They Say It's My Birthday (Blog #167)

Leave a comment September 13, 2017 CoCo

Today is my birthday. Traditionally, I love my birthday, and this one has been no exception. That being said, it started off rather rough because 1) I didn’t sleep much last night, 2) I woke up with a crick in my neck, 3) I woke up to Dad talking loud on the phone because not only does his phone suck, but he’s yet to figure out that you don’t have to shout into technology in order for it to function, and 4) My website wasn’t working when I woke up. I thought, Shit, shit, shit, tried to fix it, and failed. Skipping food, I decided I’d have to deal with it later.

Seriously, technology is bullshit. I’m sure Dad would agree.

I’m glad to say that things quickly calmed down, since the first official thing I did today was get a massage from my friend Ron. He’s awesome. A few times he actually stood on my back and worked on me with his feet. The whole time I was thinking, Damn, I have a lot of tight muscles. Normally this fact would really frustrate me, and I’d start internally shouting at myself, RELAX! But today I thought all my tightness was a reason to practice self-compassion. This is the body I live in, and it’s obviously under a lot of pressure. Be gentle, Marcus.

For lunch (or, more accurately, breakfast), my friend Bonnie took me out for Mexican food and dranks. (That’s how kids these days say “drinks,” Mom.) Our waitress was pretty funny, and she asked if Bonnie and I were married. I said, “No, she’s married, but not to me.”

“So you’re having an affair then, an adulterous affair?”

“No, we’re just friends,” I said, then thought, I’m a homosexual!

Later the waitress kept teasing and said, “You’re telling me nothing’s going on here? I mean, she’s wearing strappy shoes, and you’ve got on those nut-hugger jeans.”

Nut-hugger jeans.

I said, “Shit, I’D be wearing those strappy shoes if she’d let me.”

After Mexican food, Bonnie asked I was having cake today, and I said, “I hadn’t planned on it.” So just like that, we decided to go to another restaurant for chocolate cake and coffee. Talk about decadence. In lieu of a boyfriend for my birthday, Mexican food and chocolate cake will do just fine. (Also, they’re cheaper and don’t talk back.) Look at this thing. I’m pretty sure it’s the reason God made insulin and Levi’s made my stretchy (nut-hugger) jeans.

After all the sugar and caffeine, I went to the library for a couple hours with the intent of fixing the blog and writing today’s post. Well, best laid plans. I spent the entire time trying to fix the site, which I finally did. Rather, someone with my hosting company’s technical support team did. Seriously, the person is my hero. Apparently, the site has something called a security (SSL) certificate, which verifies me as the site owner. The certificate expired last night, so although the site was reachable with HTTP in the address bar, it wasn’t reachable with HTTPS in the address bar, which is how all the links I share are designated. The certificate was set to auto-renew, but the process hadn’t completed, so the tech guru expedited things. Within thirty seconds, the site was up and running again.

I considered it a birthday miracle–second to insulin, of course.

This evening I met my friends and former roommates, Justin and Ashley, and we all rode together to Fayetteville for dinner with my friends Ray and Jesse. I’d shown up in a t-shirt, but Justin and Ashley were looking super fly, so I changed into a button-up and jacket I’d thrown in my car just in case. Here’s a picture of the three of us together before we hit the road. Justin’s one of my oldest friends, and I can’t tell you how lovely it is to spend time with him and his sweet wife. It’s like resting in your favorite chair–comfortable, something that just gets better with time. Perhaps you have friends like these, people who stick with you through the ups and the downs and all the changes. I hope so.

Tonight the five of us ate at Vetro 1925 off the square in Fayetteville. It was the perfect thing–easy, relaxed, delicious, full of good company. Ray and Jesse gave me a leather-bound journal. Ray said he wasn’t great at gift giving, but I thought it was just right, especially since Ray loves words like I do. As I flip through all the blank pages, I see lots of potential and I wonder what ideas will be born on them. After dinner we all went back to Ray and Jesse’s house, sat on their back porch, and philosophized and told stories until my birthday was over. It was exactly what a special day should be, spent in the company of dear friends and delicious food.

Throughout the day, I’ve been overwhelmed by the number of messages and well-wishes I’ve received. I used to date a guy, and sometimes when we were out, he’d say people were looking at me, in a good way. But–really–I usually don’t notice that stuff, since I’ve spent most of my life feeling a bit invisible. So whenever someone says, “Oh hey, you’re cute,” or, “I read your blog,” part of me is always surprised, and I guess it’s the same thing with my birthday. Every year I hear from people who I would have assumed didn’t even know my name. It’s really a humbling thing, one of the times I’m glad to say, “I was wrong, and thank you.” Because I don’t think it’s a little thing for someone to take a moment out of their busy day and say, “Happy Birthday,” or, “I notice you and hope you are well.” It’s not a little thing at all.

On the ride back to Fort Smith tonight, Justin asked me what I’d done in the last year that I was proud of, and I said, “I’m proud that I closed my studio, sold most of my possessions, and started a blog where I’ve written every day for over five months.” Honestly, the answer surprised me, since I’ve spent a lot of time the last year wondering whether it’s all been worth it. I have no shortage of fears associated with this time in my life, and when I think about being back home again, “proud” isn’t the first word that springs to mind. But talking to Justin, I realized that all the changes over the last several years have taken a lot of courage and faith in both myself and something larger than myself, and that’s not a little thing either.

Whether if happens on your birthday or not, I think we all need days like the one I’ve had today, days when we’re recognized and celebrated by both others and ourselves. It seems we put so much pressure on ourselves, but the truth is that all of us are courageous simply for being here. Life–perhaps you’ve noticed–isn’t for sissies. Also, although each of us walks a different path and carries mysteries only he or she can answer, we still have each other, people to help take the pressure off, cheer us on, and remind us where we’re succeeding. People say, “Growing old sucks,” but I disagree. Sure, sometimes I wake up with a crick in my neck, but the older I get, the kinder I am to myself and others and the more gentle I become. For this and many other reasons, I’m grateful for each passing year, and I’m excited about all my blank pages.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

When you hide your hurt, you can’t help but pass it on. It ends up seeping, sometimes exploding out.