A Day for Adventures (Blog #66)

Today was a day for exploring new lands. Today was a day for changing. Today was a day for adventures.

It all started over two months ago when my friend Marla and I saw the author Ann Patchett at the Fayetteville Public Library. (I wrote a blog about it. Actually, I’ve written more than one blog about Ann.) One of the things she talked about that night was owning a bookstore in her hometown called Parnassus Books. She said she opened it with her friend Karen, who’d always wanted a bookstore named Parnassus because Parnassus was the mountain in Greek mythology where all the cool gods went to party. (That is, it was the home of poetry and literature. Everybody put your hands up!)

Anyway, that was two months ago, and I honestly forgot that ANN PATCHETT LIVES IN NASHVILLE, until I asked Mallory about bookstores yesterday, and she said, “Yeah, there’s this super cute place called Parnassus.” Well, on the inside I was being a total fangirl, thinking, OH MY GOD, I WOULD DIE. I WOULD JUST DIE. But since I’m thirty-six, I yawned and said, “Oh yeah, I’ve heard of that place.”

For twenty-four hours, it was just about all I could think of, going to Parnassus. Earlier this week, Mallory said, “I think you’re here in Nashville for a reason,” and after I found out about Parnassus, I thought, That’s it–that’s the reason. Of course, in my mind, I figured I’d meet my soulmate or be offered a job, but that didn’t happen.

But still.

This afternoon Bonnie dropped me off at Parnassus, and from the moment my feet hit the parking lot, I felt like I was on sacred ground. This is often my experience with bookstores. However, I’m usually at used book stores. I love the way they smell, I love the way they’re like a box of chocolates, I love the way they’re cheaper.

That being said.

We were made for each other.

Since I recently sold most of my possessions, I’m more attracted to new things and fresh starts than I used to be. So I was open to what Parnassus had to offer, and within fifteen minutes, I had three books in my hands. (Then it was just one book because I reminded myself that I don’t currently have an income.) But already I was in love with that one book, Parnassus on Wheels by Christopher Morley, which apparently was the inspiration for the bookstore I was standing in. I loved its size, its orange color, its crisp, clean pages. Right in the middle of Parnassus, I was already doing that crazy thing I do whenever I see a handsome stranger on Facebook–fantasizing about the rest of our lives together. I opened the cover and read, “When you sell a man a book, you don’t sell him just twelve ounces of paper and ink and glue–you sell him a whole new life,” and I thought, This is it–we were made for each other.

For over two hours, I strolled around the entire store as folk music and the sounds of red dirt strolled beside me. At one point, the music switched to light jazz–piano–and I thought, Gorgeous. And then I turned around and–OMG–there was an actual piano player on an actual piano. Y’all, shit like this does NOT happen enough–if ever–in Arkansas.

Neither does shit like this, unfortunately.

In the humor section, I sat down on the floor, criss-cross applesauce. I found a book called Cheaper Than Therapy, a guided journal that provided prompts like, “Describe your childhood bully,” or, “Talk about your recurring nightmare.” I thought about buying it, but then I remembered that I have an actual therapist AND a blog about therapy, so enough is enough already.

Then I found a lovely book called Bullshit, which talked about all the different words and phrases we use for, well, bullshit–things like “crap,” “poppycock,” and “donkey dust.” But my absolute favorite was “bird turd,” since my late grandpa used to say, “You ain’t a just bird-turding,” which apparently is a line he stole from the author Norman Mailer and something I never really understood until today.*

I thought the book about bullshit would look great on my toilet–if I owned one. But I don’t, so I decided to put that book back on the shelf too. (If only I had this self-control when it came to chocolate cake.) Still, I’m grateful that it brought me closer to my grandpa. This is one of the things I love about books, why even books about bullshit feel holy to me–they’re timeless.

As I moved into my favorite sections–Psychology, Self-Help, and How to Take Yourself Way Too Seriously–it felt like coming home. I think I went through every title three times, ending up with one more thing I couldn’t live without, a book called Be Your Own Fairy Tale by Alison Davies. (I read the title as Be Your Own Prince Charming because–you know–there’s a shortage of those these days.) But really, I adore mythology and fairy tales. Plus, the book was pretty, and I’m a Virgo and Virgos like pretty things. So here–take my money.

As I made two full laps around the store, I continued to fall in love with it, thinking, Someone rather witty must work here. I mean, the section for beer and alcohol was labeled “Dranks.” And there was a top shelf in the kids room with really tall picture books, and it was labeled “Really Tall Picture Books.” Seriously, how clever is all that? I just love a good personality. (A good butt doesn’t hurt either.)

And just look at how cute. I mean–stars. (J.M. Barrie, the author of Peter Pan, said he thought “star” was the most beautiful word in the English language. His secretary, however, pointed out that it was “rats” spelled backwards. What a wet blanket she must have been.)

I guess Bonnie slipped in sometime during my second lap without my noticing. She said she didn’t want me to feel rushed, so she was just quietly reading, waiting, and not rushing.

For a few minutes, we exchanged treasures. She showed me a beautiful poem about children running toward the sun, and I showed her a quote by Dolly Parton that said, “Find out who you are and do it on purpose.” It’s only one sentence, but it could change your life if you’d let it.

Bonnie and I stayed until just before closing time and each got a couple of books. When we walked out the front door, it felt like leaving a sanctuary, a blessed place where dreams are shared.

Afterwards we went for carbs and alcohol, otherwise known as Chipotle. Bonnie and I decided that we could sum our entire week up as Nashville: Tacos and Beer.

After Chipotle, I had a small pep talk with my pancreas, and then we went to the donut shop around the corner. Ever true, my insulin carried me through a decadent chocolate-covered donut, an also-decadent Bavarian-creme-filled AND chocolate-covered Long John, and a cup of coffee that didn’t suck. (So there. My insulin is better than your insulin.) Midway through the Long John, a silver-haired man in a Jaguar pulled up, got out of his car, and came inside. His shirt said, “End hunger now,” so I shoved the rest of the Long John in my mouth, licked my fingers, and thought, DONE. (Far be it from me to ignore directions.)

On an unrelated note, I need new pants.

This evening, my last in Nashville for a while, I holed up in my room with Parnassus on Wheels and read the entire thing cover to cover. (I love it when that happens.) It’s about a traveling salesman who sells his gypsy-style book wagon to a spinster in need of adventure. For several hours, I savored each word, sentences like, “No creature on earth has a right to think himself a human being if he doesn’t know at least one good book,” or “Leave your stove, your pots and pans and chores, even if only for one day! Come out and see the sun in the sky and the river in the distance!”

I was right. We were made for each other.

Books are easier on your waistline than tacos and dranks.

My therapist says that if you can get one good idea from a book, it’s worth all your time and money. What I love about a good book is that it truly is an adventure. Done right, it’s something you have to go in search of, a treasure to unearth. I think the reward is sweeter that way, when there’s a little work involved. Then you can lock yourself up in a room for hours like you’re doing something naughty and savor each word, some just as decadent as any donut. Of course, when the last page is turned, you’ll look the same on the outside. (Books are easier on your waistline than tacos and dranks.) But if you’re lucky, you’ll be changed on the inside. If ever so slightly, your life will be pointed in a different direction, hopefully one that brings you back to yourself–your charming, dashing, on-purpose self.

*If you’re still confused, “You ain’t just a bird-turding,” means “You’re not shitting me,” or as Shakespeare would say, “Thou speak’st aright.”

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Life is better when we're not in control. When we mentally leave room for anything to happen, anything can.

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Learning to Follow (Blog #43)

This evening I attended a swing dance in Northwest Arkansas, and my friend Matt was there. Matt’s a dance instructor in Springfield, and we danced together several times. One time I was the leader, but the other times I was the follower, and I was pretty much in heaven because I love to follow and don’t get a chance to do it very often. Right before the dance ended, Matt even lifted me up in the air a couple of times, and I felt like my little nephew because I kept saying, “Again, Again!”

I can’t exactly say when my fascination with following started. For the longest time, I taught followers at my studio, but wasn’t actually on the floor following on a consistent basis. But over the last few years, I’ve made it more of a priority, something to work on, something to actively seek out.

Having spent most of my time on the dance floor as a leader, I can say it’s often exhausting. Of course, everyone has a job to do, but the leaders have a lot of responsibilities, and they make a LOT of decisions—where to go, how to get there, what to do WHEN we get there. It’s like being a tourist guide, really. There’s always this low to high level of stress that sounds like, What’s next? What’s next? What’s next? Like I said—exhausting.

As the name implies, leading is a rather active thing. Following, however, is more passive. Followers have their responsibilities of course, but since the bulk of the decisions belong to the leader, followers often get to enjoy the ride a little bit more. There’s more listening on the follower’s side, and that means there’s more anticipation, a certain type of wonder about what’s going to happen. I think followers are also thinking, What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?, but rather than coming from a place of stress, their question comes from a place of excitement.

I admit I’m not the best follower. (However, a nice Australian woman with a delightful accent told me tonight that I was “a lovely lady dancer.” I’m pretty sure I blushed.) I’m so used to being in charge, it’s hard not to back-lead and try to take control. But when I can relax, it goes better, and it’s such a relief to get a break, to not have to be in charge or decide, to not have to know what’s going to happen next.

There is a force, a momentum that dances with all of us.

In the car this evening, I listened to a book by Ann Patchett called What now? The book was adapted from a commencement speech Ann gave at her alma mater, and it deals largely with the question we tend to ask when our lives are changing—What now? In terms of school and business, Ann says we often put a big emphasis on learning to lead, but that most of our lives is actually spent following, so it’s useful to learn to follow. As a writer, she says she spends most of her time listening, most of her time observing, most of her time staring at her computer screen, waiting for something to happen.

Up until tonight, I thought the whole leading and following thing applied mostly to the dance floor. That was context in which I knew it. But since listening to Ann’s book, I’ve been thinking about all the applications of leading and following OFF the dance floor. For example, I’m usually a “make shit happen” kind of person. I typically have a plan, work nonstop, and am ridiculously productive. In short, I’m used to being a leader.

But lately the biggest decision I’ve made has been whether to have waffles or pancakes for breakfast. And since I don’t have a job, I haven’t been working so much. And I guess I’ve been giving myself a hard time about that, but now I’m seeing that I’m getting a chance to be a follower. Sure, I could see that as scary, but I could also see it as exciting. Like, I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know how I’m going to get there, but there’s a certain type of wonder about all that, and it’s not as if I’m dancing alone here. There is a force, a momentum that dances with all of us, sometimes lifting us up in the air, sometimes bringing us back down in a great mystery of starts and stops. So I can relax and enjoy the ride for a while. I can be passive for a change. I can wake up each day with excitement and ask, What’s next? What’s next? What’s next?

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We are surrounded by the light.

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stardust and fairies (blog #2)

Last night I had a dream about my friend Hunter. As background, I met Hunter several years ago when he was still a senior in high school and I was working for a local magazine as a writer. Hunter had written a play that his drama department was putting on, and it was kind of a big deal that a school was producing a play written by a student, so I wrote a story about it. (I’d share it with you, but the magazine changed names and websites and took down all the old stories. Bummer.)

Almost immediately, I liked Hunter. I found him intelligent, talented, adorable, and charming, and we started to form a friendship. He’s now living in Los Angeles, trying to make it as an actor, and we maybe get together once a year. Even though I don’t see Hunter very often, I feel about him today the way I felt when I first met him–I love him unconditionally. What I mean by that is that although I’m not in love with him, I just love him. Like, it doesn’t matter what he does or doesn’t do, and it doesn’t matter how often we talk, or if he comes to town and doesn’t call. I just care about him, I want him to have a good life, and that’s it.

I can’t say exactly why some people get unconditional love just like that and others either have to warm up to it or never get it at all. But I think the answer has to do with stardust and fairies.

The author Elizabeth Gilbert tells a story in her book Big Magic about meeting the author Ann Patchett, exchanging a kiss, and later finding out that Ann was halfway through writing a novel that was almost detail-for-detail the same as one Elizabeth had given up writing years before (but had never talked to Ann about). Elizabeth says that she believes ideas sort of float around, knocking on people’s doors until they find someone who will let them in, work with them, and help them become real things. She says that because she couldn’t finish the book, it went to someone else. And she thinks the idea jumped from her to Ann when they kissed.

I love shit like this.

Last night I heard Ann speak at the Fayetteville Public Library. When someone asked her about her side of the story involving Elizabeth Gilbert, she said it happened basically like Liz said, although she added that they’d been drinking before they kissed and that no body fluids were exchanged. As for the interpretation of what happened, she said that Liz was more spiritual than she was, that Liz was more “stardust and fairies.” She said that the coincidence was hard to deny, but that she was more “meat and potatoes” about it. I guess she told Liz, “So you’re telling me I was the book’s second choice?”

Personally, I like stardust and fairies over meat and potatoes. Call it God, the universe, your soul, or your subconscious. Call it stardust and fairies. But I like the idea that something wise is driving the ship or at least on board the ship, helping to steer us in the right direction.

I once had a friend tell me that when you’re gay, you don’t just come out of the closet. He said, “First you accept it in someone else, then you accept it in yourself.” I think the statement is pretty profound, largely because I think its application goes beyond sexuality.

My friend Eugenia says, “If you spot it, you got it.” Normally, we think of this truth in a negative sense, like if you notice how someone else complains all the fucking time, it probably means that you complain all the fucking time. (It sucks, I know.) But I think this truth applies across the board. Getting back to Hunter, if there’s someone in your life that you think is intelligent, talented, adorable, and charming, it probably means that you are too. First you accept it in someone else, then you accept it in yourself.

In my experience, accepting the good parts about myself is a process. It’s much easier to recognize them in someone else. It’s easier to love someone else unconditionally than it is to love myself unconditionally. But I think that’s why people like Hunter show up in our lives. They help steer us in the right direction. They help remind us of our deep capacity to love. Even better, when we give love, we get love. It’s like a trick the universe plays, like when you’re walking down the street and see a person in a shop window. At first you think it’s someone else, but then you realize, “Oh wait, that’s me over me. That’s me I’m loving.”

My therapist and I talk a lot about dreams. A couple of months ago, I had a dream that I was riding on the back of a swan, and (go figure), Katie Holmes was riding on another swan next to me. Both of us were flying over a big body of water. (Water shows up a lot in my dreams and is universally associated with the subconscious and emotions.) My therapist said that dreaming of a swan seemed pretty auspicious (she likes to use that word), and that swans are associated with grace under pressure, that it was like my subconscious recognizing that I was doing the best I can during this time of change.

When we talked about Katie Holmes, my therapist asked me what I associated with Katie Holmes. (When it comes to dreams, it’s not really about the other person; it’s about what the other person makes you think of.) I said that when I think of Katie Holmes, I think of her character on Dawson’s Creek and the episode in which she sang “On My Own” from Les Mis. So my therapist said the dream was also about my feeling alone in the world right now.

So get this. My therapist comes back the next session and says that she’s been researching swans. She says that she found out that they are always found in pairs. Swans are never alone.

I love shit like this.

In the dream last night about Hunter, Hunter and I were in a hotel. Hotels, like water, show up a lot for me. They represent times of transition–like, I don’t know–living with your parents. I haven’t discussed the dream with my therapist yet, but I’ve been at this long enough to know that the dream has something to do with being in a time of transition and seeing myself as intelligent and talented (and maybe even adorable and worthy of unconditional love) even though I haven’t made it to my next destination.

When I came to the library this afternoon, I knew that I was going to blog about Hunter and the dream, so I started looking for a photo of Hunter on my personal Instagram account. The one I found was taken over four years ago, when Hunter and I were hanging out at IHOP. It was the first time I found out about his nervous habit–a habit I’d forgotten about until this afternoon–twisting paper napkins into the shape of animals.

Well that’s not exactly right. Hunter doesn’t make animals out of paper napkins. Hunter makes just one animal out of paper napkins. And maybe you’ll look at the picture and see meat and potatoes.  But I look at the picture and see stardust and fairies. I look at the picture and am reminded that I’m being steered in the direction of unconditional love, both for others and for myself. I’m reminded that I’m not alone. Why? Take a look at the photo I took long before therapy or any of the dream interpretation ever started. Hunter makes paper…swans.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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We're allowed to relabel and remake ourselves.

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