On Things I Claim to Believe (Blog #904)

Yesterday I was supposed to be a dance gigolo, but the gig got cancelled. And whereas a part of me was like, Crap, there goes that money, most of me was like, Something else will come along. Because of this incident, I’ve thought a lot today about two things I claim to believe–1) the idea that things happen for a reason and 2) the idea of divine timing, that everything happens when it’s supposed to. Because both these ideas are easy to profess but harder to really animate when the rubber hits the road. Like, whenever I’m counting on a certain amount of income and a client says, “Let’s forget about it,” my faith in “God knows what he’s doing” starts to falter.

As if God’s primary concern were my bank account.

Another thing I claim to believe is that God works in mysterious ways. To me this means that–really–none of us know why anything happens or doesn’t happen. In terms of my plans changing last night, it could be that had I driven out of town, I would have hit a deer (or worse). Or I could have had such a miserable time that the money wouldn’t have been worth it. (As it was, I had a delightful evening.) Caroline Myss says that when you pray for things, you don’t get to tell God how to answer you. Well, I’ve asked for a body that feels as good as possible as well as for healthy relationships, and it’s possible my going out of town last night would have been out of alignment with those requests.

This must be a lesson the universe really wants me to get, since this afternoon I drove all the way to Fort Smith for an appointment only to find out that it too was cancelled. (The person whom I was meeting had sent me a message that they were sick, but I didn’t get it because my phone network was down.) Anyway, it was forty-five minutes of my day that felt completely wasted and unproductive. Again, part of me was like, This blows. But most of me was like, We are not going to complain. We’re alive and well and have been given an opportunity to relax–to NOT be productive. We are going to be grateful. And it was that simple. I wouldn’t let myself throw a fit.

My advice–don’t let yourself throw a fit.

Tonight I went to a swing dance at the studio where I tore my ACL this last December. This was my first time back since the accident. When I was getting ready I actually thought about wearing the same (slightly oversized) shoes I was wearing when the accident happened, like, I’ll show you, slippery floor, but decided against it. Instead, I wore shoes that hug my feet and have stickier bottoms. And guess what? I didn’t hurt myself.

Of course, I didn’t attempt to jump over anyone’s head either.

Y’all, dancing tonight was the best thing. I saw and danced with several people I know and, in the process, got in some serious cardio. By the time the night was over, I was sopping wet.

Here’s a video (taken by my friend Sydnie) of my friend Renee and me Lindy Hopping to Caro Emerald’s Completely.

 

Wow. So much has happened since the last time I was dancing on that floor. I remember the night of the accident. I couldn’t get out the front doors by myself. Someone had to support me. There are times when I get frustrated because my knee and I can’t do everything we used to, but–really–it’s a miracle that we’re dancing at all. Also, I keep calling it an accident, but another idea I claim to believe is that there are no accidents. In other words, at least in my best moments, I believe that my injuring my leg, on some level, needed (knee-dead) to happen. I can’t say why–that’s above my pay grade–but I do know the whole experience has given me more compassion, patience, and understanding for both myself and others, and that’s enough for me.

The way I see it, if you say you believe something, at some point you’ve got to start acting like it. “Acting like it,” indeed, is an accurate way of describing what you’ll be doing at first. That is, until you get the hang of it, you won’t feel patient or understanding when someone cancels on you, or when something terrible happens. My therapist says, “Fake it until you make it.” Now, I don’t know that any of us ever “make it.” I doubt it will ever become fun for life to throw you a curve ball. But I do think it gets easier to accept what is (gracefully) if you can slow down and remind yourself that even frustrating or “terrible” things can contribute to your growth.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You’re exactly where you need to be.

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On Emotions and Pain (Blog #751)

Currently I’m out-of-town, sitting outside at a restaurant, waiting for a dance to start at 7:30. It’s 6:00 now. I plan on driving home after the dance, and because that will be late, I’m blogging now, before the sun has gone down. I’d like to start doing this more often, blogging when I’m coherent and not exhausted and, therefore, irritable, upset, and distracted. We’ll see how it goes. I have a lot of practice blogging during the wee morning hours, and there’s certainly something to be said for writing a blog about your emotions when you’re, well, emotional.

I’ve been emotional all day. One minute I’ve been sad. Lonely. The next I’ve been laughing out loud, totally content to have the day to myself. Recently I adopted the motto “all parts are welcome,” so I guess I can’t complain when different parts (or thoughts or emotions) show up. That is, far be it from me to host a party and not attend to my guests. Not that it’s fun or comfortable to feel upset or grief, but these are the ingredients of our lives, and–in my experience–if you dampen one emotion, you dampen them all. Want to feel less joy? Shove down your sadness. It’s that simple.

I don’t like this fact any more than you do.

I spent this afternoon looking at books. I didn’t buy any (believe it or not), but I went to three stores. Before that I had brunch (pancakes and eggs) and read a book. Well, half of one–Explain Pain by David S. Butler and G. Lorimer Moseley. Honestly, it’s one of the most fascinating things I’ve read lately and explains a complex topic–pain–simply. I’m not to the “what to do about it” part yet, but the book proposes that whereas, yes, sometimes pain is due to nerve damage, structural or joint problems, or damaged tissue, this is just as often (if not more so) not the case. That is, there are plenty of instances in which there’s structural deterioration or injured tissue without pain. For example, when I tore my ACL, I didn’t feel a thing. Granted, I had some adrenaline flowing, but my knee didn’t hurt even after my adrenaline calmed down. Even though I’d severed an entire ligament.

The book says we don’t have pain centers or, um, pain buttons in our bodies. Also, just because you cut your finger, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll experience pain. Indeed, once my neighbor threw a hammer over our fence, and despite the fact that it hit my head, I didn’t start crying until I saw blood several seconds later. According to the book, this is because the meaning we ascribe things has a huge influence over what our bodies feel. Just as importantly, the meaning our brains ascribe things is what ultimately determines whether or not we feel pain. This is because–apparently–our bodies send signals to the brain when “something” is wrong. A cut finger, for example. Then the brain interprets that information and decides how to respond. To be clear, it has a lot of choices. It could cause you run away; it could cause you to cry. But if the brain thinks that the most appropriate choice is for you to feel pain, then that’s what you’ll feel.

In other words, to quote the book–no brain, no pain.

The book says that the basic rule of pain is that if your brain perceives a threat–if it thinks that you’re in danger, Will Robinson–you’ll feel pain. Said another way, if you feel pain, it’s because your brain thinks you’re in danger. This goes against a lot of historic wisdom, of course, but it makes sense to me. Again, because of what I experienced with my knee. Also because of people who experience pain or sensations in limbs they’ve had cut off or were never born with. Clearly in those situations the brain (and spinal cord and nervous system) are involved in the creation of physical sensation and/or pain.

I can’t wait to learn more.

This might be a stretch, but I think this “pain being related to feeling threatened” thing could be applied to our emotions. For example, this morning while getting ready at my hotel, I was dialoguing with myself about why I’ve historically felt the need to bend over backwards for certain people in my life even when my efforts were clearly fruitless. Suddenly I had a vision of an applicable memory from my childhood, and a voice in my head said, “Because if we don’t, they won’t love us.” Then I started crying. More and more, the release of tears is my signal that I’ve hit on something deep-down true. For example, when I read that pain is often felt because we feel threatened or “not safe,” I also cried.

Ugh. So much of my life I’ve felt “not safe.” Not that I feel ever-moment terrified, but I can never quite relax. It’s like my muscles are always tight, more tense than they need to be, ready to fight or flee. I can only breathe so deep. Granted, this has gotten a lot better. It IS GETTING a lot better. More and more, there’s a lot of relief in understanding that even when it’s emotional or in pain, my body is trying to help, trying to send me a message. Sweetheart, something is wrong. We need you to take another look at this. Something isn’t working for us. So if for no other reason than the fact that my strategies thus far haven’t been working for me either, I’m now making all the more gentle effort to turn my ear inward and simply listen, to finally hear and connect with my inner wisdom.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Both sunshine and rain are required for growth.

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Me and My Physical Therapist (Blog #649)

Thirteen days ago I had knee surgery to repair my ACL in my left knee, and this morning I saw my surgeon to follow up about it. First, his nurse removed my (17) staples. Then he showed me pictures from the surgery (two of which I’ll share momentarily) and said it went well. In terms of my progress, he seemed impressed, especially with the facts that I’m off crutches, out of a brace, and bending my knee more than 90 degrees. “If I were being picky, I’d say you need to straighten your leg more, but it’s not bad,” he said.

Ever the perfectionist, I now have a new goal.

The surgeon said I should see continual progress for the first two or three months. “That’ll be exciting and keep you motivated,” he said. “But then you’ll forget anything was ever wrong, and whereas I want you to forget at some point, I don’t want you to forget before six months and do something stupid like jump a ditch.” Then he explained that six months is how long it takes to get blood flowing to the newly constructed ACL, which is why I have to be ever-so-gentle with it until then. That means no swimming, jumping, or planting and turning (as in spinning, pivoting, or–um–dancing).

Here’s a picture of my old ACL. It looks sad, frayed, and lifeless because I completely tore it away from the bone. Personally, it reminds me of sushi.

Here’s a picture of my new ACL, which the surgeon constructed from my patellar tendon. Talk about pretty. (Don’t be jealous; I’m sure yours looks nice too.) Note that tendons are stronger than ligaments, which is why some surgeons (mine included) prefer to reconstruct the ACL (a ligament) using the patellar tendon (a tendon, duh) rather than a hamstring (another ligament).

After leaving the surgeon’s office and killing time at a coffee shop reading a book, sipping tea, and propping my foot up on a chair (in order to straighten my leg), I had my first official physical therapy appointment. And whereas I was nervous about whether or not I’d jive with the guy, all my fears were immediately laid to rest. He’s awesome. Not only has he been at this for twenty years, but he’s also worked with my surgeon for a long time, and they’re on the same page in terms of objectives and timelines. Plus, he spent a lot of time today really explaining what happened both when I injured myself and during surgery.

“Your ACL is nothing but a tie-down,” he said. “If you had a bicycle with two straps holding it on the back of a trailer, and you cut one strap, the bike would fall over. It’s the same with your knee cap.” Which explains why things felt loose immediately after my injury. My PT (physical therapist) said he’s known people who have lived decades without their ACL, but they end up literally rubbing their bones together, and that causes a lot of problems later in life. “The whole point of the surgery you had is to get you back to doing what you were doing before without additional issues down the line,” he said.

The physical therapy itself wasn’t too complicated. Granted, it was more than I’ve been doing at home, but it wasn’t painful or grit-your-teeth awful. A few stretches, some mini-squats, some leg lifts, some stair-climbing. Then my guy hooked me up to a STEM machine, a device that uses electrical impulses to make your muscles (my quad muscles) twitch and fire. At the same time, he wrapped my knee in another device that was basically a giant leg condom filled with cold water (pumped in by a machine through an attached hose) to reduce swelling. I didn’t take any pictures of this, but here’s a picture of my swollen and bruised leg from this morning. No wonder my ankle’s been hurting.

My PT also explained why my leg has felt achy–because the surgeon used a drill bit as long as my forearm to tunnel through my leg bones. “Oh, that explains it,” I said. Then my PT showed me an animated (not real) video of how the surgery actually went down. Y’all, it’s totally crazy. He took the middle third of my patellar (kneecap) tendon out, along with two pieces of bone attached to it (one at either end; supposedly the holes from which the bones were taken will fill in over time). Then he sewed up the outer two-thirds of my patellar tendon and used that big drill bit to tunnel through my leg on a diagonal. (The ACL and its tie-down buddy, the PCL, criss-cross through the knee–I think.) Then he fished the new ACL through the tunnel and attached the bone pieces to other bones with screws. “That thing ain’t going nowhere,” both my surgeon and my PT said.

Is that wild or what? And seriously, no wonder recovery is a long process. I’ve been cut up and put back together. Along the way, I’ve gained an inch in circumference around my kneecap (from swelling) and lost an inch in circumference around my thigh (from muscle atrophy). “How long will it take to get those muscles built back up?” you might ask. A year. A full year because muscles are made from slow-twitch fibers and fast-twitch fibers, and I can’t use my fast-twitch fibers until six months post-surgery (since they’re the ones used for jumping, sprinting, etc., and that stuff, as already explained, is off-limits). And whereas a week ago this slow recovery process disheartened me, today I’m okay with it, I’m assuming because I have more information than I did before, because I actually understand both what’s happened and what’s happening.

Never underestimate the power of information.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m sure there’s a rehab exercise I need to be doing.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Your story isn’t about your physical challenges.

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