On Winning the Hour and Returning to Balance (Blog #1051)

Currently it’s 4:22, and I’m at the library. On Valentine’s Day. It’s sexy, I know. I just finished up some editing work for a friend and client. When I wrap up this blog, I plan to grab dinner–alone–then meet my friend Kate to see my friend and her husband Aaron in a play at the Fort Smith Little Theater. Based on the photos he’s been posting, at some point during the play he’ll be dressed as a woman. Red wig, fishnet stockings, two-inch heels and everything. Talk about exciting. One minute you’re hanging out at the library, and the next minute you’re really getting a show. This is life, full of twists and turns.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how it doesn’t take much. Like, it doesn’t take much to make your day a good day, it doesn’t take much to heal. Recently I said that doing the right thing isn’t difficult, it’s just figuring out what the right thing is that’s challenging. Yesterday I consulted with the woman whose blog first turned me onto the fact that the bacteria L. sakei can help tremendously with sinus issues. And whereas I tend to overdo the application of this little bad-bacteria-fighting critter, she said, “A little dab will do ya.” This is what I mean by “it doesn’t take much to heal.” I mean it doesn’t HAVE to take much to heal. So you don’t necessarily have to go all out. Just do whatever you need to do in order to bring balance, to tip the scales back to Center.

Along these lines, last night I ordered an air purifier for my room. Now, I read a long time ago that cleaner air is good for your sinuses, but the whole prospect of picking out an air filter and cleaning the air in our entire house seemed too overwhelming, impossible. But last night I figured that even if I breathe cleaner air only while I’m sleeping, that’s a third of the day, and a third of the day is nothing to sneeze at. (This, of course, being my hope, that I won’t be sneezing as much.) Anyway, usually I’m so all-or-nothing. But more and more I’m realizing there’s a lot of room in between, a lot of room where healing can happen. Indeed, more and more I believe that healing doesn’t occur at the extremes.

The lady I spoke to explained it this way. In everyone’s sinuses are bacteria, viruses, and fungi, much like in every neighborhood are juvenile delinquents. But these delinquents are only a problem if their parents go out of town and aren’t able to keep them in check. Again, this is the idea of balance. It’s not that we have to ALWAYS filter our air or can NEVER eat chocolate cake. We just don’t want things to get our of control. This, of course, is a subtle and delicate task.

Back to the idea of things not taking much, this morning a family friend of ours came over to discuss having me frame some of their antique brooches. Anyway, we ended up chatting about her new Fitbit, which helps her keep up with how many steps she takes each day. Well–and you may know this, but it was news to me–apparently every hour you take so many steps, Fitbit says, “You won the hour.” Is this delightful or what? I told my friend that it was going to be my phrase for the day, especially after she said she won the hour by coming over and visiting and laughing with me and my family. That’s the deal, we make happiness and contentment out to be these huge things, something OUT THERE, but winning the hour doesn’t take much, returning to balance doesn’t take much. It just takes being present. To the little things that happen right here, right now. Like laughing with a friend, eating dinner alone (and enjoying your own company), seeing your pal wear fishnet stockings.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Healing requires letting go of that thing you can’t let go of.

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It’s Not the End of the World (Blog #962)

Phew. This last week I committed a lot of food sins. I ate hamburgers and fries, chocolate cake, and peanut butter and jelly–from the jar. And whereas I enjoyed every minute of it, there was a price to pay. From a week ago today, this morning I was up four pounds. Yowza. Most of the day I haven’t been sure how I feel about this, but this evening I decided I might as well like it–since what’s done is done and I although I can’t immediately change the results, I can change how I think about them. Like, It’s not the end of the world, and maybe a few extra pounds will keep me from freezing to death.

The weather has been cold lately.

Partly because my weight was up and partly because I’ve been doing it one day a week anyway, today I’ve fasted. This afternoon I went to the movie theater with friends to see Charlie’s Angels and actually turned down hot buttered popcorn. Twice. Talk about willpower. That being said, if someone walked into this room right now and offered me dinner consisting solely of my leather dress shoes (get it, solely?), I’d accept.

With some ketchup, of course.

I’m not a complete barbarian.

In addition to giving my body a chance to cleanse from last night’s indulgences (I went to a wedding and a birthday party and ate a total of four platefuls of food and three pieces of cake), today’s fasting is reminding me of the importance of balance. Not that every meal has to be balanced, but like, if you overdo it, you should–at some point–underdo it. I think this is why my therapist is such a big fan of my using this period of my life to slow down and chill out. I’ve spent so many years go, go, going, it’s like I need the rest. Not just because my body is sometimes tired, but also because, as she says, the natural state of the universe is neutral. Meaning that what goes up, MUST come down.

Did you hear that, bathroom scales?

One thing about not eating all day is that it makes it harder to think. Like, right now I can’t quite put my finger on what I’d like to say. Other than, Dear lord, would someone please give me a hot dog on a bun?! That’s another thing about not eating. It makes you irritable. Not that this is the worst thing. Recently I heard that if you trust someone, you could ask them, “What do you think I should know about myself but are afraid to tell me because you don’t think I’d react well?” Whether you do this or not, I think it’s worth considering for yourself, and it’s why I say being irritable isn’t the worst thing. It’s good to know your triggers. What is it that makes you feel scared and vulnerable, throw a temper tantrum, act petty?

Getting back to the idea of balance, if you know what your triggers are, you can work with them consciously and therefore mitigate your own potentially volatile reactions. I’ve said before that I have a lot of triggers around money, but recently I realized that I’m already living one of my worst financial fears–being back at home with my parents and not knowing when my next paycheck is going to come along. I’ve actually been living this way for almost three years now. And you know what? It’s not that bad. Could things get worse? For sure, but what my mental, emotional, and physical triggers around money have taught me is that I can handle whatever comes along. This doesn’t help me LOVE my circumstances more, but it does help me ACCEPT them. This is huge because for the rest of my life it means I don’t have to freak out every time a circumstance is challenging.

It seems to me that a lot of life is freaking out about one thing or another–how much you weigh, how much money is in your bank account. I said recently that I’ve observed a number of supervisors backstage at musicals, and that some of them are rude and some of them are kind, but either way the work always gets done. The implication being, All things being equal, why not be kind? Along these lines, if life has taught you that you can handle whatever comes along and that everything is always fine in the end, why not stop freaking out? Or are you addicted to the drama? But seriously. So you’re weight’s up one day and down the next. So your bank account is too. You’re okay.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Even a twisted tree grows tall and strong.

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Don’t Get Cocky (Blog #914)

Two weeks ago I started an intermittent fasting/mostly paleo diet because–it was time. And whereas I’ve been hungry a lot (for cake and cookies), my first week I lost 2.6 pounds. As of this morning I’ve lost another 2.8 pounds, bringing my total loss to 5.4 pounds. I can’t tell you how tickled I am. My metabolism works. Five pounds–that’s half a bowling ball. Another five pounds and I just might be able to fit into my non-stretchy jeans without having to spray my legs with WD-40 first. I’m so excited I could eat cheese.

Today itself has been pretty laid back. This morning I finished reading the book I started yesterday, Will the Real Me Please Stand Up? Then I started another (short) book about the psychology of numbers and colors, then another about social media marketing. Then my dad, my aunt, and I went to the gym, where I took today’s selfies. Just look at those legs. Grrrr.

My mantra today has been–don’t get cocky. What I mean is that, hey, I’ve lost five pounds–I’m the king of the world. But ultimately I’d like to lose between ten and fifteen pounds AND get my body back into the shape it was several years ago when I was featured in a “hottie” calendar. Or better shape. Really, the goal is simply to treat my body as good as possible and see what happens. I don’t have to have a six-pack. But I would like to be pain free, and I know enough to know that achieving this goal will require my bringing my body (and posture) back into balance. Which means getting my ass to the gym. Anyway, my point is that yes, I’ve had a good couple weeks. But now’s not the time to celebrate with cinnamon rolls. Now’s the time to stay focused and keep doing what I’m doing.

Because it’s working.

Last night I reviewed my goals for the previous week and made goals for this one. And whereas I’m checking off most of what I set out to do, there are a few things items I’m not checking off. This isn’t because the tasks are all that difficult, but rather because–I can see now–I was a bit too ambitious starting off. That is, it just doesn’t make sense to change one’s diet, gym routine, and every other routine in one week. Since this is a yearlong journey, it makes more sense to make little changes week by week or even month by month. Having seen through therapy and this blog that making little changes consistently over time works, I know this to be a solid strategy.

Even if part of me wants to fit into my tiny pants NOW.

There’s this weird thing that happens when you look at old pictures of yourself. Maybe you’re familiar with it. You think, Gosh, I’d give anything to look like that again, even if at the time you thought you looked fat and terrible. My point is that few of us are ever present with our bodies. We’re always chasing what used to be, what could be. Or worse, we’re comparing ourselves to others, to bodies that never will never be our own. So I’m doing my best to appreciate whatever my body looks and feels like right here, right now.

Speaking of how my body feels, this afternoon I came down with more sinus junk, just like I did last Monday when I lost a couple pounds. (Is this the thanks I get for eating asparagus?) My friend Sydnie says that whenever you fast, your body has an opportunity to clean stuff up and out (instead of digesting), so it’s not uncommon to produce more mucus and such. I hope this is it. Like, things get worse before they get better. Regardless, I’m doing what I know to do, hoping for the best, and leaving the rest to the gods. I used to flip shit and imagine the worst every time I started feeling bad, and I just can’t let myself do that anymore. It’s too tiring and never seems to help me heal any faster.

As always, I’ll let you know how it goes.

As for me, I’m going to bed.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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For all of the things life takes away, it gives so much more in return. Whether we realize it or not, there’s always grace available.

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Reality Isn’t Complicated (Blog #843)

For the last week or more I’ve been go, go, going. Granted, you wouldn’t have known it had you been watching. What I mean is that I’ve been filling my days up with reading, turning one page after another. And whereas this may sound like a leisurely activity, it’s not for me. Because more than simply reading, I’ve been studying, learning, trying to cram as much knowledge into my brain as I can. And whereas I love all of this, it’s still work. Plus, the pressure I put on myself to do more, learn more is exhausting. Tonight I signed up for a free video streaming service (Kanopy) through my library and flagged 7 documentary series (each with about 24 episodes) that I’d like to, think I should, watch. But ugh. Who has time for all this information?

Seriously, it’s overwhelming.

In order to deal with this overwhelm, I did something today I rarely do–I spent the entire day with friends. First, my friends Aaron and Kate and their son and I went to lunch, then we came to where I’m house sitting so we could swim. Then our friends Justin and Ashley joined us. Then Aaron and Kate and their son left, and Justin and Ashley and I went to dinner. Anyway, it was the perfect thing. Being with friends. Soaking up some sun. Not being so damn serious for a change.

Balance.

At one point today I was playing with Aaron and Kate’s son in the pool, and–just like that–he slipped off his floaty and went under water. Sometimes life happens so fast. Well, just as quickly, I snatched him up with both hands. For a moment, he didn’t respond. Water was dripping off his face, but you could have heard a pin drop. Just for an instant. And then the response came–tears. Then coughing. Talk about overwhelming. For a while, Kate held him. Then Aaron held him. Then the two of them were back in the water, the boy laughing again, insisting on getting back on his floaty.

This evening I’ve thought a lot about this. Things happen in the blink of a an eye. In the last two years–just like that–I was rear-ended, I tore my ACL. Oddly enough these experiences weren’t scary. They just happened, and then they were over. Conversely, earlier this week I accidentally ran a red light and didn’t realize it until I was in the middle of the intersection. No one pulled out or even came close to hitting me–everyone just sat there–but my heart jumped up to my throat. My point is that so often it’s not the actual things that happen in our lives that scare us, but the things we imagine will happen, or imagine could have happened, that do. I can’t speak for my young friend, but I know that’s what scared me today about his going under water–after the fact I thought, That could have really been bad.

I say after the fact because in the moment, thankfully, I was present. One minute we were playing around, he was on the floaty, and the next minute he slipped under. I could see his body submerged in water, I knew he couldn’t swim, and I immediately reached for him. Byron Katie says that our bodies are full of wisdom. For example, you accidentally touch a hot stove, and your hand automatically moves away from the heat. You don’t have to think, The stove’s hot, I should move my hand. It just happens. That’s what snatching my young friend out of the water was like. Automatic. I didn’t have to think or worry about how to do it.

My point in all this is twofold. First, it’s that in the moment we’re always taken care of and we always know what to do. Granted, when I’m in the midst of worrying about my finances and not sure about what book to read next, it doesn’t always feel like this. But what’s the truth? I’m sitting in a chair and am reading the book I’m reading, so I do know what to do. The boy is under water, and he can’t swim–snatch him up. Reality isn’t complicated. Secondly, our fears are never about what’s happening right here, right now. Rather, they’re always about what could have happened, what might happen next. Byron Katie says, “If you want fear and terror on purpose, get a future.” That is, imagine what will occur even a millisecond from now. You can really scare yourself. But right here, right now? Things are always better than we think they are.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"The truth is right in front of you."

Stop, Stop, Stop (Blog #807)

It’s ten-thirty in the morning, and–believe it or not–I’ve been awake and functioning for four hours. That’s right, my alarm clock, whose tone this entire week has been set to “whining beagle,” went off at six-thirty. So after dragging myself out of bed and walking the dog, rather than going back to sleep, I stayed up. I know, weird. First I went to the bank, then the grocery store, then the convenience store. Then I unloaded the dishwasher, made breakfast, and surfed the internet. Currently–obviously–I’m writing. Granted, I wrote fewer than twelve hours ago, but my reasoning in both being active and writing this morning is that if I get stuff done now I won’t have to do it later.

Original, genius, I know.

Granted, writing this early in the day, after so little sleep, still means that I’m writing tired the way I do late at night. This is okay. I enjoy that foggy, dreamy feeling that comes along with being tired. It’s easier to be creative. I have less of a filter. My walls are down. Whatever ideas want to come and go–can. We’re all free here. Plus, by writing earlier, I’ll have the rest of the day to myself. A wide-open calendar. Whatever wants to happen can happen. Let’s hear it for spontaneity. Adventure awaits me.

Of course, by adventure I mean probably a book or a nap. Seriously, I think if you get up at six-thirty in the morning, you’ve pretty much got to take a nap. I mean, if you’re over thirty. Last night, about midnight, I started the dishwasher before I went to bed, and this morning realized it was still running. My parents’ dishwasher does this sometimes–doesn’t shut off when the cycle is over. Instead, it just goes and goes. And whereas this produces some rather sparkling dishes, it’s no way for a dishwasher, or a human, to live.

You’ve simply got to take a break.

Taking a break sounds like a wonderful idea. This morning while walking the dog I thought about how for months I was consistent with my knee rehab exercises but have slacked off the last couple weeks. I’ve been telling myself that I’ve just had a lot going on. And whereas this is true, I could make time to rehab if I truly wanted to. There’s always time for the things you really want. But the fact is I need a rest from rehab. For days, weeks, and months I’ve been going back and forth to physical therapy and the gym, working my butt off, and I’ve had enough. Not forever, but for now. Likewise, I was thinking about how much time and energy this blog consumes and about how once I reach my goal of writing daily for three years, I’ll be “so ready” to do something else. Like sit on the couch and eat Cheetos.

For the sake of balance, of course.

By balance I mean that you can’t go, go, go all the time. At some point you’ve got to stop, stop, stop.

Like I am now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Go easier on yourself.

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On What You Ask Your Mind to Do (Blog #573)

It’s 1:30 in the morning, and I just got home from a marathon dinner and catch-up session with my friends and old roommates Justin and Ashley. I swear, we just can’t have short conversations. Anyway, it was great; you should have been there. We solved the world problems. Well, Justin and I did. Ashley went to bed. Now that’s what I want to do. Hopefully I will soon. Go to bed, that is. I’ve already brushed my teeth and done all the nighttime things, so as soon as this blog is published–bam!–I plan to be out like a light.

Today–not just tonight–was delightful. This morning I woke up early and started the day slowly. My parents and I enjoyed breakfast together. Then since it’s my sister’s 40th birthday, I put together a list of 40 of my favorite memories/things I like about her. True confession–I got to number 8 and thought, How have I known this person my entire life and CAN’T REMEMBER anything else about them? But then my brain got on a roll, and I ended up having to cut the list down. Anyway, it was the best way to start the day. I mean, my childhood wasn’t pure shit, but it had plenty of challenges, challenges that often get discussed here or in therapy. So it was REALLY LOVELY recalling the best parts of my childhood and the person who’s been there with me through the thick and thin of it all.

But back to the part about not being able to come up with enough things for the list and then later coming up with too many things for it. This has been my experience with other list-making exercises. For example, a lot of self-help books ask you to list 10 things you’re grateful for, 25 things you like about yourself, or even 100 things you’re good at, and I always balk at these exercises at first. Like, I can’t. And yet I’ve always been able to come up with all the things. What this has taught me is that the mind is GREAT at making lists, and it really doesn’t give a shit about what kind of lists it makes. That is, if you ask your mind to find 10 things–or even 100–to complain about, your mind will GO TO WORK and give you what you’ve asked for. (And this is rotten, and this is terrible, and this sucks balls.) But the opposite is just as true. Ask your mind for 40 positive memories, and although it may slug along at first, especially if it’s used to looking for negative memories, it will eventually spit them out. (And that was super, and that was fabulous, and–oh yeah–THAT was the bee’s knees.) And not that the positive memories make the bad ones go away, but they at least bring balance.

In summary: Your mind will give you what you ask for–so be careful what you ask for.

The only thing I’ve currently asking for: sleep.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes you have to give up wanting something before you can have it.

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A Little of This, a Little of That (Blog #419)

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and whereas our last couple of sessions have been emotional (I cried), today’s was light-hearted. We did a lot of laughing. Honestly, I think my therapist could be a professional comedian. Here’s an example. Today I mentioned my recent post about being scared of everything (which my therapist said was “maybe a little hyperbole”) and how I’d come to the conclusion that nervousness or fear was often my body’s way of saying “run to,” not “run from.” Then my therapist, making reference to a phrase she introduced me to a long time ago, said, “Nervousness is just excitement turned upside down?” I said, “I hate to admit it, but you might be right. But when when you first told me that, I thought, That’s absolute horse shit. I’m NOT excited–I’m scared. Screw you.

She said, “I know you did. I could tell you wanted to punch me in the ass.” Punch me in the ass! I nearly fell on the floor. Who says that? Who DOES that?

My therapist actually gets off on verbal assaults like these–Screw you, I’m gonna punch you in the ass, whatever. Recently, on a Wednesday, she broke out in a grin and said, “Six people have told me to go fuck myself this week!” In the past she’s said she gets excited about this sort of thing because it shows that people are owning their emotions and feelings. Like, maybe they hold it all in at work or home, then they finally learn to let it all out. Today she explained further, “I just think ALL of the emotions are useful.”

I really like this idea, that there aren’t good emotions or bad emotions. Today we talked about how sometimes I’m “solid as a rock” emotionally, and other times I’m all twitter-pated with anxiety. I said, “There’s part of me that KNOWS things are going to be okay, but I STILL get worked up sometimes.” My therapist said, “UH–BECAUSE YOU’RE HUMAN.” This is something that I often forget, not that I’m human, but that it’s HUMAN to drift from one emotional state to another. I forget I’m not going to be nervous for the rest of my life, nor will I be calm the rest of my life, since these states of being were MEANT to come and go.

I don’t know why I keep CAPITALIZING so many words. (DON’T WORRY, THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

While discussing other (hopefully) transitory things, we talked about my health. I told my therapist that sometimes I’m really scared that my body is going to “fail me,” that this is it. I said, “What if I’m thirty-seven, and it’s all downhill from here?”

“EXCUSE ME,” my therapist said. “I thought you were twenty-seven.” (She says this a lot. You can see why I keep going back to her.)

“Oh yes, my mistake,” I said.

Things aren’t always one way or another.

Anyway, back to my sometimes-sickly body. “But other times I really do believe that there’s wisdom here, that my body and my doctors can get whatever this is figured out,” I said. My therapist said, “I KNOW that you have physical problems going on, but I just see this as your body’s way of balancing. You worked SO hard for SO long and didn’t give yourself a break. I think this is your body’s way of saying, ‘You HAVE to rest now.'” (Okay, fine, I will.) So there’s that idea of balance again. It seems things aren’t always one way or other (I hate that). Emotions comes and go. You’re not completely sick or completely healthy your whole life. Rather, it seems life is a little of this, a little of that, and all of this and all of that forever changing.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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More often than not, the truth is a monster. It gets in your face and makes you get honest. Sometimes the truth separates you from people you care about, if for no other reason than to bring you closer to yourself.

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Any of Us Can Stumble (Blog #373)

Last night I went out dancing in Dallas with my friend Bonnie to celebrate the one-year anniversary of the blog. The evening culminated about two-thirty in the morning at an all-night diner where the above picture was taken. I hesitated to post it because I think I look “clearly drunk,” but then again, I was. Not that I was falling down or anything, but I was certainly feeling good and loving life. Bonnie and I joked that the multi-colored squares on the wall behind me were reminiscent of The Partridge Family. I kept thinking, Come on get happy. Oh wait–I already am.

Honestly, the reason behind my happy expression wasn’t just the alcohol. Bonnie and I spent the evening dancing with some of God’s most mysterious and precious creatures–gay cowboys. The bar we went to is called The Roundup, and if you’ve never been there, it’s like stumbling into a roomful of unicorns–that is, two-stepping, line-dancing homosexuals. It really is a happy thing to see, a dance hall full of not only homos (which I can say because I am one), but also lesbians, heterosexuals, and even the occasional drag queen–or, as I like to call them all, people.

Last week when my mom asked me what I would be doing in Dallas, I said, “Dancing with gay cowboys.” I said it in passing as I was walking out of the living room and down the hall, but I could hear my dad say, “Judy, one day you’ll learn to not ask so many questions.” I tell this story because I almost didn’t write about my time at The Roundup on tonight’s blog, thinking people might prefer not to know that dancing, homosexual herdsman even exist. But Bonnie referred to gay clubs as “a sacred space,” a safe space where everyone is welcome and encouraged to dance with and show affection for anyone they want who’s mutually interested, and I think it’s important for people to know that happy places like this can be found.

In the south, even.

It really was a great night. There was two-stepping and line dancing until twelve-thirty or one in the morning, then “club” music until two. Everyone I met was really kind, and even the two people who turned me down for dances were nice about it. I say that, but I’ve been a little hung up on the rejections today. It’s always challenging to put yourself out there, ask a stranger to dance, then get turned down. But what a great thing to put yourself out there, ask a stranger to dance, and have them say yes. And that was definitely what happened more often than not last night, dancing with enthusiastic partners who said, “Let’s dance again later.” Like, people seemed to like me. Hell, I even had one lesbian hold me so close while I was following her that I can safely say I got more boob action last night than I ever have before. (Also, it didn’t change a thing.)

Here’s a picture of Bonnie and me just before we left the hotel to hit the dance floor.

For as “up” as I was last night, today I’ve been coming down. Mostly I’ve been tired, since we were awake until five in the morning and were supposed to check out of the hotel by noon. Plus, although I haven’t had a hangover today, I’m sure my system is still “processing” all the beer (and late-night chicken and waffles). You know how it is when you overdo EVERYTHING. My liver’s probably thinking, Who left this guy in charge of intake? Lastly, I’ve been reminded this evening (now that I’m back home) that despite the fact that I danced with multiple unicorns last night, all of my problems still exist. Within two hours of walking in the door, I had bills to deal with, an Amazon order gone wrong, and a website backup issue that took an hour to correct.

You can regain your balance.

While working on this blog, I’ve been looking through last night’s photos, trying to reclaim the joy I felt when I took them. I keep thinking, Come on get happy. But I realize you can’t make yourself feel any differently than you do. What goes up must come down. Last night as I was dancing with a guy named Fred, he was spinning-spinning-spinning me. After a few beers, it was honestly a challenge, but I was able to keep my feet under me. Still, when I finished spinning, Fred had to steady me just so. “I saw your eyes start to wobble,” he laughed. I guess this is what today and life lately have felt like–disorienting. But I’m reminded that, especially with a little help from my friends, I can regain my balance. I can stumble, any of us can stumble, and still continue this dance.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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For all of the things life takes away, it gives so much more in return. Whether we realize it or not, there’s always grace available.

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