Excitement and the Creative Process (Blog #677)

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Yesterday I blogged about how excitement comes at the beginning of a new endeavor, a diet, an exercise program, a writing project. My point was that, unfortunately, the excitement doesn’t last. Inevitably, boredom sets in. Maybe the results aren’t coming as quickly as you’d like. (Do they ever?) At that point, you have to make a choice. Am I going to stick with this thing or not? Do I mean business or don’t I? In terms of my experience with this blog, I know I’m rarely excited about sitting down and pounding out five hundred or a thousand words on the daily. Thankfully, the excitement I initially felt when starting this project has–somewhere along the way–been transformed into something better, something akin to fondness and belief. That is, I’m fond of this project, fond enough to show up here day after day. Likewise, I believe in this project, and that belief, I think, is ultimately what’s required to sustain any longterm endeavor, be it a blog, a healthy lifestyle, or a relationship.

More on this shortly.

Last night my dad, who’s overweight and notorious for saying, “I’ll start that diet or exercise program next week,” actually went to the gym with me. No shit, walked in the front door of Planet Fitness, put his hands on his hips and hollered, “IS THIS THE JUDGMENT FREE ZONE?” Oh my god, y’all, I NEVER talk to anyone at the gym, and Dad waltzes right in there and starts making friends. The next thing I knew, he’d signed up and was getting a tour. When I signed up, I said, “I’ll show myself around, thanks.” Anyway, it really was fabulous having him there, even though we worked on different machines. In a room full of strangers (or rather, people you refuse to introduce yourself to), it’s good to know someone. It’s good to know someone’s in your corner.

Now it’s 9:15 in the evening. Fifteen minutes ago Dad asked if we were going back to the gym today, so I’m trying to type fast so we can. Personally, I don’t mind going at midnight, but Dad prefers to go earlier. And since I got up this morning at 7:30 for an appointment with my massage therapist and chiropractor, I don’t mind saying it would be nice to workout before I mentally turn into a pumpkin.

This afternoon I washed my car, Tom Collins, for the first time since I injured my knee two months ago. It’s weird the things you take for granted when your legs work, like being able to vacuum your backseat or scrub your tires with a cleaning brush. Anyway, it really felt super, giving Tom a good once-over. Plus, the sun was shining, and that really puts a smile on my face. Ugh, the sky has been so gloomy lately. I keep telling myself, Spring is coming. Just wait, spring is coming.

This evening I went to a local bookstore, Bookish, to hear my friend, writing instructor, and local author Anita Paddock speak. Anita recently wrote not one–but two–true crime novels about murders that took place right here in Van Buren around 1980 (the year I was born). Well, she’s in the process of finalizing her third true crime novel about four people who were also murdered here in Crawford County around 1980, and tonight Anita gave a group of us a verbal outline of the story and read an expert from her book, which should come out this summer.

Y’all, I can’t tell you what a shot in the arm it was to see Anita tonight. Not only is she a wonderful presenter and storyteller, but it’s always inspiring to see someone you know succeed and be supported by their community. Dreams come true. People are in your corner. Plus, going to a bookstore is my version of going to church, and I got both inspired and excited about a few writing projects that I’ve been putting off for, well, a long damn while now. Not that I haven’t been thinking about them, but I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself. I think, This has got to be good, and then I never sit down to start because I’m too afraid. What if it’s not good? In short, I “dig in” and “get serious” about potential projects–two things that are good to do, but not right away–before allowing myself to be excited about them first. The result, sadly, is I end up squashing my dreams before they have a chance to take hold.

You need excitement to jumpstart you.

Since I was inspired and excited tonight, I immediately took action. First I called a friend of mine about an idea I had. Then I went to another bookstore (that was still open) to get more ideas. Y’all, this was so much fun for me, just thinking about possibilities. This is the great thing about excitement–it thinks everything is possible. For a creative, this is absolutely necessary. You need excitement to jumpstart you, to carry you into the hard work, which–no doubt–will come. And hopefully by that point you’ve grown so fond of your project, that you won’t turn back. Hopefully by that point you’ll believe so much in what you’re doing–and, more importantly in yourself–that you’ll keep showing up regardless of mood, regardless of whether the sky is gloomy or the sun shines bright.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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 Beautiful isn’t something that comes in a particular package. Beautiful is simply being yourself.

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It Doesn’t Taste Like Chocolate (Blog #676)

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Holy cow. The sun was out today. Talk about marvelous. It was warm and everything, so warm, in fact, that I went for a walk around the neighborhood. And whereas my knee, which I recently had surgery on, required me to go slow, I did it. Made some vitamin D, burned a few calories, and cheered myself right up. To God be the glory, great things he hath done.

This afternoon I went grocery shopping, first to the health food store for fermented things, then to Aldi’s for everything else. Last week when I went, it took forever, but today I was in and out of both stores within an hour. This is thanks to the fact that I’m eating clean and, therefore, only like six things. And now that I know where they are, well, shopping is easy peasy.

What’s not easy peasy, apparently, is opening a can of tuna, which I tried to do when I got home from shopping because I was hungry. Y’all, that little pull tab snapped right off, so I tried opening the can with a screwdriver. This is a good idea, I thought, but it wasn’t. I guess those cans are under pressure (aren’t we all?); I got it open, but the tuna splattered everywhere. The kitchen looked like a toddler had contracted salmonella.

Now I’m doing laundry.

Once I cleaned up the tuna mess, I opened another can of tuna and made a salad–lettuce, onions, carrots, nuts, all the healthy things. Do you guys have any idea how long it takes to eat a salad? Seriously, there’s so much chewing. (I’ve never had this problem with a chocolate malt.) When I finally finished, I was stuffed. Now it’s forty-five minutes later, and I’m starving. What the hell, salad? (This is why people don’t like you.) Granted, I’m not bloated and can sit down without unbuttoning my jeans, but I’m pretty sure I could go back to cheeseburgers and get the same effect with an elastic waistband.

Despite my issue with salads (like my previous boyfriends, they have no staying power), I’m enjoying my new diet, which amounts to little or no wheat/gluten, dairy, sugar, and alcohol. Although sometimes tired, my body feels better, less heavy. Plus, my skin issues have been steadily improving, as has (I think, maybe, hopefully) my stomach. Likewise, I can see improvements from my knee rehab and workout routine. Still, I get frustrated that results aren’t instantaneous (presto change-o) and also get bored with doing the same thing every day, every damn day. This is part of the reason I’ve been looking for different exercises to do online and even–gasp–eating salads (because chicken and rice was getting old).

Recently a friend asked me if I still enjoyed writing (the blog). The short answer is yes. At the same time, it’s not EXCITING like it was in the beginning. But not because it’s not fun or rewarding, but because it’s not the beginning. That’s the deal, if you’re excited about something, you’re probably just getting started with it. Excitement has to do with the new, the novel. The place you get results, however, has to do with the routine, the ho-hum haven’t-we-done-this-a-million-times-before? Sadly, sticking with something isn’t sexy, and it doesn’t taste like chocolate. Still, it is satisfying to grind it out day after day then look back and see what you’ve done, what you’ve created, or how you’ve transformed. And good, I think, that the process of change isn’t exciting from start to finish, since then you’re challenged to master not only the thing–the diet, the exercise program, the writing–but also yourself–your thoughts, your emotions, your will, or anything else that would tell you to quit rather than keep going.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Life is better when we're not in control. When we mentally leave room for anything to happen, anything can.

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On Continuing Sans Perfection (Blog #675)

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For the last twenty minutes I’ve been trying to get my hotspot to work so I could blog on my laptop. Alas, for whatever reason, it’s currently defunct, so I’m blogging on my phone, using my thumbs to punch in one letter at a time. What a drag. What a serious drag. I hope I don’t get a callous.

This afternoon while most of America was eating cheese dip and preparing for the Superbowl, I went to the gym to rehab my knee and work out my upper body. As today was my second time this week following this regimen, I’m really surprised I don’t have pecs yet. Geez, some things take forever. And as if that weren’t disappointing enough, when I came home I pulled out a box of medjool dates for a snack, and the sticker on the box said, “Had a date lately?” I thought, Do you have to rub it in? Shit, a single guy can’t even eat a healthy snack without having his lack of a love-life thrown in his face. By a fruit, no less.

For the record, I’ve NEVER had this problem with chocolate cake.

This may come as a surprise, but I’m not a football fan. So while everyone else was wondering if Adam Levine would take a knee during his performance, I took a nap. I did, however, wake up in time for the half-time show, which I watched while I knitted.

Recently my friend Kara asked if I was learning to knit in order to get some sort of gay merit badge.

The answer is yes.

A couple things. In a previous post I said my current knitting project, a pot holder, would eventually have 36 rows. That was (an unintentional) lie. It’s going to have 60. Anyway, today I did twelve rows, so now I’ve done a total of 28. Almost halfway there. My big hangup today was that I noticed a mistake I made a few days ago. I guess I dropped a stitch or knitted instead of purled or something. Honestly, it’s not a big deal. You probably wouldn’t even notice it if I showed you. But I noticed it wasn’t perfect.

Instead of ripping out the entire damn thing and starting over, I forced myself to keep going. After all, this is supposed to be for fun. Plus, I kept thinking about all the hundreds of mistakes I’ve made dancing through the years and how much I’ve learned from them. Indeed, mistakes are necessary when we’re figuring things out. And as my therapist says, “You’ll be done figuring things out when you’re six feet under.”

In other words, mistakes are simply part off living. Like it or not, they come with the job.

The other thing that encouraged me to continue knitting sans perfection was thinking about this blog. That is, in over 600 blog posts, I’m SURE I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I proof each post three times, and I know mistakes still slip through. But whatever. This project doesn’t need to flawless, each word spelled correctly, each sentence punctuated just so. Indeed, the greatest benefit I’ve gotten from writing every day can’t even be measured in terms of the finished project because the greatest benefit has been internal. Likewise, whether you write, dance, or knit, it’s not about the actual thing or what you produce. It’s about how doing the thing changes you. It’s about what you learn and how much you grow.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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For me, it's important to hang on to this idea that no matter how bad they are, your circumstances can turn around, to believe that if an elephant can show up in your life, it can also disappear, to believe that just as the universe full of big problems, it is also full of big answers.

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The World Has It Backwards (Blog #674)

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This afternoon I met my longtime friend Kara for coffee (well, hot tea ’cause we fancy), and we laughed and laughed. Then as the conversation evolved, we dove deep. Kara said, “You’ve obviously chosen to live your life differently. What’s the end goal?” So I talked about my dreams of being a full-time (paid) writer and how I see this period in my life, living with my parents, not working a nine to five, as an investment. “It’s a gamble,” I said, “a bet that if you listen to your gut and follow your heart that things will work out. Of course, I’m not on the other side of that bet, so it’s still just a theory for me.”

I’ve been rolling this conversation around in my head ever since Kara and I said goodbye. Mostly I’ve been thinking about the fact that for every apparent downside to my living with my parents and not having a regular job, there have been just as many upsides. For example, these last two years have given me time to heal both inside and outside. Second, they’ve given me time to study a number of subjects that interest me and I imagine will play a big part in my future. Third, I’ve gotten a ton done with my therapist, work that wouldn’t have happened if I’d 1) had a full-time job or 2) been in a full-time relationship.

This evening I did some body-based exercises intended to highlight the differences between shutting down and opening up (in terms of posture and emotion). Then I worked on my current knitting project–a pot holder–and messed up a couple spots when I went from knitting to purling or vice versa. (Knitting and purling are the two basic stitches in knitting.) Thankfully, I figured out how to fix everything and also how to keep it the problem from happening again. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about contrast, that it’s often useful to know (and feel) the wrong way to stand or knit because then you can better understand the right way. Said differently, when you know what you don’t want, you know what you do want.

Along these lines, I can find gratitude for past failed relationships and even my health challenges, since they’ve created a strong desire for health in all areas of my life. Not that I didn’t want to be healthy before, but having experienced the opposite of health quite vividly a number of times in the past, I know better what I’d like my life and health to look and feel like in the future. Now I have a clearly picture of what it is I’m aiming for–er, I’m betting–where it is I’m going. And to be clear, I hate that, that sometimes you have to go down before you can go up.

In one of my very first blog posts (#4), I told a story about Joseph Campbell that’s worth repeating. He said there was a five-year period in his life that he just read books. He didn’t have “a real job,” he didn’t really work at all. He just studied. Years later he said he could see that time was absolutely necessary, since it set him up for his later success. I guess my point is that I’d like to do better about appreciating this down time, this contrast, for what it is now. I’d like to recognize it as a time to heal, as preparation, an essential and important chapter in my life story. I know that I often judge importance based on the world’s values of success and money, but having reconnected with my heart and soul in the absence of these things and believing one’s heart and soul are valuable above all else, I believe the world has it backwards.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If life can create a problem, it can also provide an answer.

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Five Pounds Is Five Pounds (Blog #673)

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It’s 6:10 in the evening, and I’m rushing to get this done in thirty minutes because later I’m going out for dinner and to hear a friend play live music. This is a good exercise for a writer–try to tell a long story, try to tell a short story. (This is me trying to tell a short story.)

Last night at the gym, in addition to doing my knee rehab, I started working out my upper body. I don’t remember the last time I on-purpose did this. Maybe a few years ago. Anyway, it wasn’t pretty. When I worked out my shoulders doing lateral raises (in which you raise your arms straight out to both sides), I only used five-pound weights. Five freakin’ pounds. Granted, that exercise doesn’t require a lot of weight in order for you to feel it, but all I felt–was like a wimp. Later, when I saw a “dude” doing the same exercise with twenty pound weights, I wanted to go over and apologize. Like, I promise I’ll do better next time. As if he’d patented the movement and I were somehow an embarrassment to him.

Human are so neurotic.

Despite the voice in my head that stated otherwise, I was actually quite proud of getting started on my upper body workout. Hell, I did more last night in an hour than I have in the last three years combined. Probably just another visit or two, and my muscles will be so big I’ll need to go up a shirt size. (GRRR.) I don’t know, I think this is the deal. You’re always going to have those voices in your head telling you you’re not good enough, not as worthy enough. Call it your inner (insecure) child. But that doesn’t mean your inner (in charge) adult can’t have a say too. Hey, I’m good enough to be here. We’re doing something good for ourselves. Five pounds is five pounds. The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.

You know, shit like that.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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As taught in the story of the phoenix, a new life doesn't come without the old one first being burned away.

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One Stitch at a Time (Blog #672)

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Today I’m generally content. This is a phrase my therapist uses a lot, generally content, that feeling somewhere in between being on top of the world and having the world on your shoulders. For me, it’s not feeling fabulous, but not feeling unfabulous either. It’s loving the results of your new diet, but not loving the fact that you just ate chicken and rice for the third time in two days. Generally content–it’s that feeling you get when you finally embrace your age and the fact that you enjoy a good prune.

So sue me.

This afternoon and evening I’ve done a little of this, a little of that. That is, I read in a book, watched an old television show on my laptop, did my knee rehab exercises, and knitted. Yesterday my friend Bonnie gave me my first official pattern or project–a pot holder that has the word HI stitched in the middle of it. When it’s finished it will be a square–36 rows with 36 stitches each. (That’s 1,296 stitches.) Tonight I spent about an hour doing the first six rows. (That’s 216 stitches.) Right at the end some stitches slipped off one of the needles, but after a lot of concentrated thinking, I figured out how to fix them. Phew.

I plan to go to the gym whenever I get done blogging. I went last night and tried a few new exercises, some for my knee, some for the rest of me. Y’all, at one point, while I was standing on one leg and passing a weighted ball from one hand to the other, I actually found myself having fun. What the hell–having fun at a gym?! Now, despite that fact that I’m often intimidated at the gym and am afraid of not knowing what I’m doing, I’m thinking about adding in some other exercises tonight. Because the truth is, I don’t really know what I’m doing. Granted, I’m no stranger to the gym, this isn’t my first workout rodeo, but I mean in general I’m not a pro. I’m not a pro at knitting, not a pro at working out. Fortunately, it turns out you don’t have to be a pro to either get good results or enjoy yourself.

This also applies to dancing, cooking, and love-making (I’ve heard, Mom).

I’ve blogged about it before, but it’s really been on my mind today that a little bit at a time goes a long way. I’m reading this book about resetting your body’s nervous system (in order to eliminate tension and pain), and it emphasizes that all the exercises should be done SLOWLY. It says, even if you just feel a SLIGHT feeling of relaxation, that’s significant. And whereas my inner completionist just wants the results, I know this is how results manifest–a little bit here, a little bit there. As in knitting, progress comes one stitch at a time.

Earlier I realized that it’s basically been two months since my knee injury. The accident happened December 1, and today is the last day of January. Just over sixty days, and so many of those days I’ve wanted to cry or pull my hair out it’s been so frustrating. But shit, look how far I’ve come. I’ve had surgery. Now I can walk without crutches. I can’t dance yet, but I’m making other noticeable improvements week by week. If things go according to plan, in one more month I’ll be jogging. A month after that, it’ll be spring; it’ll be warm out. Yes, this is doable. I’m gonna dance again, me and my constantly cold feet are gonna make it through winter, and I’m gonna get that potholder done.

One stitch at a time.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can be weird here. You can be yourself.

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The World Won’t Fall Apart (Blog #671)

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Things I am grateful for today–

1. Space

Last night I went to the gym at midnight. There were maybe three other people there, but basically I had the whole place to myself. It was crazy. There were three dozen treadmills and all this equipment, and I got to use whatever I wanted while I rehab-ed my knee and listened to podcasts. So often when visiting big cities or going to the movies I feel cramped or confined, but last night I could spread out. It’s just been on my mind lately, that both at the gym and home I have room to learn and grow in. Even on the internet, I have space to explore my insides and figure things out.

2. Time

This morning after breakfast I felt like going back to bed, so I did. My body’s just been tired lately, my stomach’s been upset. And whereas the productive part of me feels like I “should” be up doing things, I’m trying to do better about listening to and following the wisdom of my body. Like, it’s tired? Then I need to rest, not push. It’s that simple. And I’m glad that I can, that my life is such lately that I have the time to take it easy. Not everyone does, and I’m sure I won’t always.

3. Information

This evening my friend Bonnie gave me my second knitting lesson. Before I learned to knit; today I learned to purl. (There are two basic stitches in knitting–knit and purl.) Then Bonnie taught me how to read knitting instructions (a pattern). Y’all, I was absolutely fascinated. Just like dancing or any specialty thing has its special words and phrases, so does knitting. That is, it has its own language, a language I’m excited to learn.

4. Permission

Recently my therapist and I talked about the fact that the famous author Wayne Dyer apparently ran eight miles every day for over twenty-five years. Well, he missed one day. Anyway, I’d read about this and brought it up to my therapist because, well, it seems extreme. I mean, that’s every day, including days when he was sick or had the flu, and days when his children or grandchildren were born. Not that I really give a shit what other people do, but I wanted to talk about it because I recognize that extreme tendency in myself. Take this blog, for instance. I’m getting close to 700 days in a row, and there have been plenty of days when I was sick as a dog or simply tired that I did more harm than good by staying up and blogging just because I’m so often such a hard ass with myself.

Granted, I think there are times when you need to hold your own feet to the fire. This unbroken chain of blog posts gives me a great sense of pride and accomplishment, and that’s something. Plus, I know it will–one day–come to its natural end. (All things pass way.) But until then, I’m trying to give myself permission to lighten up in other ways. For example, I’m doing my knee rehab exercises twice a day instead of three. I was told, after all, that I’d reach my goal with “two or three times a day.” So, because three times a day was simply wearing me out, I’m choosing not to overachieve and rather simply achieve instead.

Surely the world won’t fall apart.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If you're not living a fully authentic life, a part of you will never be satisfied.

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Return on Investment (Blog #670)

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This morning I woke up to a voicemail from my dermatologist. “Call us about your results,” it said, which I assumed had to do with to the moles I had taken off recently. Shit, I thought, I have cancer. Super optimistic, I know. That’s me, always assuming the best. As it turns out, the results they were referring to was a test I had done last year at another dermatologist’s office (when my regular dermatologist didn’t take my insurance), a test I was previously told said I had “an inflammation whose cause is unknown.” (The problem went away after I changed washing detergents, but I’ve had other similar issues lately.) My dermatologist’s nurse said the report actually said my skin irritation could have been caused my mites, like scabies. (Ick, gross.) So just to be on the safe side, now I’m on an anti-parasite medication.

This is my life.

Alternatively, the report said I could have contact dermatitis. So maybe in a couple weeks I’m going to get tested for skin allergies. And whereas all of this sort of wears me out, I’m glad that my dermatologist is being aggressive and doing her best to figure out what’s going on. The way I see it, the more information I have, the better. When I walked into the bathroom this morning, I noticed my tongue was black. Again I thought, Cancer. But it turns out it was just a result of having taken Pepto-Bismol last night. My point being, despite my tendency to freak out, I’m learning to trust that everything is going to be fine.

This afternoon I had physical therapy for my knee, which I had surgery on last month. I go to this office with several therapists who all work together, and today I ended up with someone I haven’t seen before. She said she’d had three knee surgeries–three!–including one ACL repair like I had. This was super encouraging, since she was running around the therapy center like a jackrabbit and said now she never thinks about her surgeries. “It gets better,” she said. “Just be patient and follow the protocol and you’ll get to where you want to be.” So this is my new mantra. Be patient. Follow the protocol.

This evening I made dinner–chicken and rice. Oh my gosh, y’all, do you have any idea how long it takes to make rice? Fifty frickin’ minutes. What the hell? It took over an hour to put my entire meal together and only seven to eat it. Where’s the return on investment?

Ugh. It occurs to me that in order to appreciate anything, you’ve got to put your time or money into it. You’ve got to be patient, follow the protocol. For example, after a year of seeing doctors, I appreciate my health more than I ever have. After having injured my knee, I want to run (well, walk) out into the streets and shout, “Do you know how lucky you people are because you have two working legs?!” And despite my joking about how long my meal took to cook, I did enjoy it more than I would have a fast food burger. Not only was it healthier for me, but I made it, and there’s a certain amount of pride in that. (I boiled rice!) So I guess that’s the return on investment, that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you know you’ve worked hard for something, be it your health (including your mental health), your ability to walk, or even your supper.

And, especially in the midst of winter, let us never underestimate the importance of a warm, fuzzy feeling.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can be weird here. You can be yourself.

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That’s Enough for One Day (Blog #669)

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Today I can’t find my balance. This morning I woke up at seven after having slept, I don’t know, four hours and couldn’t go back to sleep. I’m blaming my achy leg and keep telling myself, Be patient, Marcus. They put a drill through you, they put a drill through you. Finally, I fell back asleep. Still, I’ve taken two naps today. My tummy’s been acting up–who knows why?–and all I want to do is rest. Recently I watched a video that said that’s normal anyway. It’s winter. It’s cold out. Nature wants to hibernate. Go to bed, damn it.

After three days of clean eating, I’m officially over it. Not that I’m quitting, but EVERYTHING has gluten, dairy, sugar, or alcohol in it. (Especially alcohol has alcohol in it.) That being said, I have lost a few pounds. That’s exciting. I’m doing this diet for other reasons, of course (to give my body a break and help it heal), but I don’t know a gay man who wouldn’t be thrilled about seeing the needle on the scale go down. My thought: Who cares if my stomach’s doing somersaults? At least it’s gonna be flat. Sick, I know.

Don’t worry, I have a therapist.

This afternoon I dived into a book about pandiculation, which is a fancy term for yawning. Well, stretching and yawning. It’s basically what your dog or cat does when it wakes up in the morning, although they’re apparently not so much stretching their muscles as they are contracting them (so that they can then relax and lengthen them). Anyway, the book, which is called Move Like an Animal, says that pandiculation is our built-in mechanism for relieving stress, tension, and trauma and eliminating pain. Eeek. I’m excited to try the suggested exercises.

Currently it’s 9:30 at night, and I’m washing the sheets on my bed. I keep thinking about the various books I’m reading, one on pandiculation, one on Rational Emotive Therapy, one by Wayne Dyer. I get so eager to learn, to finish them, and yet I’m not inclined to read every damn minute of every day. Especially since so much of what I read is on a digital device, there’s only so much my eyes can take. Even now as I stare at my laptop, they feel like they’re going to fall out of my head and roll onto the floor. Plus, my brain is tired, full. If it could talk, I imagine it would say, Haven’t you had enough words for one lifetime?

It occurred to me earlier that I often try to do too much, too fast. Shocking, I know. That is, since I had knee surgery last month, I’ve started doing rehab, and that means I try to get to the gym several days a week. Then I started learning to knit, and then this weekend I started this diet. Now I’m trying to complete a read-a-thon. All this in addition to blogging every day. Granted, I think each and every one of these things is well and good; it’s just a lot at one time. I blame America. Everyone here is constantly on the damn go.

Another thing I thought about today is that my body always gets tired and wants to slow down whenever I cut back on carbs. It gets better after a week or so, after things switch over from carb-burning to fat-burning mode. So now it occurs to me that rather than push, push, pushing, the kind thing to do in my present situation would be to be patient. Because a lot of things have changed lately. My body’s been through hell, and it takes time to adjust, time to cool off after you’ve been through the fire. Sometimes, I think, you have to say, “That’s enough for one day.”

That’s enough for one day.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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It’s hard to say where a kindness begins or ends.

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The Tendency of Life (Blog #668)

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After two days of feeling like crud, I woke up feeling better today. In fact, when I woke up at eight this morning I felt so much better that I couldn’t go back to sleep for over two hours. What finally did the trick was a visualization/relaxation album I found on my music subscription service. You know–relax the top of your head, relax your shoulders, all is well in the universe, and shit like that. Anyway, I’ve pretty much felt fabulous all day–no sinus junk, more energy.

I can’t tell you how exciting this is.

I’m attributing my health’s upswing to a number of things. First, there’s a probiotic that saved the day last year when I had a three-month-long sinus infection, so I’ve been hitting that twice a day (by swabbing it up my nose) since I woke up sick Friday morning. For sinus infections, it’s seriously a miracle. Second, I’ve been taking Zicam, Airborne, and bone broth in order to support my immune system. Third, I’ve cleaned up my diet by eliminating or severely cutting back on wheat, dairy, soy, sugar, and alcohol. And not that any of this is fun (or tastes like chocolate cake), but I sure enjoy the results.

Despite feeling better, I’ve taken today easy. This afternoon I read for a couple hours, did my physical therapy exercises for my knee (I had surgery to repair my ACL last month), then took a nap. Then this evening Mom made dinner, and all of us watched the live(ish) version of the musical RENT on Fox. I say live(ish) because one of the actors, Brennin Hunt, apparently injured his foot during dress rehearsal yesterday, so most of tonight’s footage (no pun intended) was from a previously filmed dress rehearsal. Still, having an injured leg myself, I thought it was pretty cool that in tonight’s final scene (which was live), Brennin appeared not only in THE cast but also in A cast.

The show must go on!

While watching tonight’s show, I finished my very first knitting project. And whereas I wish I could tell you what it is, I can’t because it was just for practice. Still, I’m super proud of it, since it’s my first “thing,” and I didn’t drop any stitches. (Drop a stitch is knitting talk for fuck up.) Anyway, it occurred to me while I was working on this project that every stitch is important. Just drop one of those suckers, and the whole thing will be off. (I know, I dropped plenty of stitches initially and had to start all over.) Likewise, when it comes to healing, or even one’s life, everything you do counts. There’s no such thing as an insignificant action or day. Everything links together.

The idea of abundance has been on my mind today. This morning when I searched for visualization/relaxation material on my music subscription service, I noticed that one of my favorite authors, who previously had only one album on the service, now had fifty-two albums on the service. Holy crap. If I were to order just one of those albums on Amazon, it would cost eighteen dollars. That’s nearly a thousand dollars worth of material I have at my fingertips for free (or rather, for $9.99 a month). I don’t know, I guess I’m trying to see abundance where I didn’t see it before, to recognize that it doesn’t just come in dollars. It also comes in information, health, and time–time to read, time to rehabilitate and heal, and time to learn new skills.

Time to drop a stitch and start over again.

Drop a stitch and start over again. The show must go on. Recently I rewatched Bill Moyers’s interviews with Joseph Campbell, and my man Joe, while talking about facing your challenges with courage, said, “I think of grass, you know. Every two weeks a chap comes out with a lawn mower and cuts it down. Suppose the grass were to say, ‘Well, for Pete’s sake, what’s the use?'” In other words, we all get knocked down, but the tendency of life is to get back up again. That’s something I’m learning by watching and experiencing my body healing, that it wants to try again, that it wants to find balance, and–more importantly–that it can if I’m willing to help it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"We all have inner wisdom. We all have true north."