Well crap. After my stomach calmed down yesterday, it revved back up today. This morning I woke up with more energy and thought, Maybe I could work in yard. So, y’all, I actually changed clothes and pulled out the mower. It’s not too hot, I thought, and the yard really NEEDS cutting. Alas, before I could even start the mower, my rumbly tumbly started up instead. Hot-footing it to the bathroom, I thought, Okay, fine. I’ll keep resting.

You win again, body.

Thankfully, things were only dramatic for about thirty minutes. I doubled down on the boring, tummy-friendly foods (bananas, rice, applesauce, and yogurt), and I’ve basically been fine ever since. This afternoon I watched a movie (The Good Shepherd) and a documentary (The Magic Pill, about the benefits of the paleo/ketogenic diet). Then I did a small handyman project in my parents’ kitchen, then this evening I went to Walmart (for more bananas, rice, applesauce, and yogurt). Anyway, fingers crossed, I’m on the mend. Regardless, I’m promising myself that–either way–I’m going to change shirts tomorrow. I’ve been wearing this one for three days!

It’s sexy, I know.

For a while this afternoon I got frustrated because there’s a lot I haven’t gotten DONE this week. For example, mowing my parents’ lawn, as well as two other lawns I’m responsible for. My dad said, “You can’t help it if you’re sick, Marcus,” and yet there’s still this internal pressure to be productive, to be “responsible.” However, the truth is, I am being responsible–to myself. I’m supporting my body. I’m resting. I’m relaxing.

I’m healing.

This evening I heard a story about a woman, a codependent, who got cancer. No shit, her family, whom she had always taken care of, were irritated with her for being sick–because she couldn’t attend to their wants and needs. Dr. Gabor Mate would say this woman’s illness is an example of how the body can say no, meaning that when things are out of balance in our lives, it’s usually our bodies that speak up and ask us to do something about it. Like, Hey, Houston, we have a problem here. STOP TAKING CARE OF EVERYBODY EXCEPT YOURSELF.

At the bare minimum, being sick teaches me to rest. I’m always talking about how I go-go-go and push-push-push, and although I can logically agree that that’s not the best way to live, I keep doing it. Old patterns die hard. But lately I’ve been thinking about slowing down, maybe spending more time in nature, so it’s possible my being laid up for a few days is my body’s way of saying, Yes, please, we could use a break. Additionally, like in the example above, being sick teaches me to put myself first. I’ve been so concerned about mowing these people’s lawns–like, What will they think?–but the truth is I could never mow their lawns again and the world would be okay. I wouldn’t deliberately not fulfill my commitments to someone, but if I couldn’t or they weren’t willing to graciously wait until I feel better, it would all work out.

Grass has been growing since the beginning of time.

For me, one of the most difficult and shocking things about personal growth has been admitting that the world is drastically different than I thought it was. Said another way, it’s been admitting that I was wrong. For example, I’ve spent most my life believing I had to be “nice” and put the needs of others above my own. I’ve thought I couldn’t or shouldn’t speak up or set boundaries. I’ve thought I had to be perfect, had to be productive. As it turns out, all of these beliefs were bullshit. Are bullshit. I’m not telling anyone else what to believe, I’m just saying my life has functioned just fine–better, actually–without these self-made rules.

Do these beliefs still creep up every now and then? Of course they do. I spent years smoking cigarettes off and on, and they still hold a certain appeal. Old patterns die hard. But just like I can’t rationally say that smoking cigarettes is a GOOD idea, I can’t rationally say that being a people pleaser, a perfectionist, or a workaholic is a GOOD idea either. These patterns may have been useful at one time in my life, but they’re certainly not serving me well now. At least, as my therapist would say, when I use them as my “daily driver.” This is the other thing that’s difficult about personal growth–you have to be willing to adopt new patterns. You have to be willing to look at the evidence that is your life, say, “Sweetheart, this isn’t working for us anymore,” and change.