On Being Not So Bad (Blog #1005)

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Last night my throat got scratchy and I started coughing. It’s nothing, I thought. Probably allergies. Alas, I woke up sick today, weak and junky. Currently my head hurts, maybe from spending too much time in bed. Who knows what’s going on, either in my body or in American politics? But seriously, it could be sinus crud (it’s always sinus crud), a cold, the flu. Let’s hope it’s not the flu. Or the black plague. I’ve heard that’s awful. Something that can really put a damper on your plans for New Year’s.

Speaking of plans, I was supposed to have a day full of appointments today–a dance lesson, a checkup with my dermatologist, some odd job work. And whereas I thought about pushing myself and doing these things anyway, when I coughed up crap this morning decided to listen to my body and intuition instead. “Cancel your appointments,” they said. “Stay home. Rest.” So that’s what I did–made a few phone calls and went back to sleep. Each time I woke up, I went to the bathroom, drank a glass of water (I’ve heard fluids are important), then went back to sleep again. Finally, at five in the evening, I woke up, turned on my bedside lamp (which because I’m so gross is probably the only thing I could turn on today), and binge-watched Season 3 of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.

I haven’t finished yet, so keep your mouths shut about any spoilers.

Having dealt with (what I feel is) my fair share of sinus (and cold and flu) crud over the years, more and more I’m getting okay with it. Sure, it’s frustrating as hell, especially when I go down the rabbit hole of feeling sorry for myself, of thinking, This nonsense again?! Or when I blame myself. I should have known better, I should have done something different, and all that. But when I take whatever’s happening moment-by-moment, it’s not so bad. Like, Now I’m lying in bed. Now I’m coughing up a lung. Now I’m praying to God to get me out of this.

I mean, I’m in bed, I’m warm, I’m full, and I have people who love me.

Not so bad.

To be clear, it’s not so great either. I’d much rather feel like a million bucks or be at Disney World with Zac Efron on my arm. Or both. But these aren’t current options for me. So more and more, “not so bad” is good enough. Because although I’m in a certain amount of physical pain and discomfort, I’m not adding to my suffering by constantly telling myself a “woe is me” or “isn’t it awful?” story.

And when I do tell myself a tale of “and this sucks and this sucks and this sucks”? Well, I try not to believe me.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We can hang on and put everything safely in its place, and then at some point, we’re forced to let go.

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Games People Play (Blog #793)

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Yesterday I bought a new battery for my car, Tom Collins. The lights on the dashboard had been going crazy, and, according to the internet, that was the most likely problem. The battery or the alternator. The guy at the battery store tested the alternator after putting in the new battery and said I was good to go. Phew. Or so I thought. Since the lights continued to flash, I got things tested again by another store. That guy said it was definitely a bad alternator. Well, he was right. (Shit.) Tom Collins died last night.

So that’s something to deal with.

While all this was going on, the plumbing at my parents’ house backed up. We’re still not sure if the problem is under control or not. This morning, first thing, like before I’d even had my coffee, Dad said, “More bad news.” The air conditioner quit. It was like, Crap, what are we gonna do?

Thankfully, the air conditioner is now working. A service guy came out, and a wire had gone bad. What’s more, there wasn’t a service charge involved. Now just to deal with Tom Collins and the plumbing.

I’ve spent this afternoon helping my friend Todd. He and his wife Bonnie are in the middle of remodel, so I’ve been cleaning their antique door hardware. Today Todd and I went to Lowe’s for new ceiling fans, wall plate covers, and a number of others things. While there, Todd took his time chatting with the folks at Lowe’s, folks who apparently always treat him well and help him get the best deal (he does a lot of business there). Anyway, when we left Todd said, “I always try to slow down and talk to people because relationships are important. Plus, I’m an old retired fart, so I’m not in a hurry.”

I could stand to learn a lot of from Todd, from his old-retired-fart mentality. (But really, he was laid back before he retired.) Nothing seems to phase him. When a problem comes up with his house, he doesn’t pitch a fit, he just thinks, Okay. How can we fix this? Then he gets to be creative, to find a solution. And whereas I like to be creative and find solutions too, I always have this moment of panic when problems arise. Yesterday when Tom Collins’s lights started going nuts, I was ramped up for a few hours. This is bad, I thought, this is terrible. Then again with the plumbing and the air conditioner. There’s an old psychology book called Games People Play, and one of the games was called Isn’t It Awful? Like, Isn’t it awful that my car broke down? Isn’t it awful that the air conditioner stopped working? Isn’t it awful that we’re hot or running late?

You get the idea. Perhaps you’ve even played this game yourself.

While running around today, Todd told me a story about an old man–a grumbling old cuss–who got upset with Todd and some of his bicycling friends. I don’t remember what happened–somebody got in somebody else’s lane maybe, and this guy went to shaking his fist and really playing Isn’t It Awful? I thought, Geez, old dude, you’ve had seventy years on earth, and you haven’t figured out how to be happy. You haven’t figured out how to keep stuff from getting under your skin. Because, let’s face it, problems are always going to pop up, things are always going to break. Why get all worked up? For me, this is The Hard Work, figuring out how to keep normal life from getting to me, figuring out how to play a different game, a game like How Can We Fix This? or Everything’s Going to Be Just Fine.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Some days, most days, are a mixed bag. We cry, we laugh, we quit, we start again. That's life. In the process, we find out we're stronger than we thought we were, and perhaps this is healing.

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