took me to a restaurant called Van Gogh’s, a dutch place. I had some sort of pancake with gyro toppings. It was stupid, as in delicious. Matt–as always–was kind, a good listener, and generous.

9. This knocker on this door

Walking down a local alley this afternoon, I saw a brass knocker on a teal door. I found it stunning, something beautiful in an expected place. Now I think, What other wonders await in unexpected places?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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There’s nothing wrong with taking a damn nap.

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Any Dancing Jesus (Blog #456)

Last night I drove to Springfield, Missouri, to attend a weekly dance at The Savoy, a ballroom owned by my friends Anne and Andy. My friend Matt was there, and it was the perfect thing–dancing, seeing friends–a way to get away. Anne and Andy rent The Savoy for weddings and events, so after the dance I helped them and Matt set it up for a local graduation. When we finished at 1:30 in the morning we went for tacos, then I crashed at Anne and Andy’s place, which is above the ballroom.

Unfortunately, I didn’t sleep great, at least at first. Probably too much beer, which was my payment for helping set things up. Also, I apparently got sunburned yesterday at my friend CJ’s farm. My back looks like something you’d find at a Western Sizzlin’ Steakhouse. Point is I must have dehydrated myself, since I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache. But then I drank a glass of water, took some Tylenol, and went back to bed, and things were better this morning.

Phew.

I’ve spent the day dicking around Springfield with Matt. First we went to Chipotle for lunch, then perused a handful of antique stores. Later we grabbed frozen custard, then came back to the ballroom so Matt could work the graduation, which is going on now. Everyone else is downstairs, and I’m blogging upstairs. Whenever the event is over, I’ll help get things ready for a wedding tomorrow (or at least help eat the leftover graduation cake). As I’m pretty beat from all the sun, dancing, and calories, I’m hoping to get a nap in first.

It may not happen.

Before my estate sale, I boasted a modest collection of religious figurines–Jesus on the Cross, the Mother Mary, a Buddha or two–I had all my spiritual bases covered. And whereas I liked all the statues for different reasons, the only one I didn’t sell was Jesus on the Cross, a mid-century modern piece I affectionately refer to as Rock Star Jesus, since his hips and arms are kind of kicked off to one side. In addition to looking like a dancer (and the fact that there’s a story in the Acts of John about Jesus dancing before his crucifixion), Rock Star Jesus reminds me to surrender joyfully to the trials of life.

I wrote a blog about Rock Star Jesus, surrendering, and resurrection here.

When Matt and I were antique shopping today, I bought another statue of Jesus, this one brass, small enough to fit in your pocket. (A travel-sized savior, if you will.) This statue, I guess, implies a cross but doesn’t actually have one. Or perhaps it represent’s the resurrection, the triumphant return, the rising. Regardless, Christ’s arms are raised higher than normal, as if in praise, as if in celebration, as if to say, “Friday was a rather bad day, but now let’s party.” The whole thing made me think of a recent picture my friend Bonnie took of me in Nashville, in which I adopted a similar pose under a sign marked “receiving.” You can read about it here, but my idea was that raising my arms represented my willingness to receive all the good (and even the not so good) life and the universe have to offer.

Your story isn’t about your physical challenges.

All this to say that I thought the new statute with its outstretched arms was the perfect reminder of a hundred things–surrender, resurrection, joy in all circumstances, receiving and abundance, even asking for a hug. (Come to papa.) This is the deal with a symbol. It can mean so many things. After four years of therapy, I look at the statue’s out-turned palms and think, There was a man with good boundaries, someone who could say no–to money changers, to temptation, to compromising his soul. (Or maybe those flicked-out wrists just mean Jesus knew how to vogue.) I know I’m making jokes about a sacred figure. I know that as of this afternoon I’ve effectively started a collection of Whirling Messiahs. But having had a challenging year, I actually take these statues seriously, since they remind me that Jesus had his challenges too and–what’s more–surpassed them. If you believe the story in the Acts of John, he danced passed them. This, I think, is the message of any dancing Jesus, that your story isn’t about your physical challenges, but rather your soul’s rising.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Solid help and solid hope are quite the same thing.

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All Your Made-Up Problems (Blog #455)

The last twenty-four hours have been fabulous. Last night my friend CJ and I took her kayaks out on Beaver Lake, which has temporarily been renamed OmaHog Lake until the end of the college world series–I think–I don’t know–it’s a sports thing–I’m gay. Anyway, I left my phone in the CJ’s truck (no one called, anyway), forgot about everything else, and we paddled around for a couple hours and watched the sun go down. Then, like Michael, we rowed our boats ashore (to an island). There, under the light of the full moon, we ate fried chicken and I drank beer.

After eating, we paddled the kayaks back across the lake, me going backwards so I could watch the stars and identify constellations. Back at CJ’s farm, where I slept over last night, we sat on her porch and ate ice cream. Far from the city and artificial lights, with my eyes fixed on The North Star (Polaris), I was finally able to spot Cepheus, The King, which rotates around Polaris and is just counterclockwise to and above Cassiopeia, The Queen.

CJ said, “Why do men always have to be on top?”

Since the constellations are like a clock that runs backwards, the good news is that this situation is reversed in the middle of the day. The Queen is on top of The King. Of course, because the sun is shining, no one can see it.

This morning I slept in, took my time getting around. After making a light breakfast and a cup of coffee, I scrubbed down the kayaks, per CJ’s request. Then I read a book, put the kayaks away, sun-bathed, took a shower. Now I’m blogging, trying to keep things short because I’m growing weary of long posts and don’t want this day to be anything but easy and relaxing. Plus, I’m going to a dance later this evening, so I need to point my car in that direction.

Last night I dreamed that my therapist asked me, “Do you hate yourself?” The question was so jarring that I woke up. I remember lying in bed, maybe at five this morning, thinking, NO, why would you even ask that? Still–obviously–inquiring minds want to know. Specifically, my mind, or it wouldn’t be asking the question (in the form of a dream). So I’ve thought about it today. As I sun-bathed and picked my body apart–this is too big, that’s had too much fried chicken–I asked myself, Do you hate yourself?

No, the answer is no.

Then stop beating yourself up, Marcus.

Fresh off yesterday’s post, I realize that life isn’t black or white. You don’t fully love yourself or fully hate yourself. There’s room for gray, that place where you love your hair (I love my hair) and hate–hate’s a strong word–dislike your waistline.  And yet, how would my moment-to-moment experience change if I were to fully embrace–to love and not just tolerate–all parts of my body and my experience? Surely it would make life easier–better–something akin to spending an evening on a lake under the stars, something akin to forgetting all your made-up problems and enjoying this present moment.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Freedom lies on the other side of everything you're afraid of.

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Embracing All That Is Gray (Blog #454)

This afternoon I saw my therapist and spilled my emotional guts all over her new polka-dotted area rug. I told her I’ve been everything lately–sad, overwhelmed, frustrated, worried. She said, “That’s why you’re here, to sort this stuff out.” So that’s what we did–sorted things out. And whereas I’m still tired and emotionally drained, I have been reminded of the bigger picture. My frustrations are temporary. This too shall pass. I don’t have to feel one way and not the other, do one thing and not the other. Life isn’t black or white.

As my therapist said, “There’s gray everywhere.”

I really do feel better today. Not amazing, but better. Last night I watched A Dog’s Life and cried. That helped. Before that I watched a standup comedy special on Netflix–Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette–and laughed out loud AND cried. That helped A LOT. Honestly, I should go back and watch it again. I was in awe the entire time. Most comedians share vignettes–little stories here, little stories there, one thing not connected to the other. In standup, that’s okay. But Hannah does something different, something that–in my opinion–only a master writer and storyteller can do. She shares all these stories that seemingly don’t have anything to do with one another, but still manages to tie them together like a patchwork quilt. It’s gripping, vulnerable, uplifting–the truth.

Seriously, go watch it. (Buy a box of Kleenex first.)

On the way to therapy I kept thinking, What if I were kind(er) to myself in this moment? Not that I’m unkind to myself normally, but I think I could soften up around the edges, make room for the situations and feelings in my life that I find “unacceptable” or “not so cute.” Last night while watching Nanette I ended up sobbing–ugly crying–when Hannah spoke of the shame that is often instilled or planted (from the outside) in those of us who are homosexual or otherwise different. Then I did the same thing–bawled–while watching A Dog’s Life, especially during the scene in which there was a house fire, I guess since our house burned when I was a child. The whole thing–the tears and snot–was so gross and yet so beautiful and a-long-time-coming.

So gray.

Life is not meant to be controlled.

When I told my therapist that my emotions were just “too much” sometimes, she said, “Life is too fucking much.” Personally, as a recovering neat freak, perfectionist, and hung-up-on-completion-ist, this is a lot for me to recognize. The universe is chaotic, wild, and gray–anything but “just so.” Still, I’m learning to find comfort in the idea that this is the way life is–unpredictable and too much at times–not meant to be controlled. In other words, life is messy. So I’m trying to sit in the “not so cute,” to let my emotions show up when they’re ready, to accept them rather than push them away into the land of black or white. It’s a difficult thing to do–embracing all that is gray–but I’m finding that a grayer world is a kinder world; a softer-edges world; a more honest, connected, patchwork-quilt kind of world.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If life can create a problem, it can also provide an answer.

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On Barely Making It (Blog #453)

Already in a foul mood yesterday, I planned to take my antique car, Garfield, out for a spin when I finished last night’s blog. But after jumping the battery, I discovered that it was leaking–pouring–fluids onto the driveway. (Who knows why?) So that didn’t happen. Still, I needed to get out of the house, so I took my other car, Tom Collins, for a drive. With no destination in mind, I pointed Tom in the direction of Siloam Springs, up winding Highway 59. I drove this road all the time in my twenties, back when Dad used to work at a local chicken plant and they paid me like forty-two dollars to deliver chicken samples to their lab up north.

I’m not sure why I was pissed off last night, why I still am. Probably something to do with sitting in my feelings every day or the fact that I want my body and my health (hell, my life) to be different than they are. Talk about a recipe for a bad mood–want something you don’t have. (Just add water.) And the antique car thing didn’t help. Driving Garfield is one of the few things that never fails to make me happy, and there he was, spilling his guts all over the concrete like I’m currently spilling mine on the internet, making a big, damn mess. Then I started thinking about how much money it would take it fix him, how I’d probably be better off selling him anyway because I could use the cash. And I hate that thought.

Being desperate.

Driving up Highway 59 last night, I was probably going 45 miles per hour when the deer ran out in front of me. An honest-to-god Bambi. I’d come around a corner, and she darted from the other side of the woods into my lane. Slamming on the brakes, I slowed to maybe 30. It all happened so fast, it’s hard to say. The next thing I knew, the deer was gone. She made it–I made it. I swear we came within two feet of each other, maybe less than that. I could see her head, but not her legs. Talk about a close call. It felt like one of those roller coasters, where you think you’re gonna die or at least be wrecked, but then you don’t, you aren’t.

When a close call happens on a roller coaster, my reaction is to laugh. But last night after I barely missed the deer, my heart jumped into my throat. Not when it happened–there wasn’t enough time–after. It’s so weird. During the thing, there were no choices, no time to calculate. The deer ran out, my foot hit the brake. I thought, Shit, I’m going to hit the damn thing. But I didn’t. And then the fear came. I thought, I’ll laugh about this later, like, I made it!, but I didn’t. I drove for an additional two hours worried something else terrifying would happen.

By the time I got back to town, my bad mood hadn’t gone anywhere, so I went to Taco Bell because feelings taste better with cheese. I had to “pull around to the front,” since “your chalupa won’t be ready for two minutes” and the guy didn’t want me holding up the line even though I was the only one in it. So that pissed me off, just like it pissed me off that I ordered a meal box and it came in a sack (“we’re all out of the boxes”). Then when I got home and picked up my iced tea, the lid came off and the tea went everywhere in Tom Collins.

Which pissed me off even more.

I’d hoped that sleeping last night would improve my mood, but it really hasn’t. Taking a nap didn’t even work. Maybe getting things on the page will. I could go for a walk, take another nap. (I’ll try anything.) I wish I could convince myself to be grateful that I didn’t slam the shit out of a deer last night, but I can’t. Every near miss just feels like life is fucking with me, like I can’t calm down because what’s going to jump out of the woods next? I’m so tired of barely making it. That’s what it feels like–just getting by every month, just being healthy enough–one near miss after another. Like your heart never comes back down from your throat.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes we move with grace and sometimes we move with struggle. But at some point, standing still is no longer good enough.

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Me and My Ship (Blog #452)

Earlier I spoke with my therapist, and when I told her how tired, worn out, and frustrated I’ve been lately, she asked about the blog. She said, “You can tell me to go fuck myself, but what if you took a break from it for a while–maybe a couple weeks?” I said, “I know that I won’t blog every day for the rest of my life, but I’m really proud of my unbroken chain. I’m not ready to give that up.” Still, my body needs a break. My soul needs a break. I can’t keep pushing-pushing-pushing myself, pouring my guts out every night for two or three hours when I’m already exhausted. I can’t keep running on empty.

So we decided on a compromise–shorter posts–earlier in the day–lists instead of full paragraphs–limericks even.

There once was a boy from Nantucket
Who had a blog and said, “Fuck it.”

Things like that.

I’m going to try. Now it’s seven in the evening–instead of one in the morning–so that’s a start. When signing on, my internet was slower than my sex life. I got so frustrated I wanted to spit. That’s how I feel a lot lately–frustrated–like things aren’t moving as fast as I want them to. My therapist’s advice today–“You can’t push the universe. Don’t hustle. Rest instead.” Along these lines, I’m going to try to listen to my body and my spirit. Right now all they want to do is hit “publish” and go for a ride in my antique car, Garfield. I haven’t gotten him out since last year, though he never fails to make me happy.

I told my therapist I worried how other people would respond to shorter posts, since that’s not the pattern I’ve established. She said, “It’s your blog, for your pleasure, for your personal growth. And no one’s paying you, so fuck what anyone else thinks.” She talks like this a lot. Like a sailor. I adore it because I don’t. Sure, I cuss, but I’m often too concerned with what others think of me and my ship to say, “Up yars” or “Go play the plank, Matey.” But I’m working on it. Because she’s right. This is my ship, and I’m allowed to take ‘er out to sea or let ‘er rest in the harbor if I think she needs it.

So this is me saying, “Fuck it–I’m done for the day.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All things are moving as they should.

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On Emotional Walls (Blog #451)

Today my energy meter has been dipping into the red. I’m not sure why. In the middle of the night when I turned over, I felt the liquid in my sinuses slosh from one side to the other, so maybe it’s allergies. Oh wait, I don’t technically have allergies; I have intolerances. Maybe it’s intolerances. Regardless, something has me wiped out. Even after sleeping as late as possible this morning and taking a nap this afternoon, I’ve barely been able to keep my eyes open all evening. Now it’s 10:30. Maybe I can knock this out and be back in bed before midnight.

In honor of yesterday’s 450th blog post (in a row), this evening I did a live video on Facebook and read one of my previously unshared essays. The essay, called A Crack in the Wall, deals with my longstanding history of sinus infections and something I tried to help them. (I let a massage therapist put his finger up my nose.) Here’s the video if you’re interested. It’s 28 minutes in length.

In re-reading the essay earlier, I was reminded of several experiences I’ve had along this healing journey–memories and emotions that have come up during massage therapy or yoga sessions, for instance. There’s a section in the essay in which I say that my body is my very best friend–it’s been there for every experience I’ve ever had–it remembers even when I don’t. This is the benefit, I think, to having your inner life on paper. Not that you have to share everything with everyone, but it’s there as a reminder for you. So often I gloss over what I’ve gone through. I forget that my body has a thousand reasons to be tired or in need of a break. I forget that Sweetheart, we’ve been through a lot.

Going through the essay today, however, I was reminded. When I originally wrote it, I broke down in tears a number of times. That wasn’t my goal setting out; it never is when I write. (I’m going to cry!) But if I’m writing, digging around in my subconscious, and start crying, I know I’ve hit on something real. That hurt my feelings, That scared me, whatever. So many times the last several years I’ve thought, I’m over that, but then I start bawling in therapy or while writing and am faced with the truth–I’m not really over it.

Completely.

It’s funny how we can fool ourselves. I don’t know, maybe you can be over something in your head but not over it in your heart or tight shoulders. For me that’s the benefit of writing or having a body–these are ways to get into myself. My default for so long has been to have walls up. I used to have a friend that would say, “How are you feeling–really?” I’d say, “Fine, I’m just fine,” and believe it. That’s the thing with walls. At some point, you get accustomed to them–you forget what life was like before you put them up. Maybe you get so used to looking at concrete, you even say, “Walls? What walls?”

Stop buying your own bullshit.

Again, I think this is the value of writing or going to therapy. For you it could be yoga or meditation. Even dancing or knitting. You just need a way to sneak into yourself, to see things in a different way, to stop buying your own bullshit. Fine, I’m just fine. (Please.) I’m not suggesting we go around looking for problems, that we all start telling ourselves and others, “I’m fucked up, I’m just fucked up.” But–at least for myself–I am suggesting that if your body is tired or hurting, perhaps you need to rest and take care of yourself rather than soldiering through. Perhaps physical symptoms–and emotions!–weren’t meant to be ignored. (Who knew?) This is a lesson I’m learning over and over again–to listen not just to my head but also to my heart, to be patient with my body and the healing process, to gently and tolerantly de-wall myself.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You've got to believe that things can turn around, that even difficult situations--perhaps only difficult situations--can turn you into something magnificent.

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The Universal Dance Floor (Blog #450)

As much as I love swing dancing (and I do), I adore two-stepping. Two-Step, a country dance, comes from Foxtrot, and, although there are a number of different ways to count and dance it, is typically counted “quick, quick, slow, slow.” Like Foxtrot, Waltz, Quick Step, Polka, and Tango, Two-Step travels counterclockwise along line-of-dance, which is the imaginary “loop” or “track” that’s laid out around the perimeter of any dance floor. (Spot dances like Rumba, Cha-Cha, and Swing are danced in the middle of the floor; line-of-dance dances are danced on the outside.) Anyway, there’s just something about two-stepping. Not only do you get to constantly travel around the dance floor, you can also turn or spin around yourself or your partner at the same time.

It’s go-go-go. (Yeehaw.)

Currently it’s two-thirty in the afternoon. Today’s blog is number 450 (in a row), and I’m writing it now because I’m going to a wedding reception this evening and plan to party hardy. The wedding itself was earlier today (at noon), just down the street from our house. (I walked there and back.) And whereas it was a beautiful wedding (truly), it was also a Catholic mass, which means it lasted a long time and involved a lot of standing and sitting, a lot of repeating, “Lord, hear our prayer.” Honestly, it was difficult for me to pay attention. I used to work at weddings as a photographer, and after about a hundred, they stopped being riveting. Plus, today’s mass was mostly in Spanish, and I don’t speak Spanish.

In short, my mind wandered.

Yesterday I wrote about my search for the constellation Cassiopeia, part of my recent fascination with our solar system. I’ve really been wanting to understand why stars and planets move or appear to move the way they do. Last night I looked up a model of the universe online and found a site that shows where the planets currently are. In one diagram, the sun was shown in the middle, in another, the earth. This was extremely enlightening, seeing the universe from both an outside and an on-the-ground perspective, and it really helped me understand why this planet is over here and that planet is over there.

This is all I could think about in church earlier today, the planets and their orbits. Normally planets move through the constellations (the zodiac) on the ecliptic (the planetary racetrack) from west to east, but sometimes they seem to move from east to west. This is called retrograde motion, and I learned last night that it’s an illusion that occurs when a faster moving (inner) planet passes a slower moving (outer) one. This same illusion happens when you speed past someone on the highway. You’re both technically moving forward, but relative to you, the other person or car appears to be moving backwards.

Still trying to get a picture of how the whole thing works, I imagined during the wedding that the sanctuary was our solar system. I thought, What if the sun were in the middle of the room, and I (as the earth) were orbiting around it? What would another planet to the left or right of me look like? What if they were on the other side of the room, “eclipsed” by the sun? And then it hit me–the universe is like a dance floor!–all the planets looping around the sun counterclockwise, each on its own path, some spinning right as they go (Venus, Uranus) and some spinning left (all the others). I thought, It makes perfect sense. Some planets dance solo and others dance with partners (moons).

Like one big cosmic Two-Step.

We’re all equal on life’s dance floor.

Yesterday I was reminded of an affirmation that I’m quite fond of–“Everything is happening in divine right order.” To me this means that the planets and yes, even you and I, are on our proper paths. Not that everything is predetermined, but rather that we are all where we are meant to be–the universal dance floor!–and the rules of dance apply. Here it doesn’t matter if you spin right, spin left, dance solo, or grab a partner. What matters is that you’re dancing. Some days you’ll dance quick, some days you’ll dance slow. At times, others will appear to pass you by. Don’t let this upset you. It’s an illusion. We’re all equal on life’s dance floor. Each of us–at best–is simply, fabulously whirling around in circles–circles that have nowhere to go or be other than right here, right now–circles with no beginning and no end.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"Obviously, God's capable of a lot. Just look around."

Chasing Cassiopeia (Blog #449)

Having the day free, I spent this afternoon reading, first in a book called Healing and the Mind by Bill Moyers, then in a book called The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joesph Murphy. By the time I’d read fifty pages in each book, my brain was bleeding, so I took a nap. When I woke up, convinced I needed to make today “a reading day,” I turned my attention to my beginner’s astronomy book. However, my mind couldn’t handle any more information. It was full. Plus, being cooped up in the house all day, I was growing restless, irritable.

About sunset I told my parents, “I’m going for a walk.”

Manned with my phone and an astronomy app, I determined to use my walk as an opportunity to identify stars and planets. For the last week I’ve been stargazing after midnight, so I thought being out around nine would not only let me see a few different stars, but would also let me see which stars “come out” first. (Some of us take longer than others.) Y’all, I can’t tell you what a great time I had. I learned in the book today that all the planets (and our sun and moon) travel (basically) along what’s called the elliptic, a narrow band in the sky that’s somewhat like a racetrack for the galaxy’s major players. The first ones to show up on the track as the sun sets? The two brightest planets–Venus (in the west) and Jupiter (currently close to the moon in the south).

For two hours I walked around Van Buren, listening to podcasts and periodically checking my phone against the night sky. Starting out I found Castor and Pollux, the two brightest stars in the constellation Gemini (in the west). Tonight was my first time to deliberately and consciously see them. As they dipped below the horizon, I turned my attention to what have this week become easy constellations for me to spot–The Big Dipper, The North Star and The Little Dipper, The Northern Cross, The Summer Triangle (which isn’t technically a constellation but rather three bright stars in three separate constellations), and Scorpius. Then I found Saturn in the southeast (in Capricorn), trailing behind Jupiter (in Scorpio) along the ecliptic.

I realize this jargon may not make sense. A week ago I would have been totally confused by this information and am just beginning to sort it all out. Today I learned that the ecliptic travels through twelve constellations (the zodiac). Or at least it used to. Things have shifted a bit. But still, astronomers and astrologers make reference to these twelve constellations all the time. Zodiac means “circle of little animals,” fitting since the majority of the twelve constellations or zodiac signs are animals. If you can find the ecliptic, “the signs” will appear along it in the order (or reverse order) they appear during the calendar year (starting around the Spring Equinox)–Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo (where Venus is currently), Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. For those interested in the zodiac (and–uh–horoscopes), your “sun sign” is the constellation along the ecliptic that the sun was “in” at the time you were born.

Anyway, the stars were all I could think about tonight. For the last week I’ve been looking for Cassiopeia, the famous w-shaped constellation in the northern sky. I’d read that if you know how to find The North Star using The Big Dipper (and the last two stars in the ladle), you can follow that arc to Cassiopeia, the mythological queen who was banished to the night sky by Poseidon for her vanity. However, until tonight I couldn’t find her–I’ve been looking from my driveway, and I guess she’s been behind the neighbors’ houses. But as I got close to home about ten-thirty this evening, I saw her peeking out between some trees. Y’all, I got so excited.

And then I got pissed because all the streetlights and car lights kept making her hard to see.

Finally, I came up with a plan. Back inside the house, I asked Dad if he wanted to drive out-of-town to look for stars, to chase Cassiopeia. Five minutes later, we were piled into Tom Collins (my car), on the hunt. We went to three different places, each about ten minutes from the house, each with different vantage points. And whereas we could still see the city lights, being farther away from them made spotting the stars MUCH easier. At the first location, Cassiopeia was still behind some trees, but the sky was dark enough for me to find Draco the Dragon, something I haven’t been able to do from my driveway. Then at the second location, there she was in all her glory–Cassiopeia, the Queen.

Speaking as a queen myself, she looked fabulous.

Finally, at the third location, Dad and I found Mars, which had just shown up in the southeast along the ecliptic. (It’s reddish). I was thrilled. I kept driving the car a little farther down the road, turning off the lights, getting out, checking the sky. Yep, they’re still there. Back in our driveway about midnight, I looked again. This time, even with the city lights, I was able to find Cassiopeia, Draco, Mars–all my new friends. I suppose they were there all along, I just didn’t know how to find them. I don’t know why this delights me so much, star hunting. There’s something about seeing what the ancients saw, something about finding my place in the heavens. Plus I think, What other wonders–friends–are right in front of me, just waiting for me to finally notice?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Aren’t you perfect just the way you are?

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Life’s Labyrinth (Blog #448)

Today was the summer solstice, the “longest” day of the year. (I had to take a nap to get through it.) For the next sixth months, the amount of sunlight we have will gradually decrease each day. Yes, dear reader, the long, slow march to winter has begun. I’m not excited about this. (I hate winter.) Historically, today is a day of celebration (the sun is high in the sky!), but it feels like a death to me. There’s only one longest day a year, and now it’s over–dead–just like spring is dead, just like increasingly longer days are dead.

I really liked these things.

I saw my therapist this morning, and we talked about relationships (friends, students, lovers). This was in the context of my tendency to people please, my desire to follow-up with everyone in my life to make sure they are “okay” or not mad at me. My therapist’s advice–don’t chase anyone. It’s desperate, needy, and stems from a “lack” mentality. Abundance, she says, is where it’s at. (Step right up and get you some!) My personal jury is still out on this one, but I’m considering it.

It SOUNDS like a good idea.

After therapy, I went to the park to read and watch hot guys jog around without their shirts on. Last year I started a book on mythology by PL Travers (the woman who penned Mary Poppins) and recently picked it back up. The book, called What the Bee Knows, is a collection of essays that Travers wrote for a magazine, so they are sort of all over the place topically. But an image that stuck with me from today’s reading was that of a labyrinth, this maze-like path that loops back on itself. Travers says life is like this, moving around in circles. We think we’re lost, that we’re going backwards, but that’s just The Way.

Going backwards. That’s how I feel a lot. I’m living with my parents. I don’t have “a real job.” I’m almost forty. Shouldn’t I be passed all this by now? Passed–my past? Even in therapy there are times I think, Are we STILL talking about my desire to please people?

Yes, yes we are.

You can’t get lost.

Back home this evening, I rested before teaching a dance lesson. For dinner my dad made chicken nuggets, then I went for a walk to make myself feel better about the fact that I ate so many of them. For a while I did my usual route, up down one block, then the next. Finally I stopped at a labyrinth at a nearby church and walked the path. I guess it was on my mind from the book this afternoon, but I like to do this sometimes, start on the outside of the circle, wind my way around and around until I hit the center. This is how a labyrinth is different from a maze. A maze has multiple entries and exits, or at least several possible ways to get where you’re going. Plus, there are wrong turns and dead ends. But labyrinths aren’t like that–they have one entry, the same exit. You can wind around getting to the middle (that’s the point) but you can’t get lost.

This is what I love about a labyrinth–there’s only one way. Perhaps this is why so many people use them as a meditative device. It’s easy to fall into a rhythm as you walk around in circles. Early on in the labyrinth you’re within steps of reaching the center–your goal–but then you’re taken away from it. Within minutes, you’re far away from it. All the looping back is frustrating and seems inefficient. But then you realize that looping back is, essentially, a way to time travel–to clean up your past–to pick up anything you dropped along The Way. So eventually you learn to trust the path you’re on.

This is something I’m working on, letting go of how I thought I’d “get there” and accepting each step along my particular journey. Every day it’s something new, something old. Oh, this again. Haven’t we been here before? I mourn the death of longer days, the changing of The Seasons, but this too is part of life’s labyrinth. Here, there’s one way in, one way out. Everything moves in circles. Everything loops back and repeats itself. You and the stars are no different–each on your own heavenly path. So one day you move a little closer to The Center, the next a little further away. No matter. The Center awaits. There are no wrong turns.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Confidence takes what you have and amplifies it. Confidence makes anyone sexy.

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