Stronger (Blog #310) - Me and My Therapist

Leave a comment February 3, 2018 CoCo

It’s four-thirty in the afternoon, and I’ve been nauseated all day. My dad was nauseated yesterday. He also had a chill and–as he calls it–The Diarrhea. (This way of referring to things is apparently a theme around my parents’ house, as my mom calls Facebook, “The Facebook.”) Anyway, my aunt was over earlier, and when I told her that I felt woozy, she said, “Oh my god, I hope you and your dad aren’t getting the flu! I saw [on The Facebook, I’m assuming] where another child died.” My dad said, “Well, I feel better today. It was probably the Mexican food I ate last night. And we’re not children.” Seriously, can’t a guy be light-headed without everyone assuming he has the black plague? And could we please talk about something other than the flu? I know it’s a killer virus and all, but like I need one more thing to be paranoid about.

Lately I’ve been reading a lot about the many faces and effects of trauma. Last night, in a book about guided imagery and trauma, I read about a woman who used to count words on her fingers as a way to bring order to her chaotic life. Another woman said she always chose the aisle seat on airplanes in order to minimize her anxiety around feeling trapped. One man, a police officer during the Oklahoma City Bombing, said he was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Personally, I’ve had experience with all of these feelings and behaviors. And whereas I’ve talked about them in therapy, I haven’t talked about them–all at once. That’s what I appreciate about the book and reading other people’s stories–they help me to see the direct line from past events like our house fire, Mom’s being chronically ill, Dad’s going to prison, and even multiple car accidents to my current emotions, attitudes, and actions. In other words, I’m the way I am–for a reason.

I’ve thought about this before, of course. You don’t spend half your life in the self-help section and four years in therapy and not have a few insights. But there was something about seeing all these symptoms listed side-by-side and reading these stories back-to-back that helped me look at things a different way. Rather, it helped me look at myself a different way. Like, I’m not inherently or by-definition fucked up because I get nervous around people. I’m not broken because I need my books alphabetized or ordered according to height.

I’ve just had some bad things happen.

I guess one could get stuck in “victim mode” with this sort of thinking. If you wanted to, you could easily find something or someone to blame your problems on. (If it’s not one thing, it’s your mother.) But for me, this isn’t about blame; it’s about the truth. According to the book I’m reading, trauma victims often take responsibility for everything. They think everything is their fault. They feel guilty when they have no reason to. But this thinking is flawed. It’s anything but the truth. Humans don’t exist in a vacuum. Personalities don’t just happen; they’re formed. I’m not saying you don’t have any control over yourself or that circumstances can’t change–you do, and they can. But I also think healing starts by acknowledging the great, uncontrollable forces that have brought you to where you are in life.

Like, Okay, this is where we are, and this is how we got here. Now what are we gonna do about it?

One’s spirit is capable of overcoming anything.

The other thing that I think is healing is knowing that I’m not the only traumatized person walking around on this planet. It’s easy to forget this fact whenever I go to the grocery store, since most of us don’t wear t-shirts that advertise our bad experiences. Like, I was ready to marry my ex, and they were lying to me and cheating on me from day one. But everyone–everyone–has something. You and I are in good company here. Simply put, we live in a traumatized world. And whereas we could think, Isn’t it awful?, I don’t see this fact as a bad thing. It’s just a fact. Now what are we gonna do about it? For me, it starts with realizing that 1) No one is alone, 2) It’s never too late to heal the past, and 3) Despite all the great, uncontrollable forces in the world, one’s spirit is still a much greater force–one that is capable of not only surviving trauma, but also of thriving on the other side of it. Without question, one’s spirit is capable of overcoming anything and beginning again, stronger.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

If anything is ever going to change for the better, the truth has to come first.