On Inner Gargoyles and Grotesques (Blog #966)

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

Suddenly the sun breaks through the clouds. A dove appears--the storm is over.

The Stiller You Are (Blog #965)

1. On slowing down

Today I lay in bed reading a book I started–I don’t know–in May. I’ve had my nose poked in numerous other books lately (thank God I have a lot of bookmarks), but saw this book last night and got re-interested. Anyway, my original plan was to go to the library this afternoon, but after I started reading this book I decided to stay home. I thought, You don’t always have to be running around. So back to my bed, back to my book I went. What’s the lesson, kids?

Everything else can wait.

2. On silence

Yesterday while I was at the library watching videos, there was a moment when one video ended before the next one started and there was complete silence. Y’all, I nearly flipped out. It was–what’s the word?–unsettling. I guess in today’s world there’s always SOMETHING going on. In my world, there’s always something going IN–tater tots in my mouth, noise in my ears, knowledge in my head. Today I read so much–a hundred and fifty pages of small print–that my eyes started hurting. Y’all, I FINISHED my book, but I kept thinking I needed to read more, to finish ANOTHER BOOk. Now I’m sitting near my window and can hear the rain falling. THIS is what I need, this fundamental reconnection with the basic stillness of life.

3. On knowing thyself

Ever since I started therapy I’ve kept a list of things to talk to my therapist about. And whereas in the beginning I would jot down the list on a piece of paper (or a paint stick that my therapist and I started calling The Paint Stick of Truth) and later throw it away, for the last couple years I’ve kept the list on my computer. (Please don’t hack me; you might see your name.) And whereas I’ve been seeing my therapist for almost six years, we never run out of things to talk about. The list continues to grow.

Often during the last ten minutes of my therapy session I will begin to freak out, like, But there’s stuff on the list we haven’t talked about. This is, of course, the same anxiety I experience when I read only one book a day or look at my bank account–the anxiety of THERE’S NOT ENOUGH (time, information, money). But the truth is–there is. The truth is I’m constantly overwhelmed with time and attention from my therapist, just as I am overwhelmed with information. I’ve probably learned more this year than some of my ancestors learned in a decade. And whereas I’m not to the point I’m willing to say that I’ve been overwhelmed with money, I am willing to say that I’ve seen A LOT of it come and come. So maybe I am overwhelmed with money.

But I’m also overwhelmed with Amazon.

Getting back to my therapy list, I realized today that because I often prioritize my list, it’s become a perfect way for me to know not only WHAT mentally and emotionally drains me, but also HOW MUCH it drains me. Once my therapist said, “If someone or somethings is showing up on your list over and over again, that’s a good sign there’s something wrong.” Her solution? Boundaries, of course. My point being that even if you don’t see a therapist and make a list, it’s important to know what’s under your skin and who’s got your goat. You could even ask your friends, “Is there something I bitch about all the time? What do you think I can’t let go of?” And then stop bitching about it, let go of it. I realize it’s not “that easy,” of course, but I’m saying–start dealing with it. Not just for your benefit, but also for everyone else’s.

The stiller you are, the stiller we are.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

It’s not where you are, it’s whom you are there with.

On Acknowledging the Break (Blog #958)

Leave a comment November 13, 2019 CoCo

For the last few months I’ve been teaching dance to a couple who are about to be married. Tonight was our final lesson before their big day. Y’all, I honestly couldn’t be prouder. These two have come a long way. Granted, they still bump into each others’ feet now and then, but they keep going, and that’s the point. What’s more, they’ve put in enough time and effort to be able to concentrate on one of the finer aspects of dancing–not just properly executing the steps and patterns, but also interpreting the steps and patterns in such a way as to match their particular song.

I’ll explain.

When learning to dance, the priorities are, in order of importance, 1) getting the steps right, 2) being on beat, 3) communicating with your partner (with your body, not your mouth), and 4) proper technique. Under the category of proper technique are things like whether the heel or ball of your foot hits the ground first, whether or not your hips are moving, and which direction your head is looking. These are often subtle things, of course, but they’re not only what distinguishes one dance from another (for example, a box step can be done in both waltz and rumba, but in waltz the forward step is with the heel, and in rumba it’s with the ball–plus, the rhythm is different, but I digress), but also what distinguishes the more experienced dancer from the amateur. That is, the more experienced dancer has good technique; the amateur has poor technique.

What my wedding couple and I discussed tonight was that both interwoven in and beyond these four categories is something called musicality. As I think of it, musicality is about not only being on beat, but also about being on THIS SONG’S beat and not THAT SONG’s beat. What I mean is that you can dance east coast swing–the same steps, the same patterns–to Van Morrison’s “Moondance” and Jerry Lee Lewis’s “Great Balls of Fire,” but if someone were watching you dance on video and turned off the sound, the two dances should look distinctly different because each song has a different MOOD.

Along these lines, musicality is first about matching the ATTITUDE of a song. Keeping to my previous example, since “Moondance” is soft and laid-back, your dancing should be easy going–not frantic–if you’re dancing to it. Since “Great Balls of Fire” is upbeat and wild, your dancing should be energized and punchy if you’re dancing to it. If you don’t match the attitude of a song, something will inevitably feel and look “off.” Taking this idea a step further, something will inevitable feel and look “off” if you don’t match or at least compliment the nuances within a song. For example, often a song will have what’s called a “break,” usually 8 counts of music where some if not all of the instruments drop out but the lyrics continue. Well, musicality dictates that when the music stops, so should you. At the very least, you should stop what you’ve been doing and do something different. I think of this as ACKNOWLEDGING THE BREAK. Is it fine to IGNORE THE BREAK? Sort of. Your dance will still work. But will it work as well, will it be as magical as it could be?

No.

This is what my couple and I dove into tonight, the idea that because their song has an ATTITUDE of tenderness, everything they do should be soft and gentle. Like, don’t make any sudden moves. Next we discussed the idea that just as their song (like any song) has sections that are more or less emphasized (read: energized), their dancing should likewise be more or less energized during those sections. More power, less power. “Step on the gas here,” I told them. “Chill out here. Pause. Take a breath before you go anywhere.” Y’all, you should have seen the results. By simply MATCHING their ATTITUDES and MOVEMENTS to those implied within their specific song, my couple went from having a “nice” dance to a “lovely” dance.

A magical dance.

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we discussed this idea of TIMING. It came up because I told her I had several projects on the back burner and would like to talk about which one might be best to tackle next. “We can do that,” she said, “but I’m thinking just chill out until the end of year.” This is something she’s been suggesting for a while now and something I’ve blogged about a number of times–slowing down, resting. And whereas I’ve agreed with these concepts in theory, the largest part of me has continued to be attached to the idea of go, go, going. But working with this couple of mine has really driven home for me the importance of the pause. Whether in dancing or life, the pause is absolutely necessary. Not only does it give you time to breathe, it also adds emphasis, mystery, suspense.

It’s why these one-sentence paragraphs work so well.

Crap. Did I just give away a secret?

More and more I realize that just as each song has it’s own attitude and nuances, so does each season and so does each life. What’s more, we’re best served when we can TUNE IN TO and MATCH both nature’s rhythms and our own. For example, this summer I couldn’t find it within me to start a diet. The sun was up all day, and I was too busy, too frantic. But now that fall is here and even the sun is resting, I’ve found it easier to slow down and focus on taking better care of myself. Along these lines, I’m getting more and more okay with the idea that this period in my life is about chilling out and not go, go, going. It’s about learning. It’s about transforming. I told my therapist today, “It doesn’t feel like I should step on the gas right now.” It doesn’t feel like I should fill every minute with an activity, every blank space with more than it was meant to handle.

So I’m not.