The Seeds from Which Your Strength Tree Grows (Blog #1013)

It’s 1:50 in the morning, and I can’t stop coughing. Today I told a friend I’d been struggling with sinus stuff, and they said, “You and everyone one else.” So that’s nice to know. I’m part of a group. Gosh, it feels good to be included. But seriously, I’ve had so many upper respiratory problems over the years, it’s easy to forget that I’m not the only one, that other people catch things too. That things go around here on planet earth. But remembering that we’re all in this sickness thing together–I guess–makes it more bearable. What’s the saying? Misery loves company.

Excuse me while I hack up a lung.

The good news is that I typically don’t cough much during the day, just at night while I’m trying to blog or sleep. But take this afternoon, for example. I was able to work on framing my vintage brooches for several hours nonstop. And whereas when I first started this project things went pretty quickly because I was permanently fastening (glueing) the brooches to the backboards (old book covers), things are taking longer now because I’m non-permanently attaching (hanging) the brooches on the backboards so that, in addition to being able to display them on a wall, I can also display them on my body.

Yowza, yowza.

Here’s one I finished today.

The most difficult part about this entire process is hanging the brooch where I think it’s most aesthetically pleasing. In this particular case, the middle. And since THAT involves drilling holes in the backboard, well, I’ve really only got one shot to get it right. Now, I’ve found ways to allow myself a little wiggle room, but it’s only a little. So this is where my Inner Perfectionist comes in handy, since he helps me get the details right. And when things aren’t EXACTLY perfect? Well, then, I have to tell him to shut up. Because projects like these are meant to be fun, not self-tortuous.

One of the things I like about framing vintage jewelry using old book covers is that it’s a way to not only be creative but also breath new life into forgotten objects. I love digging through a pile of used books and, upon seeing one with a lovely cover, thinking, You! How has no one noticed you before? I’ve got just the right frame and just the right piece of jewelry to put you with, and then–I promise–you’re going to shine. That’s the deal with creativity. You have to be able to look at something someone else would throw away and see gold.

My therapist has a saying–potential, not pathology. This phrase was recently brought up in the context or our going forward. That is, rather than focusing on what’s wrong, we’re going to be focusing on what’s right. Not that there’s anything wrong with focusing on what’s wrong. Sometimes you have to know what’s broken before you can fix it. But once you’ve focused on what’s wrong (I’ve been in therapy for almost six frickin’ years now), well then, it’s time to take your broken and scattered pieces and put them back together into something new, beautiful, and useful. It’s time to breathe new life into YOURSELF. It’s time to make YOURSELF shine.

This evening while I was working, my parents were watching The Batchelor, which means I was watching The Batchelor. Anyway, after one of the girls talked about her difficult childhood (I missed all the details, but someone important died), my dad the cynic said, “WHERE do they find all these people with their sob stories?!”

“It can’t be THAT hard,” I said. “Everybody’s got one.”

But seriously, don’t we? Lately I’ve been talking about how our challenges aren’t personal, and this is what I mean. When everyone you know or are related to has had someone die of cancer, or been in a terrible car accident, or been divorced, beaten up, cheat upon, or neglected, how can you claim that your problems are unique? Now, I’m not minimizing them. They are unique to you. And important for your journey. At the same time, I AM trying to take the sting out of them. I’m trying to get you out of victim mode (pathology) and into your power (potential) by helping you see that these things–these very shitty things–simply happen on planet earth. To everyone. Because this is the shit happens to you, and you, and you planet.

Why we signed up to come here, I’ll never know. I’m convinced, as a friend of mine says, we must have missed something in the fine print.

At one point while I was working today, my dad said, “You know, you mother and I don’t always get to see you actually doing the things you like doing [like dancing, writing]. But I’ve been watching you paint and drill and glue and and everything else this afternoon, and you look absolutely content.”

“Hum,” I said, “I am content. I really enjoy this.” That’s another thing about this planet. Despite the fact that some terrible things can and do happen (and that they can and do happen to you), it’s still possible to be content, to be happy. Even while you’re coughing up a lung, it’s still possible to find peace of mind. This is one of the gifts of doing The Hard Work, of looking at the most challenging and shitty events of your life and shifting your perspective about them in such a way that they become your greatest assets, the seeds from which your Strength Tree grows. Because that’s the deal, it’s not what happens to you, but what grows out of it. It’s how YOU grow out of it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You have everything you need.

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There Are Other Cards to Pull (Blog #993)

Hum. What to say? This morning I saw my therapist then ran a few errands–returned a frame to Hobby Lobby, hit up (as in browsed around, not robbed) a used book store. Anyway, I ended up buying a copy of Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland and a print–a page torn out of an art book–of a painting called Christ Discovered in the Temple by Simone Martini. In it a teenage Jesus has his arms crossed and is looking rather put upon by his parents, Mary and Joseph, who are clearly upset with his running off to teach the elders without first asking their permission. Which just goes to show that even our lord and savior couldn’t make all of the people happy all of the time.

So we might as well quit trying to.

This afternoon I met my family at Village Inn for Free Pie Wednesday. This is one of our new traditions, and–as per usual–I had WAY too much coffee with my slice of apple pie. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t eaten anything else all day. Regardless, by the time I left the restaurant I was wired for light and sound. Even now, at midnight, I’m buzzing. Alas, this is what balance looks like for me lately, not me always walking the middle of the road, but me sometimes overdoing it, like today, and me sometimes under-doing it, like when I fast. More and more, I’m okay with this. As my therapist is fond of saying, we like to think that life is black and white, but the truth is–it’s gray.

This evening I got a haircut (trim), then my friend Justin helped me install a new battery for my laptop. Of course, by helped me install I mean he did it for me. This being said, the battery still needs to be calibrated (charged, fully depleted, then charged again), and I’ll do that part. So, as always, it takes a village.

And a Village Inn.

Go team.

While I was at the bookstore checkout counter today, another gentleman bought a book using store credit. I guess you can bring in books to sell and, instead of taking cash for them, take a trade out. Anyway, the clerk opened a file drawer full of index cards and started searching for this guy’s last name. Then the guy said, “I’m in here all the time, so just look for the card that’s highlighted yellow at the top.” Well, sure enough, the clerk found it lickety-split, pulled it right out. “That’s cool,” he said. “We should do that for other customers.”

“Well it wouldn’t work if you did it for EVERYONE,” the guy said.

Later I was thinking about this whole interaction and how our thoughts and emotions are like the notecards in that file cabinet drawer and how each of us has certain highlighted or go-to responses for any given situation. Like, a lot of guys get ANGRY whenever something goes wrong; a lot of women CRY. Never mind the fact that there are a hundred other ways to respond to whatever’s happening, that’s their highlighted card.

So that’s the card they pull.

Personally, I often pull the “I failed / I did something wrong card” whenever things don’t go perfectly, especially if someone else is upset with me. This has been one of the huge benefits to having a therapist. Whenever I experience stress in a relationship or situation, she helps me by offering a different perspective, by suggesting I pull a different card. “Here’s another way to look at this,” she’ll say. For example, we often discuss the irritating or off-putting behaviors of people (friends, family, self-help gurus, and even ourselves), and she’ll offer a reason WHY someone might behave the way they do. This helps me not only be more empathetic and understanding, but also more kind and–this is the biggie–more at peace.

My point in all this is that MOST of the time, our responses are habitual. Someone cuts us off in traffic, we get stuck behind one of those coupon users at Walmart, or a loved one doesn’t return our text and we go down the rabbit hole of entitlement. Like Jesus’s parents, we think, This isn’t going as I planned! We see the world in black and white–MY WAY and THE WRONG WAY. Over and over again we pull the card that says, “This sucks. Life isn’t working out for me.” In the process, we forget that there are other ways to think and perceive, that there are other cards to pull. Just as easily, at least with some practice, we could pull and eventually highlight the card that says, “Sweetheart, breathe. Be patient. Everything is working out here. Everything is working out for you.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Some days, most days, are a mixed bag. We cry, we laugh, we quit, we start again. That's life. In the process, we find out we're stronger than we thought we were, and perhaps this is healing.

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The Game of Life (Blog #989)

Phew. It’s two in the morning, and I’ve been going all day. This morning and afternoon I went antiquing/craft shopping, mostly hunting for inspiration. The last two days I’ve talked about mounting vintage brooches on old book covers, and I’ve gotten absolutely obsessed with the idea that you can use books for something other than reading. Talk about a novel idea. (Get it, novel?) Granted, I’ve used books for decoration before, but I’ve never cut them up strictly for parts until yesterday. This afternoon at a thrift store I rifled through a stack of books and judged them solely by their covers. I can’t tell you how good it felt.

No reading required.

Walking away from the thrift store with the above stack of pretty books, my mind raced with creative options. I thought, I could do this, I could do that. Honestly, it was a bit overwhelming, somewhat like staring at the menu at The Cheesecake Factory. Seriously, too many options! But this is life. Whether we’re crafting, writing, or picking out what to eat for dinner, we could go in a thousand directions. And whereas I tend to take decision-making rather seriously (like, What if I don’t choose the right thing?), I really think it’s meant to be more playful than profound. I mean, yes, even seemingly trivial choices have consequences. But if your following you heart, being kind, and having fun, I’m not sure you can go wrong.

Looking back at nearly a thousand days of blogging, I KNOW I haven’t always said or done the “right” or ideal thing. But here’s something I absolutely know to true–it’s better to create imperfectly than to not create at all.

This evening I babysat two boys, and we (well, me and one of the boys) played Fort Smith Opoly, our town’s nod to the famous (or is it infamous?) Monopoly board game. Y’all, I thought we’d be done super-quick, but the game went on for over two hours. We didn’t even get to finish; the boys had to go to bed. That being said, when we did wrap up I was kicking my opponent’s little rear end. He had two thousand dollars, and I had seven.

But don’t go asking me for a loan for your creative projects. You can’t spend Fort Smith Opoly money at Hobby Lobby.

It’s fake.

Recently I heard Caroline Myss say something like, “Think of all the wonderful things that have happened in your life–you didn’t plan any of them. Now think all the disasters in your life–you planned all of them.” Oh my gosh, y’all, I laughed out loud. How true. Every mentor or true-blue friend I’ve ever has been someone who just “showed up.” You know, randomly. Conversely, most every thorn in my flesh has been someone I saw and thought, I really need to get to know them. The idea being that it wouldn’t be the worst idea in the world to trust our own wisdom a little less and the wisdom of the gods a little more.

The idea being that they’re on our side and want good things for us.

For me what’s difficult about trusting heaven is that I’m not in control. Now, I KNOW I’m not in control, but one of the reasons I like to obsess over every little detail of creative projects is because it makes me FEEL like I am. This is all an illusion. (Give it up, Nancy.) I can brag about winning Fort Smith Opoly tonight, but if we’d ended the game thirty minutes earlier I wouldn’t have had even a hundred dollars because THREE times I rolled the dice and had to pay my little friend $2,000 when I landed on Downtown Fort Smith, which he owned and had developed to the enth degree. My point being that both my bad fortune and my good fortune were largely out of my hands, left to the roll of the dice. Left up to heaven. (Pause.) More and more I’m seeing whatever heaven sends my way as more than enough, better than I could plan for. So long as I get to play the game (of Fort Smith Opoly, of life), I’m content. So long as I get to create, I’m happy.

This dog, however, is apparently only happy when he’s hoarding five-hundred-dollar bills.

Don’t bother telling him they’re not real.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes you have to give up wanting something before you can have it.

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The Bright Side (Blog #515)

Currently it’s 8:00 PM (central standard time), and I’m sitting at a Chili’s restaurant in the St. Louis airport. So far my travels home from Washington, DC, have gone smooth as silk. Nothing like the ones getting there. Rather, everything and everyone has run “one time.” No delays, no hangups. What’s more, after a full weekend of dancing and consequential exhaustion, I got to sleep in late this morning and do some sightseeing, since my flight didn’t leave until 6:55 this evening (eastern standard time). So it’s been a good day.

I should probably clarify my comment about sightseeing. I did NOT go to the Smithsonian or tour the monuments, although I did leave my hotel this afternoon and glanced the Jefferson and Washington monuments from my Uber. I DID, however, go to three bookstores. Lame? Maybe for some. Exciting? Definitely for me. I love a good bookstore. Plus, I discovered a super-cool antique-doorknob shop. I know, I know–you’re probably thinking, This man needs to get laid. And whereas you’d be right, I swear the doorknob store was more thrilling than it sounds. They even had some sweet gargoyle lamps!

The first bookstore I went to was just off Dupont Circle, which is basically set up like a hub or wagon wheel. Ten streets pour into a roundabout which is made up of two circles–the outer circle being for cars or pedestrians, the inner circle for pedestrians only. (Inside that area is a small park.) Well, my Uber driver dropped me off on the correct street, but the WRONG side of the circle. Of course, it wasn’t a problem to walk–I could use more walking in my life–but I had to figure a plan first, since I started to walk around the outer circle but realized that would take too long. Finally I figured it out–Make a straight line. Go to The Center first. Then you can easily find your way to wherever you want to go.

Go to The Center first.

I get so twitterpated about books. I honestly think of looking for them like an adventure. Today while walking to the second store, I ended up one street off, right by a hotel. So rather than walk AROUND the entire block, I cut through the hotel lobby. Well–I tried to at least, since the lobby didn’t open to the other side. But always determined, I nosed my way into an empty conference room and spied a door that said EXIT. At this point, the theme song to Mission Impossible started playing in my head. Slipping through the door, I immediately ran into two delivery men, but I just acted as if I was supposed to be there, on the back loading dock. Quickly, I jumped off the dock and found myself on my desired street, the one with the bookstore. Mission accomplished!

Despite my cloak-and-dagger tales in book hunting, I only bought one book from the three stores I visited. It was eight dollars. I spent more in Uber fares than I did on the book. And whereas part of me considered it all a waste for “just” one book, I had a good time. And when I went back to the hotel (where I’d stashed my bags at the front desk) and drank two beers along with lunch? I thought, Hell, I’m having a GREAT time.

But really–I don’t think the day could have gone better.

Now it’s 9:30, and I just boarded the plane for Tulsa. We’ll take off soon, so I’m rushing. Despite my wonderful day and fabulous weekend, I don’t want to be up blogging late tonight. I’m already ready to crash. But before I wrap up, here’s something–

Well, wait. I had to close my laptop for the flight, which–I guess–went well except for the fact that my bag came back damaged. Shit. One of the handles got ripped off, and the side is torn. So that sucks. But, I talked to an airline agent, and she gave me a travel voucher for $75, which I believe is what I paid for the bag. So thanks to this trip and the airline’s multiple mishaps, I now have $275 in airline dollars to spend. Whoopie.

Anyway, back to the thing I was going to tell you. Last night, about two in the morning, I asked a girl, a stranger who had glitter on her face, to dance. Then after she said yes, I told her I liked her glitter makeup. Her face lit up. “Do you want some?” she said.

I paused.

“Yes. Yes I do!”

Well, the next thing I knew, the girl (who said she was from France) started digging through her purse and covering my face and “little beard” in green glitter that EXACTLY MATCHED my shirt. Talk about fun. Even before we danced, we had this beautiful moment of kindness and creativity. An unexpected surprise. A lightening up.

Oh–by the way–I’m at my aunt’s house now, in Tulsa. It’s one in the morning. I truly am tired, and part of me is so frustrated with this trip. It really was a chore getting to DC and–honestly–exhausting to be there, despite all the fun and wonderful dances and conversations I had. I guess my body just needs a break. Ugh. Things were going so well today, and then the bag thing happened. I mean, I liked that bag. It was a gift from a friend when I announced that I was moving to Austin. And I know–I haven’t moved yet. But still, the bag matched my others. That’s important for homosexuals–matching glitter, matching bags. Okay. I’m letting it go. I’m choosing to look on the bright side. Yes, this too is an unexpected surprise. I have less baggage now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can be more discriminating.

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The Golden Gate Disappointment (#487)

Highlights from the last 36 hours, in no particular order–

1. Someone said I was skinny

This last weekend I attended a dance event in San Francisco, and my host toted me around on his scooter. At one point he said the scooter was easier to drive with “a little extra weight” on it. Best compliment I’ve received all month.

2. San Francisco has A LOT of hills

Yesterday I didn’t feel like taking classes and went looking for books instead. I started out just on foot, but damn if San Francisco isn’t a lot of up and down, up and down. So I ended up Lyft-ing (Lyft is like Uber or a taxi, Mom), then walking, then Lyft-ing, then walking some more. Basically, I just hunted for bookstores–I went to six in all. The amazing part? I didn’t buy a thing. Still, I had a great time (yesterday was gorgeous) and even wandered through a lovely park (Delores Park). I thought it might be the place used in the opening credits of the television show Full House, but–alas–it wasn’t. Anyway, check it out.

3. Last night was fabulous

Just before the last dance at the workshop I attended–The Switch–I had a beer with my friend who helped organize the event, then grabbed dinner. Then I had a handful of dances, all of which were delightful. (The last night of any dance event is almost always the most fun, since people are laid back, settled in, and generally too tired to put up a front or give a shit about looking better than anyone else.)

4. What the hell, Tom Collins?

After the final dance (and the scooter ride home), I walked up the steep hill where I parked Tom Collins on Friday in order to check on him. And whereas he was technically okay and I hadn’t gotten any more tickets (I got one yesterday for not turning my wheels toward the curb), the lock on Tom’s trunk wasn’t working. (This problem has happened once before, and you can read about it here.) Anyway, I futzed with the switch and latch by hand for a good twenty minutes to no avail, then ended up asking my host if he had two screwdrivers, a pair of pliers, and a wire coat hanger. Thankfully, he did. (I would have used my own tools but I left them back in Arkansas so my parents, my aunt, and I could have enough room for all our damn luggage.)

Using the tools, I took the inside panel off the trunk door. As it turns out, there are two small nuts that hold the power lock for the trunk in place, and one of them had come loose and disappeared. This means the lock was TECHNICALLY WORKING, but it wasn’t being held securely in place. So it wasn’t ACTUALLY WORKING. Anyway, not having a nut to replace the lost one, I used the wire hanger to fasten the lock to the frame until I can get to a hardware store (or my brother-in-law’s garage) and fix things correctly.

Sometimes you simply do the best you can.

5. What the hell, San Francisco?

This morning after cleaning up and packing my things, I drove Tom Collins to a park and hiked in the direction of the Golden Gate Bridge. And whereas I was really looking forward to seeing and having my picture taken with this iconic monument, it was almost completely covered in freakin’ fog.

But what can you do?

6. Come on, universe

Fresh off The Golden Gate Disappointment of 2018, I went for a sourdough bread bowl, something one of my friends recommended. Wouldn’t you know it? They’d JUST sold out.

So I ate a sourdough sandwich instead.

And whereas the sandwich as a whole was extremely tasty, the bread was THE HARDEST thing I’ve ever tried to chew in my entire life.

7. Finally– a win

My last stop before leaving town was ANOTHER bookstore, where I ended up getting two books–a children’s book I’ve wanted for a while, and a book on alchemy and mysticism. So that was fun. Plus, there was a sign out front that said, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.”

Hear, hear.

8. You’ve got to be kidding

Leaving San Francisco took FOREVER, I guess because there’s only one bridge out in the direction I was going, and there was a wreck (or two or three) nearby. (There was SO MUCH traffic.) So what should have been a three or four-hour drive to Fresno (where I am now, visiting relatives), took six. Nonetheless, I’m here–safe and sound.

9. It all catches up

Now it’s thirty minutes before midnight, and I’m worn out. All the dancing and all the driving has obviously taken its toll.

So for now–

I’m done.

But I should be clear.

It’s been a good day.

Life doesn’t suck.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Love  is all around us.

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Christ Between the Two Thieves (Blog #481)

Currently the only pair of swim trunks I own are short by anyone’s standards. They hit me about mid-thigh, higher if I’m sitting down. They’re orange and white, and I personally think they’re rather “gay.” (Since I’m gay too, it’s not a problem.) That being said, the more tacos and beer I eat and drink, the more I think, These shorts COULD use some more fabric. Anyway, I wore the trunks last night while swimming with my nephews and brother-in-law, and my younger nephew, who’s four, said, “Tio [Tio is Spanish for uncle], someone cut off the bottom of your shorts!”

So there I was, eighty-five percent skin (eighty-five percent beer and tacos), and my brother-in-law, who’s one-hundred percent Mexican, said, “You’re WHITE. You need to get some sun.”

This is how I was welcomed to Albuquerque.

Y’all, it’s a 100 degrees here–we’re in the desert for crying out loud–but it’s 65 in my sister’s house. (I think she’s doing this to appease my warm-natured father, but still, I’m freezing.) Last night when I went to bed, I shut both the vents in my room, turned off the fan, added two blankets to the bed, AND put a sock cap on my head. It’s the middle of July. All this to say that after breakfast this morning, I needed to defrost, so I curled up on the couch on the back patio with a blanket over my legs and a book (called The Hero Journey in Dreams) in my arms.

The blanket had ants in it, but it WAS warmer.

After a while, my aunt came outside to work in my sister’s garden and said, “Marc, I figured you’d be in the pool.”

Well, I thought this was a good idea, so I changed into last night’s shorty-short swim trunks, grabbed a towel, and headed for the water. And whereas the water felt great, I spent most my time in a recliner soaking up the sun (because I’m WHITE) and continuing to read for what I thought was about an hour. (I didn’t take my phone with me.) It really was the perfect morning/early afternoon–breakfast with coffee, reading by the pool, the warm sun. Glorious!

Except for the fact that I burned myself.

Y’all, by the time I came inside, I was already pink, mostly on my taco-tummy. Having toasted my back a few weeks ago, I thought, Shit, I‘ve done it again. But what do you do? Personally, I came inside and asked my sister for help. She’s apparently become one of those essential-oil people and told me last night that some of her oil magic (my words, not hers) had kept her from peeling when she got a sunburn not long ago. Anyway, the next thing I knew, I was rubbing a concoction of coconut oil and lavender (and eye of newt) all over my chest, and my sister was rubbing the same stuff all over my back.

“Let’s hope this works,” I said.

Afterwards, I left the house to go used-book shopping. Y’all, I LOVE to book shop and especially love to used-book shop. I could EASILY spend all my money on books and pretty much do. But I’m really proud of myself–I went to two large stores and perused for three hours and only bought two books–one on the history of Easter and one on hypnosis. $24.05 total. Not bad, all things considered.

Just before I left the last bookstore (in the middle of an empty aisle), I lifted my t-shirt and looked at my belly, which was BRIGHT red. Oh no! I thought, I’ve really done it. Back to the house, I looked in the mirror. Y’all, I was (and am) the color of a red, ripe tomato. My brother-in-law said, “How long were you out there?” I said, “Just an hour, but maybe longer.” My sister said, “Either way, you ARE at a higher altitude–an entire mile closer to the sun. Plus, it’s dry out here, and it sucks the moisture out of your body, so you fry faster.”

Now they tell me.

So basically I spent the afternoon in God’s convection oven, and now I look like a lobster. It’s not cute. Seriously, there’s a wide red stripe down my front and another down my back, and both my sides are white. I feel like a candy cane without the swirl. And I’m pooped. Earlier Mom helped me reapply the coconut/lavender witch’s brew, and I’m about to do it again and go to bed. I’m making jokes about the oils, but I will say that when I checked my skin about an hour ago, it was definitely less “angry.”

SO WE’LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Currently my stomach is burning up, but I’m here in my sister’s giant meat locker–er, living room–freezing my ass off, despite the blanket over my legs and sock cap on my head. Tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor. The mystics say this is the world of duality (which is sometimes represented in mythology by the number two). You spend a glorious afternoon in the sun, you get a not-so-glorious evening to follow. Here, every up has a down, every good has a bad, and every hot has a cold; and you can run yourself ragged going back-and-forth between them, thinking, I want THIS and not THAT. But there is another way, say the mystics–the middle path, or acceptance of whatever comes your way. This is the Garden of Eden between the two cherubim, Christ between the two thieves.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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I don't think anyone came to this planet in order to get it right the first time. What would be the point?

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Without a Definite Plan (Blog #469)

I hate not having a plan. You wouldn’t know it to look at my life, but I’m always mapping things out. For example, when I came to Houston several days ago, I planned to leave this morning (Thursday) to go back to Arkansas. Not that there’s anything to go back FOR, but I did imagine the trip this way, and I only brought so much underwear. Then last night I thought, Maybe I could go dancing in Dallas Friday night. But I don’t have a place to stay in Dallas. But I want to go dancing.

Shit. What am I going to do?

Anyway, this morning I got up, packed my bags, and had a short meeting at ten. When that was over I didn’t know WHAT to do, but finally thought, For crying out loud, Marcus, you’re free. Do whatever you want to do. So I went to a used bookstore. (This is honestly my idea of decadence.) I spent probably two hours there and walked out with two books–one on meditation, the other on dreaming. Then I went to another used bookstore, then another. At the last one, I got a book on the meaning of symbols. And whereas part of me kept thinking, Are you really doing this again, Marcus, buying a hundred books you may not read?, another part of me thought, What’s fifteen bucks for a fun afternoon and a little knowledge?

While I was at the first bookstore, my swing-dancing friend Sydnie messaged me and said that she was in Houston and that if I wanted to stay with her, we could go dancing tonight. So that’s what I decided to do. (A plan!) After the third bookstore, I ate an extremely late lunch at Boston Market, a place my friends and I frequented when we used to come here to Houston for a Lindy Hop conference. Anyway, the restaurant is sort of (kind of) like a cafeteria, and when I picked up my tray at the end of the line, I spent an entire minute hunting for a plastic fork. When I finally noticed there was one wrapped in a napkin next to my plate and I made a joke about my oversight, the server honest-to-god rolled his eyes.

This is why I like macaroni and cheese more than people–it’s less judgmental.

After eating, I met Sydnie and got settled into her guest room, then we went to the dance. Y’all, it was so much fun–I saw several people I knew and had some lovely dances and conversations. And then–and then–I went next door to ANOTHER used bookstore and bought two more books–one on spirituality and one on myth and psychology. My friend Kyle (who was at the dance and is pictured above with me, Sydnie, and our friend Robin), said, I see you just lost your sobriety chip for BAA.

“What’s BAA?” I said.

“Book Addicts Anonymous.”

“Truth me told, I never EARNED my book-buying sobriety chip.” (Another failed plan.)

Life is better when we’re not in control.

Now I’m back at Sydnie’s for the night, nursing a slight headache. Tomorrow my plan is to sleep in, then drive to Dallas and see a friend. I’d love–absolutely adore–staying to dance afterwards, but–again–I’d need to find a place to stay or fork over the money for a hotel room. So I might just drive home. I’m trying to be open to whatever happens, trying to trust that I’ll know what to do in the moment. That’s the way things worked out today, after all, without a definite plan. Perhaps life is better this way, when we’re not in control. Perhaps when we mentally leave room for anything to happen, anything can.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Things are only important because we think they are.

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