After spending most of this last week fighting a stomach bug (or maybe food poisoning), I woke up today significantly better. Granted, I’m not ready for Thai food and pizza, but I am feeling more–what’s the word?–stable. Maybe seventy-five percent. Although my hips hurt like an old lady’s. Who knows why. Maybe that’s part of the sickness. Maybe I got dehydrated or spent too much time in bed. Either way, I could use some Bengay.
Honey, I’ve been gay my whole life.
But I digress.
In order to “celebrate” my body’s recovery, I spent today cleaning house. My parents are having company next week, so getting the house clean before their friends arrive is a family goal. (Go team.) Anyway, this afternoon I dusted most of the house, cleaned my bathroom, then tackled a few odd jobs I’ve been putting off for a while–storing a lambrekin under a bed (which required taking the bed apart), reattaching a toilet paper holder to a wall, super-gluing a wooden knickknack together, fixing the legs on my mom’s recliner, and removing a grease stain from the interior of my car, Tom Collins. My dad said, “What’s come over you?”
“I have no idea,” I said. “Sometimes I just get in a mood.”
Later when Dad and I were moving the living room couch so we (I) could vacuum under it, he said, “Don’t worry. We [you] won’t have to do any of this again for six or eight months.”
“Thank god,” I replied.
In terms of being in the mood to clean and tackle projects–really–I think it mostly comes down to just getting started. Like, I’d already set the day aside to work on the house, so as I was cleaning and remembered odd jobs I’d procrastinated, I thought, What’s one more thing? I’m already in the middle of it (cleaning and fixing shit).
Now my question is, “What are YOU in the middle of?” Because chances are, that’s what you’re going to keep doing, since that’s where your momentum is (and it’s about momentum). For instance, while cleaning this afternoon I got caught up in an episode of Dr. Phil in which a woman who’d had an affair created this HUGE ordeal (like, she went on the Dr. Phil show and claimed her phone had been hacked by Russians) in order to cover her tracks and convince her husband otherwise. Of course, this ordeal started off as one lie, then it grew from there. By the time she was IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, she and her husband had not only spent thousands of dollars on new electronics and a private investigator (who said the lady herself was the hacker), but she’d also tried to deceive half of America. And Dr. Phil!
Bitch, please.
People say, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive.” And whereas the emphasis of that statement is usually on the word tangled or deceive, I think it could just as easily be put on the word first. That is, where do you START? With lying or with honesty? Because that’s probably what you’ll end up in the middle of and–later– finish with. One thing leads to another. Again, it’s about momentum.
To be clear, although the example I used was about lying, the principle of momentum is neutral. For example, I’ve gotten a lot of positive benefits from both therapy and this blog, and–really–that success is largely due to the fact that I simply started something and have continued to show up to it. Often when evaluating my friendships or considering possible suitors (it does it happen occasionally), I sometimes want to ignore red flags and enjoy the fantasy for a while. But then I think, What’s one more confrontation? What’s one more boundary? I’m already in the middle of it (mental health, taking care of myself). Sometimes I want to cling to a particular object, but then I think, I can let go of this. I’m already in the middle of it (living as a minimalist, not being so attached to physical things).
We’re powerful beyond our comprehension.
This is one of the reasons, I think, why Caroline Myss says there’s no such thing as a small choice. Because one thing leads to another. I chose to clean the house today, and everything looks different now, better. I chose to go to therapy five years ago, and–oh my gosh–my entire world has been turned upside down in the best way. Caroline tells the story of a man who was on his was to commit suicide and changed his mind because a total stranger, who happened to be driving by, smiled at him. Wow. We think we can’t make a difference, that we’re not powerful. But the truth is we’re powerful beyond our comprehension. There are few things we can’t do if we simply decide to. There are few things we can’t do if we simply begin.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Go easier on yourself.
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