On Winning the Hour and Returning to Balance (Blog #1051)

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Currently it’s 4:22, and I’m at the library. On Valentine’s Day. It’s sexy, I know. I just finished up some editing work for a friend and client. When I wrap up this blog, I plan to grab dinner–alone–then meet my friend Kate to see my friend and her husband Aaron in a play at the Fort Smith Little Theater. Based on the photos he’s been posting, at some point during the play he’ll be dressed as a woman. Red wig, fishnet stockings, two-inch heels and everything. Talk about exciting. One minute you’re hanging out at the library, and the next minute you’re really getting a show. This is life, full of twists and turns.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how it doesn’t take much. Like, it doesn’t take much to make your day a good day, it doesn’t take much to heal. Recently I said that doing the right thing isn’t difficult, it’s just figuring out what the right thing is that’s challenging. Yesterday I consulted with the woman whose blog first turned me onto the fact that the bacteria L. sakei can help tremendously with sinus issues. And whereas I tend to overdo the application of this little bad-bacteria-fighting critter, she said, “A little dab will do ya.” This is what I mean by “it doesn’t take much to heal.” I mean it doesn’t HAVE to take much to heal. So you don’t necessarily have to go all out. Just do whatever you need to do in order to bring balance, to tip the scales back to Center.

Along these lines, last night I ordered an air purifier for my room. Now, I read a long time ago that cleaner air is good for your sinuses, but the whole prospect of picking out an air filter and cleaning the air in our entire house seemed too overwhelming, impossible. But last night I figured that even if I breathe cleaner air only while I’m sleeping, that’s a third of the day, and a third of the day is nothing to sneeze at. (This, of course, being my hope, that I won’t be sneezing as much.) Anyway, usually I’m so all-or-nothing. But more and more I’m realizing there’s a lot of room in between, a lot of room where healing can happen. Indeed, more and more I believe that healing doesn’t occur at the extremes.

The lady I spoke to explained it this way. In everyone’s sinuses are bacteria, viruses, and fungi, much like in every neighborhood are juvenile delinquents. But these delinquents are only a problem if their parents go out of town and aren’t able to keep them in check. Again, this is the idea of balance. It’s not that we have to ALWAYS filter our air or can NEVER eat chocolate cake. We just don’t want things to get our of control. This, of course, is a subtle and delicate task.

Back to the idea of things not taking much, this morning a family friend of ours came over to discuss having me frame some of their antique brooches. Anyway, we ended up chatting about her new Fitbit, which helps her keep up with how many steps she takes each day. Well–and you may know this, but it was news to me–apparently every hour you take so many steps, Fitbit says, “You won the hour.” Is this delightful or what? I told my friend that it was going to be my phrase for the day, especially after she said she won the hour by coming over and visiting and laughing with me and my family. That’s the deal, we make happiness and contentment out to be these huge things, something OUT THERE, but winning the hour doesn’t take much, returning to balance doesn’t take much. It just takes being present. To the little things that happen right here, right now. Like laughing with a friend, eating dinner alone (and enjoying your own company), seeing your pal wear fishnet stockings.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Freedom lies on the other side of everything you're afraid of.

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On Time Traveling and Starting Over (Blog #1022)

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Today I’ve been thinking about cycles. I’ll explain. This afternoon I did laundry. You know, put my dirty clothes in the washer, added soap and water, shut the lid, and waited while they went round and round. Then I put them in the dryer, shut the lid, and waited while they went round and round some more. And whereas all my clothes are now clean (except for the ones I’m wearing), next week they’ll be dirty again and I’ll have to start the whole process over once more.

Along these lines, last night for the first time in weeks I went to the gym. Thankfully, I hadn’t lost everything. Indeed, there were stretches and movements that were EASIER for me last night than the last time I went. (I attribute this to the progress I’ve made through upper cervical care.) Regardless, it still felt like starting over. Just like every time I get a sinus infection feels like starting over, and just like every blog I write feels like starting over. Because no matter how many words I’ve written in the last three years (a lot), each post begins with a blank page. My point being–no matter how many times you’ve been there before, every time is new.

This is what I mean by cycles. Our lives go round and round.

Along with thinking about cycles, I’ve also been thinking about circles. Perhaps these are the same thing. Either way, I’ve heard it said that although we think of our lives and time as progressing in straight lines, they aren’t. Rather, they’re circular, cyclical. This makes sense to me because so many things in the universe whirl. The earth rotates around its axis, the planets revolve around the sun, our washers and dryers spin. Likewise, so do our patterns and behaviors. This morning I woke up, got dressed, ate breakfast, drank coffee, and read a book. And whereas I’ve never done these things on January 16, 2020, before, I have done these things over and over (and over) again on countless other days. The logical conclusion being that we don’t start here (at a point on a line) and end there (at another point further down the line). Instead, we move in circles.

Effectively, we repeat ourselves.

The book I read today was a glorious juvenile fiction novel, When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead. My friend Sydnie recommended it (thanks, Sydnie), and it’s about a boy named Marcus (oddly enough) who travels through time in order to save himself and others. At one point during the book, another character (the one who’s telling the story) is discussing time traveling with Marcus and says, “But THE MIDDLE can’t happen BEFORE THE BEGINNING.”

It can if time’s a circle, I thought. Circles don’t have beginnings, middles, or ends.

Well, sure enough, Marcus compares time to a diamond-encrusted ring, stating that we think TIME is moving but, in truth, WE ARE. Using the ring analogy, he suggests thinking of the fixed diamonds as the moments in our lives. Like, past, present, and future all exist AT ONCE. But since we can only experience or be aware of one moment, well, at a time, we perceive moments occurring separately, one before or after the other, and so on. Thus, as WE MOVE from point to point on the ring, we create in our minds (and only in our minds) the idea of time, the ideas of past and future.

How can you say that past and future are only ideas, Marcus (me Marcus, not book Marcus)?

Because search all you want, and you’ll never be able to find any proof of them. Sure, you can drag out your photo album and tell your stories, but when and where will those pictures and stories actually be happening?

Right here, right now.

I know this is a mind-bender.

Earlier I said that by going in cycles or circles we effectively repeat ourselves. Just now I looked up the origin of the word repeat, and it comes from two Latin words–re, meaning “back,” and petere, meaning “seek.” The idea that comes to my mind being “to go back” or “to seek again.” For me this is one of the nice things about life going round and round instead of in a straight line. It gives us a chance to start over (with a diet, with a workout routine, with a friend) as many times as we need to. Likewise, it gives us a chance to find ourselves, to circle back and save ourselves. Time machines aside, isn’t this what we’re doing when we re-evaluate our past, harmful judgments, when we forgive? Aren’t we rewriting history (and therefore its outcome and present-day effect) when we decide to love instead of hate another or any part of ourselves? Aren’t we starting over–anew?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Sometimes the best you can do is metaphorically sit you ego down, look it square in the eye, and say, “Would you shut the fuck up already?”

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First Things First (Blog #307)

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Last night I stayed up til four in the morning in hopes of caching the super moon, blue moon, full moon eclipse, but my body said no. Still, I set my alarm for six this morning, and when I dragged myself out of bed and looked out my window, there was the moon–mid-eclipse. Two hours before my intention was to put on some clothes, go outside, and watch this spectacular event in the freezing cold for an entire hour. But standing in my underwear in my warm bedroom, I thought, Screw that, and went back to bed. I woke up two more times in the next thirty minutes to look out my window. The last time, I couldn’t see the moon–at all. Later, when I crawled out of bed just before noon, I thought, Maybe in another four hundred years.

Yesterday I checked out four books from the library. Well, five, but four of them were about marketing. (The other one was about quantum physics and the nature of reality.) Anyway, I’ve been working with this swing dance event as their marketing director and have had my eye on one of the books for the last couple weeks. But then I started looking through the marketing section thinking, THAT looks interesting and THAT looks interesting, so now I have so many books on my nightstand that I look like a college student.

Next thing you know, I’ll have to buy a backpack.

Information comes to you when it comes to you.

I read one of the marketing books last night. Today I made my way through half of one of the others. (I love learning.) Now my mind is flooded with ideas. Why I never thought to focus my attention in this way when I owned my own business, I don’t know. Maybe I was just too close to it, too overwhelmed by being an owner/operator/instructor/janitor. Maybe the material makes sense now BECAUSE of my past successes and failures. Regardless, information comes to you when it comes to you. And no matter what I’m getting out of this project officially, I really am having fun, and I’m learning things that I can only assume will serve me–and hopefully others–for the rest of my life.

Now it’s four in the afternoon. In four short hours, I’ll be performing with my improv comedy group, The Razorlaughs, at local restaurant. We’re being “given a shot” on one of their slow nights–a trial run of sorts. If tonight goes well–if people show up, buy food, take advantage of their drink specials, and (oh yeah) have a good time–it could become a regular thing. I’m only slightly nervous, by which I mean I feel like throwing up and going to the bathroom all over myself. My mom asked me if I was ready, and I said, “Well, it’s improv, which by definition means I can’t be.” That being said, our group does have a plan. We know which “games” we are going to play, who will participate in each scene, and–most importantly–what we are wearing. I feel fortunate to be working with an extremely talented group, so things should go well.

I can let you know how it turns out, or–better yet–come join us.

Earlier I had a choice to spend the afternoon working on the swing dance event or spend it journaling, meditating, and working on the blog. I chose to do the latter, reminding myself that these are the MOST important things I currently do. They matter more than ANYTHING else. I thought, Take care of yourself first, Marcus. You’ll have time for the rest later. This “first things first” idea has been on my mind lately. Yesterday I blogged earlier than normal so I could watch a movie with a friend. We ended up visiting until midnight, and I was better able to enjoy myself because I wasn’t thinking, I really need to get home and talk to myself on the internet. Likewise, I’m imaging the improv show will go better tonight because I will be able give it more of my attention.

People say you can’t pour someone else a drink from an empty picture and that you should put your own oxygen mask on first. I’ve always thought this sounded nice, but I’m coming to really believe it, and it’s part of the reason I think the swing dancing event can wait a day or two. It’s the reason I put so much time and attention into therapy and this blog. I really want to get my shit sorted out. Not so I can say, “Look at me and all my neatly-sorted shit.” But because sorting your shit out clears the way for a better future, not only for you, but also for everyone else you come in contact with. It puts the past where it belongs–the past–and leaves you present, right here, right now.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Perfection is ever-elusive.

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