The Tendency of Life (Blog #668)

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After two days of feeling like crud, I woke up feeling better today. In fact, when I woke up at eight this morning I felt so much better that I couldn’t go back to sleep for over two hours. What finally did the trick was a visualization/relaxation album I found on my music subscription service. You know–relax the top of your head, relax your shoulders, all is well in the universe, and shit like that. Anyway, I’ve pretty much felt fabulous all day–no sinus junk, more energy.

I can’t tell you how exciting this is.

I’m attributing my health’s upswing to a number of things. First, there’s a probiotic that saved the day last year when I had a three-month-long sinus infection, so I’ve been hitting that twice a day (by swabbing it up my nose) since I woke up sick Friday morning. For sinus infections, it’s seriously a miracle. Second, I’ve been taking Zicam, Airborne, and bone broth in order to support my immune system. Third, I’ve cleaned up my diet by eliminating or severely cutting back on wheat, dairy, soy, sugar, and alcohol. And not that any of this is fun (or tastes like chocolate cake), but I sure enjoy the results.

Despite feeling better, I’ve taken today easy. This afternoon I read for a couple hours, did my physical therapy exercises for my knee (I had surgery to repair my ACL last month), then took a nap. Then this evening Mom made dinner, and all of us watched the live(ish) version of the musical RENT on Fox. I say live(ish) because one of the actors, Brennin Hunt, apparently injured his foot during dress rehearsal yesterday, so most of tonight’s footage (no pun intended) was from a previously filmed dress rehearsal. Still, having an injured leg myself, I thought it was pretty cool that in tonight’s final scene (which was live), Brennin appeared not only in THE cast but also in A cast.

The show must go on!

While watching tonight’s show, I finished my very first knitting project. And whereas I wish I could tell you what it is, I can’t because it was just for practice. Still, I’m super proud of it, since it’s my first “thing,” and I didn’t drop any stitches. (Drop a stitch is knitting talk for fuck up.) Anyway, it occurred to me while I was working on this project that every stitch is important. Just drop one of those suckers, and the whole thing will be off. (I know, I dropped plenty of stitches initially and had to start all over.) Likewise, when it comes to healing, or even one’s life, everything you do counts. There’s no such thing as an insignificant action or day. Everything links together.

The idea of abundance has been on my mind today. This morning when I searched for visualization/relaxation material on my music subscription service, I noticed that one of my favorite authors, who previously had only one album on the service, now had fifty-two albums on the service. Holy crap. If I were to order just one of those albums on Amazon, it would cost eighteen dollars. That’s nearly a thousand dollars worth of material I have at my fingertips for free (or rather, for $9.99 a month). I don’t know, I guess I’m trying to see abundance where I didn’t see it before, to recognize that it doesn’t just come in dollars. It also comes in information, health, and time–time to read, time to rehabilitate and heal, and time to learn new skills.

Time to drop a stitch and start over again.

Drop a stitch and start over again. The show must go on. Recently I rewatched Bill Moyers’s interviews with Joseph Campbell, and my man Joe, while talking about facing your challenges with courage, said, “I think of grass, you know. Every two weeks a chap comes out with a lawn mower and cuts it down. Suppose the grass were to say, ‘Well, for Pete’s sake, what’s the use?'” In other words, we all get knocked down, but the tendency of life is to get back up again. That’s something I’m learning by watching and experiencing my body healing, that it wants to try again, that it wants to find balance, and–more importantly–that it can if I’m willing to help it.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You can rise above. You can walk on water.

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The Universe Is Upside Down (Blog #645)

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Two good things that happened today–

1. I got rich, bitch

Well, sort of. Just before Christmas and my knee surgery, I made at a cash deposit through my bank’s night-time drop box. And whereas the deposit showed up online the day after Christmas, it was for MORE than what I’d written down. A hundred dollars more. For the last week, I’ve continued to check online thinking someone had made a mistake, but nothing’s changed. Maybe I miscounted, I thought, grabbed an extra hundred.

Like I had an extra hundred to grab.

Anyway, now that I’m semi-mobile, I went to the bank today to inquire about the matter. For twenty to thirty minutes, I watched a very kind teller run back and forth, checking his computer, pulling out deposit slips, asking people questions. Finally, he came back and said that yes, there’d been a mistake. “However,” he said, “our books still balance.”

“So what are you saying?” I said.

“I’m saying don’t worry about,” he said. “You can keep it. Merry Christmas.”

Merry Christmas indeed.

Thanks, universe!

2. Someone was kind

After going to the bank, I went to Walmart for knee Bandaids and foods rich in potassium, since my legs have been achy and restless at night and I’m thinking it might have something to do with my electrolytes. (Or maybe the fact that one of my legs was recently cut open and severely traumatized.) Anyway, this was a serious chore, walking all around a damn warehouse, since I move with all the agility and speed of a slug. Everyone was passing me–people with canes, people in wheelchairs–everyone. Talk about being self-conscious. But then at the checkout line an old man, with a beard like Moses, step backed and waved me ahead. “You go first,” he said.

I think the phrase for what I immediately experienced is “cognitive dissonance,” that feeling that something is out of order. An old man making concessions for a whippersnapper like me. But I’m learning that the universe is out of order. The universe is upside down. At least from how we think about it. We think we don’t deserve something, that we’re not worthy of all the good in the world, and yet there the world is, offering all its goodness to us constantly.

Well, at least a couple times a day.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Since one life touches another, we can never really say how far our influence goes. Truly, our story goes on and on in both directions. Truly, we are infinite.

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Thoughts Can Be Changed (Blog #607)

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It’s just before eleven in the evening, and my parents’ house smells like potpourri because my dad just farted and sprayed something to cover it up. I’m not sure which smells worse–the fart or the spray. Last night a dog–either my parents’ or my aunt’s–shit on my futon, where I usually blog. I was having a bad day and had just dragged my laptop and pillows into the futon room to start writing, and there it was. It’s like the dog knew exactly where I prefer to sit and thought, Yep, this is the place. Fuck him. But that’s the deal when you’re having a bad day. Everything that goes wrong feels personal. As if the universe were a bully that not only wants your lunch money, but also is willing to hand deliver offensive smells and shitty situations to your doorstep if you don’t pay up.

Anyway.

The bad mood I had yesterday is better, although it’s lingered. Mostly, I’m tired and am looking forward to seeing my doctor in a couple weeks. It’s not that I’m sick-sick, I just don’t have a lot of pep in my step. Some days I drag ass from start to finish, and other days I feel super. But even then, I wear out easier than normal. By normal I mean before I got sick so bad a year ago. Shit, nothing’s been normal since then, and I guess that’s my frustration. I keep wanting to be on the other side of that entire ordeal, but–apparently–I’m not. It’s this weird thing, when you know you’re out of the woods, but you haven’t quite left its shadows.

I spent this afternoon working on my photo organizing project. I’m almost done. It’s strange, looking back at all those old photos. I know I had things I worried about back then, but they weren’t the same things I worry about now–my health, my finances. It’s like these concerns just show up one day, and then–bam–you’re stuck with them. But I really don’t believe it has to be that way. Earlier tonight I watched a positive thinking thing and was reminded that limiting beliefs like This will never get better or That might work for other people, but it won’t work for me are just thoughts, and thoughts CAN be changed.

I really have been working on this lately, acknowledging the fact that I have a lot of negative or limiting thoughts running around in my head and trying to do something about them. But usually when I try to “say affirmations” or “think the opposite,” it feels like I’m blowing a lot of smoke up my own ass. Saying everything is fine when it isn’t feels like–hum–spraying potpourri over a fart. So my approach recently has been to be gentler. That is, instead of saying everything is fine, I’ve simply been trying to relax more, to softly make room–even a little room–for something different or better to come along.

Often on this path of self-growth and healing, it feels as if I “should” be better at this positive thinking thing. I think, Why is abundance (in all its many forms) still such a hang-up for me? Well, it just is. For me, the idea of scarcity was planted a long time ago and has been practiced A LOT. But I’m telling myself that’s okay because in any moment, I can start over. In any moment, I can take a deep breath, think a new thought, and try again. This, I think, is one of life’s greatest graces, that we can turn our lives around gently and a little at a time, that we try, try again.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

"We all have inner wisdom. We all have true north."

On Which Glasses You Choose to Wear (Blog #559)

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In my parents’ living room is a large leather recliner. It’s gorgeous, comfortable. One could really get lost in it. That being said, I’ve only once spent any significant amount of time in this recliner–when I was recovering from my sinus surgery–because my mom LIVES in this recliner. Simply put, it’s hers, and my dad and I make a lot of jokes about the fact that we rarely get to use it. Anyway, this morning while I was eating breakfast, Mom said that she’s been getting cold recently and explained, “When you sit in the recliner, it’s right under the air vent.”

So I said, “Well, I wouldn’t know anything about that.”

And then my mom, who reads my blog every day, used my own material against me. She said, “Is that what you call being passive aggressive?”

I was stunned.

“Yes,” I said. Then I added–“It’s an option.”

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we mostly processed my time working backstage for the national tour of The Wizard of Oz. It was a good experience, of course, but it was also A LOT of information (my therapist called it a “data dump”), considering the fact that I was new to much of what was going on and also new to working with so many people and having “a boss.” Not completely new, of course, but it’s been a while since I’ve worked with a such large group or for someone else–like twenty years.

As I’ve discussed here before, I told my therapist that in new situations I often think of myself as invisible or “not worthy of being noticed,” and it’s therefore shocking when people DO notice me (which they did this last week). She said this belief was “just irritating” and needed to go.

Toward the end of our session, we talked about money. This is a topic my therapist appears to be quite comfortable with, and one I’m trying to get comfortable with. My therapist says the more we talk about money, the more my brain will begin to think, This shit’s all right. Today she said I should pick an amount of money I’d like to make a day that’s not “outrageous” but the thought of which is “just enough to make you nervous.” So I did. Now my job is to simply “will it into existence.” And whereas I understand that this sounds like a bunch of new-age bullshit, my therapist says that if I pair my current work ethic with positive self-talk, the universe will respond favorably.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

I told my therapist that one of the over-arching beliefs I’ve held for–well–decades is that “maybe it’ll work for everyone else, but it won’t work for me.” Super optimistic, I know. Anyway, I’ve applied this thinking to my relationships, my health, and my finances. This is the way beliefs work–they don’t just affect one area of your life; they affect everything. Much like tinted spectacles, beliefs are the filter through which we see the world. Like, if you don’t believe in abundance, you’ll never see it. Even if you have a hundred dollars–or even a million dollars–in your pocket, you’ll think, It’s not enough.

Currently I’m sitting in a library surrounded by THOUSANDS of books and ENDLESS potential knowledge. Now, I could focus on the fact that I don’t have enough time to read all these books or the fact that there are a lot of other books I’m interested in that aren’t in this library. (Talk about lack!) Or I could focus on the fact that I have access to ALL THIS INFORMATION–basically–for free. (Talk about abundance!) The way I see it, just like being direct and being passive aggressive are OPTIONS in conversation, seeing lack and seeing abundance are OPTIONS in perspective. Yes, an objective reality exists–there are a certain number of books here. But a subjective reality also exists, and that reality depends solely on your thoughts and your beliefs, on which glasses you–and only you–choose to wear.

Wayne Dyer used to say, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” This is what I’m trying to do–gradually adjust my thinking and beliefs when it comes to my relationships, my health, and my finances. Personally, I’m tired of believing, It’s not enough. For me, it’s lazy–that is, habitual–thinking. Today I told my therapist, “I’m done believing that things work for other people and not me. (As my favorite coffee cup says–Fuck This Shit.) My new thought is–If it can work for someone else, it can work for me.

“THANK YOU!” she said.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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You really do belong here.

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On Melting Witches (Blog #544)

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Tonight I finally finished cleaning the house that belongs to my friends who recently moved. It’s been a process, and I didn’t tackle the master bedroom until tonight because we needed to get new carpet installed first, which happened last week. Anyway, this afternoon I filled a bucket with soap and water in the kitchen and hauled it upstairs into the bedroom. Then, like I did in the rest of the house a couple weeks ago, I scrubbed every wall from top to bottom, then wiped down the baseboards. It was a slow process.

Inch by inch.

This evening I took a break for dinner, then returned to my friends’ former bedroom to vacuum the new carpet, since the installation process left the place looking like what might happen if a litter of puppies were let loose in a store full of teddy bears. And whereas I began with the main vacuum attachment–the one with the motorized brush the “sweeps” everything up into the machine, the rotary motion of the brush just whacked all the little carpet pieces from one spot on the floor to another. Well, there’s more than one way to skin a cat, so I used another attachment, one without a motor. However, since this attachment was the size of a pocket harmonica, it didn’t make for quick work. You should have seen me down on my knees pushing and pulling this thing back and forth across five hundred square feet of carpet.

Inch by inch.

Caroline Myss says that when you’re working on becoming conscious, you’ll inevitably create situations in your life in which you’re forced to face your fears, situations that will allow you to bring your shadow into the light. For example, in The Wizard of Oz, Dorothy is unable to speak up to Miss Gulch when the old hag takes away her everything, her dog Toto. (Toto means “everything” in Latin.) So before she can get back home (to her authentic, empowered self), Dorothy has to face Miss Gulch in the form of the Wicked Witch of the West. When she does, she soaks the witch with water, and the witch melts away. At this point, Dorothy has the witch’s broom. That is to say, her conscious self now has the power that previously belonged to her unconscious fear.

This tale has been on my mind today because I recently turned down a job offer, a dance thing. And whereas I’m absolutely certain that I made the right decision, it was a difficult decision to make because it brought up all my fears about scarcity and lack. Like, What if other opportunities don’t come along? And what if I disappoint someone?

Scarcity, lack, and what my therapist calls “fear of the response”–these are my big witches.

Joseph Campbell says that when you’re on YOUR path and not someone else’s, you don’t have to worry about facing your witches (he calls them dragons) because you’ll have help along the way. His term for this help is magical aid. Dorothy has Glinda the Good Witch, Cinderella has her fairy godmother, Luke Skywalker has Yoda, and Frodo has Gandalf. Personally, I have my therapist, who’s reminded me on a number of occasions that you can NEVER go wrong when you trust yourself (as in, this isn’t right for me right now) or act from an attitude of abundance instead of lack (as in, there will be other opportunities).

There’s a verse in the Bible that says, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of heaven.” I often say that I don’t suggest the path of personal and spiritual growth to others. My point is–this path, though rewarding, is not fun, since once you give the light of your consciousness permission to go roaming about in the dark of your internal basement, it will end up cleaning your entire house inch by inch. In other words, it will affect every part of your life–every relationship, every dynamic, every personal viewpoint.

Toto.

Melting witches is messy business.

This internal cleaning and process of transformation feels like being slung about by a tornado and NOT like skipping down the Yellow Brick Road. You will WANT to look back and you will WANT to quit, since it is in no way whatsoever enjoyable to have all your witches and dragons trotted out before you so that you can stare them down and become empowered. Granted, the results are lovely, but the process itself is terrifying. Often, there’s (figurative) bloodshed involved. (My recent situation worked out well, but in facing other fears and confronting other issues, I’ve lost friendships.) Simply put, melting witches is messy business. I don’t recommend it.

That is, of course, unless you want to get back home.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Rejecting yourself is what really hurts.

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A Simple Acorn (Blog #541)

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Last night I had a friend visit from out-of-town, and we spent the evening catching up and partying. Specifically, at dinner, I drank a frozen margarita bigger than my head. It was delicious. I enjoyed every drop. That being said, I woke up in the middle of the night with a headache, so perhaps I overdid it. I don’t know. I’m still learning about moderation.

This morning–because of the margarita–I woke up later than usual, so my no-caffeine-past-noon rule got pushed back a couple hours. Otherwise, I’ve put myself back on track today. I ate three sensible meals. I drank a lot of water. I went for a run (in the rain). I stretched.

Yesterday I blogged that I’m not exercising for the current benefits, but rather for the future benefits. In other words, I don’t need immediate results, nor do I expect the changes produced by my workouts to be like my oatmeal (instant). Granted, I’m sure there are immediate physical benefits to exercising like reduced stressed and increased blood circulation, but my point was that you don’t get a flat stomach as a reward for one jog around the neighborhood. One of my friends pointed out, however, that there ARE immediate EMOTIONAL benefits to working out. I agree. Not only do I feel more “alive” when I exercise, but I also have an increased sense of accomplishment and self-esteem as I go throughout the day.

I spent this afternoon reading a chapter or two in four different books–one about the history of alchemy, one about the sun and moon, one about why we sleep (I’ve mentioned this one before), and one about money (something that terrifies me, so I’ve decided to learn more about it). Part of me thinks I “should” just pick one book and read it all the way through, but that’s simply not how I roll. (The book about money said that anytime you use the word “should,” you could replace it with the word “want” and see if the statement is still true for you. “I WANT to pick one book and read it all the way through.” No, that’s not true for me. I’d rather read several concurrently.)

Lately I’ve been thinking about the idea of “the slight edge,” a theory (and book by Jeff Olson) that proposes (among other things) that if you were to read just ten pages in a book every day, you would reliably read three-hundred pages of new material every month. Go figure, math. Anyway, this concept can obviously be applied to other endeavors besides reading. You could eat a little better every morning. You could walk a bit further every evening. The slight edge–it’s just another way of explaining what I’ve been saying over and over again for the last week–small actions, done consistently, add up.

There’s an idea in spiritual and psychological circles that says one of the goals of healing is to take the emotional charge out of your memories. In other words, if something that happened five or fifteen or twenty-five years ago still makes you angry, upset, or distraught, that’s a clue that part of you is “stuck” there, since events that are fully processed and integrated tend to have a “neutral” quality about them. Anyway, the book I’m reading about money says the same thing–money in and of itself should be a neutral experience for you–it shouldn’t be emotionally charged with worry, shame, embarrassment, or disgust.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

One of the exercises the book proposes is to write down your top ten negative thoughts about money–you know–those “biggies” that automatically pop into your brain whenever a bill shows up in your mailbox or whenever you reach for your wallet and find it thinner than you’d like it to be. For example, one negative thought might be, “There’s never enough.” So just before blogging, I did this, then I did the next part of the exercise, which was to write an OPPOSITE thought or affirmation about money. I’ll spare you all twenty statements that I came up with, but here are four of them (two pairs of negatives and their opposites)–

Negative thought: It won’t work.
Positive thought: It will work. The universe always find a way. I always find a way.

Negative thought: I’ll always be poor.
Positive thought: I’ll always be prosperous. I couldn’t keep money away even if I wanted to.

So get this shit. Not two minutes after I finished this exercise and wrote, “I couldn’t keep money away even if I wanted to,” a friend of mine texted me about a job opportunity, some temporary work that’s available for ten days starting next week. And whereas I’m hard-headed (I thought, It won’t work), I’m not THAT hard-headed, so I checked into it, and as of now, it’s gonna happen. (I’ll write more about it as things materialize.) Granted, it’s not my dream job or my dream pay, but it is A JOB and it is GOOD PAY. Plus, it sounds fun. Like, I WANT to do it. And as my dad said, “You never know what will happen. You could meet someone. This could turn into something else.”

The universe always find a way.

One of favorite mythological images is that of the baby Jesus in the manger. Taken as a symbol and not just a matter of history, this picture of the Son of God being born in a stable teaches us to not judge a person’s (or a situation’s) potential by the package they’re delivered in. (Don’t judge a book, or a savior, by it’s cover.) Caroline Myss points out that the divine works in paradoxes. What seems big is small. What seems small is big. In other words, despise not small actions. Despise not small beginnings. The largest oak tree begins as a simple acorn.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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As taught in the story of the phoenix, a new life doesn't come without the old one first being burned away.

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Life’s Labyrinth (Blog #448)

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Today was the summer solstice, the “longest” day of the year. (I had to take a nap to get through it.) For the next sixth months, the amount of sunlight we have will gradually decrease each day. Yes, dear reader, the long, slow march to winter has begun. I’m not excited about this. (I hate winter.) Historically, today is a day of celebration (the sun is high in the sky!), but it feels like a death to me. There’s only one longest day a year, and now it’s over–dead–just like spring is dead, just like increasingly longer days are dead.

I really liked these things.

I saw my therapist this morning, and we talked about relationships (friends, students, lovers). This was in the context of my tendency to people please, my desire to follow-up with everyone in my life to make sure they are “okay” or not mad at me. My therapist’s advice–don’t chase anyone. It’s desperate, needy, and stems from a “lack” mentality. Abundance, she says, is where it’s at. (Step right up and get you some!) My personal jury is still out on this one, but I’m considering it.

It SOUNDS like a good idea.

After therapy, I went to the park to read and watch hot guys jog around without their shirts on. Last year I started a book on mythology by PL Travers (the woman who penned Mary Poppins) and recently picked it back up. The book, called What the Bee Knows, is a collection of essays that Travers wrote for a magazine, so they are sort of all over the place topically. But an image that stuck with me from today’s reading was that of a labyrinth, this maze-like path that loops back on itself. Travers says life is like this, moving around in circles. We think we’re lost, that we’re going backwards, but that’s just The Way.

Going backwards. That’s how I feel a lot. I’m living with my parents. I don’t have “a real job.” I’m almost forty. Shouldn’t I be passed all this by now? Passed–my past? Even in therapy there are times I think, Are we STILL talking about my desire to please people?

Yes, yes we are.

You can’t get lost.

Back home this evening, I rested before teaching a dance lesson. For dinner my dad made chicken nuggets, then I went for a walk to make myself feel better about the fact that I ate so many of them. For a while I did my usual route, up down one block, then the next. Finally I stopped at a labyrinth at a nearby church and walked the path. I guess it was on my mind from the book this afternoon, but I like to do this sometimes, start on the outside of the circle, wind my way around and around until I hit the center. This is how a labyrinth is different from a maze. A maze has multiple entries and exits, or at least several possible ways to get where you’re going. Plus, there are wrong turns and dead ends. But labyrinths aren’t like that–they have one entry, the same exit. You can wind around getting to the middle (that’s the point) but you can’t get lost.

This is what I love about a labyrinth–there’s only one way. Perhaps this is why so many people use them as a meditative device. It’s easy to fall into a rhythm as you walk around in circles. Early on in the labyrinth you’re within steps of reaching the center–your goal–but then you’re taken away from it. Within minutes, you’re far away from it. All the looping back is frustrating and seems inefficient. But then you realize that looping back is, essentially, a way to time travel–to clean up your past–to pick up anything you dropped along The Way. So eventually you learn to trust the path you’re on.

This is something I’m working on, letting go of how I thought I’d “get there” and accepting each step along my particular journey. Every day it’s something new, something old. Oh, this again. Haven’t we been here before? I mourn the death of longer days, the changing of The Seasons, but this too is part of life’s labyrinth. Here, there’s one way in, one way out. Everything moves in circles. Everything loops back and repeats itself. You and the stars are no different–each on your own heavenly path. So one day you move a little closer to The Center, the next a little further away. No matter. The Center awaits. There are no wrong turns.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Give yourself an abundance of grace.

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You Should Use That Thing (Blog #433)

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It’s just before one in the morning, and it’s been a long day. A good day, a fun day, but a long day. Several hours ago I started getting tired, and now my allergies are acting up “just enough.” For these reasons, I hope to keep tonight’s blog quick and to the point. You can do this, Marcus, you can do this.

This afternoon I saw my therapist and read her last night’s blog about my wanting to go easier on myself. She said that voice I have in my head, my inner coach, critic, or asshole that’s always demanding more is essentially my inner child, that part of me that developed early in life and has the need or drive to be constantly productive and perfect. “That strategy was really helpful when you were younger and had a lot of responsibility on your shoulders,” she said. “And you can still rock out perfection if you need to redecorate a house or perform a dance routine. But you don’t have to rock it out every minute of every day.”

My therapist’s suggestion for responding to my inner child was to use compassion. Like, I shouldn’t say, “Listen here, you little shit,” then tell that demanding part of me to screw off. Rather, I should reach for understanding and actually dialogue with myself. (“I’m not encouraging schizophrenia,” she said.) Something like, “I know you think we need to be ‘doing something’ constantly, but we are doing something–we’re watching a movie. I hear you, baby, and I’m making a different choice.”

Sounds easy enough, but changing my mind and thought patterns (like for real) often sounds too good to be true. “And this can happen?” I asked. “It’s possible to live one way for thirty years then effectively turn things around?”

“Yes, I see it every day,” she answered. “Well, sometimes every other day, but still–people can change.”

So that’s good news.

My therapist and I also talked about me finding my voice. (Where did I put that thing?) The conversation was in the context of my saying that I’d started sticking up for myself with the car insurance company of the guy who rammed into my last year, telling the agent that what she was offering to settle the case was “pitiful” and “unacceptable.” I told my therapist I was weary of being nervous both generally and whenever I have to confront someone, of acting like I don’t belong here, of feeling unimportant or small (like I don’t have anything to contribute).

“You’re tired of not being heard,” she said.

“Yes, I’m tired of not being heard.”

I SAID I’M TIRED OF NOT BEING HEARD.

(That was a joke.)

After therapy I ran some errands and ended up at a used bookstore. (I’m prone to do this sort of thing.) And whereas I hardly ever get into good, engaging, balanced conversations with total strangers, especially other guys, especially guys sort-of my age, I did while at the bookstore. I’m mentioning this fact for two reasons. First, life is full of surprises, and–apparently–kind people. Two, just one hour after leaving therapy and talking about wanting to be heard, I was randomly told by a complete stranger, “You have a great voice. You should use that thing.” This was said in reference to my potentially doing voice work (radio, advertising, etc.), but I took it as further confirmation from the universe–Speak up, speak out, you’re on the right track.

Give yourself an abundance of grace.

This evening I stopped by to see my aunt, who’s getting ready for a yard sale. Sitting down in an old chair on her lawn, I propped my feet up on an ottoman, and the neighborhood stray cat jumped up in my lap. Y’all, this never happens with me and cats, but this fella rubbed his head all around me, stretched out, made himself at home. I kept thinking, God, I hope he doesn’t have fleas, but it really was adorable, the sweetest thing. Thankfully, I’m beginning to enjoy moments like these more. Sitting there this evening, I never once considered that I needed to be elsewhere, doing other things. My therapist says we think of abundance as strictly about money, but it’s also about moments like these and receiving all the love and encouragement life has to offer. It’s about having an abundance of self-acceptance, an abundance of compassion for your inner child. It’s about giving yourself an abundance of grace to grow, to learn, to change, to find your voice.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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Give yourself an abundance of grace.

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On Being Rooted (Blog #428)

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It’s 3:30 in the afternoon, and for the next week I’ll be house sitting for friends, which means that not only will my upcoming posts be uploaded faster (WIFI!), they’ll also include cats. So prepare yourselves. Currently I’m on their back porch, and it’s hot as balls. It’s not even summer, and Arkansas is already doing it’s humidity thing. I could go inside, of course, but I’m thinking it wouldn’t hurt me to stay out here and sweat. With any luck I’ll cleanse myself of that chocolate pudding I ate earlier today.

Change of plans. I just noticed there’s a fan.

In a few hours I’m planning to attend a fundraiser/dance with one of my former students and current friends. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve heard there will be drinks, dancing, and even a food truck. (Diet starts tomorrow.) That being said, it should be an all-night affair, and that’s why I’m blogging now. (I’ll schedule this to post later.) I’ve only been up for a few hours and already want a nap, so I just can’t write late tonight. Granted, I could–I have before–but more and more, I’m considering “write first, play later” an exercise in self-kindness.

You have everything you need.

Along this line of thinking, after tonight, at least for a few days, I’m hoping to leave the house as little as possible. Rather, I’d like to lounge around, read, write, and Netflix. I need to take it easy. I brought several books, but I’m telling myself I don’t HAVE to read them. I don’t HAVE to finish even one. I’m always thinking that healing or self-knowledge is at the end of “the next” book, but yesterday I thought, Enough, Marcus. You’ve read enough. Keep reading if you want to, but you already have everything you need to succeed in life.

One of my goals while house sitting this week is to do some writing outside of the blog, some more inner work. Sometimes I tell people that I think it’s interesting the way the subconscious works. For over a year I’ve been sitting down to spill my guts on the internet, and more often than not, I have no idea what’s going to land on the page. Consequently, one of the most fascinating things that’s happened this last year has been for me to see what “themes” have organically come up in my life as a result of this project–themes like abundance, self-acceptance, and trust in both my body and life, the universe, or God.

You know, little things like that.

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve spent a lot of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. As a result, when I see things like the above-mentioned themes “pop up” in my life,” sometimes it feels like seeds are being planted here (in me) that won’t grow. On one hand I can see clearly that I’m being invited to see and experience the world differently than I have for the last three decades, but on the other it feels like a tease, something that’s too good to be true.

Ultimately, I think that’s the struggle I deal with on the daily–whether or not life itself is fundamentally good. Of course, this isn’t a question to be taken lightly, something you figure out over a plate of fried mozzarella sticks or a glass of beer. It’s a serious question.

Recently I was discussing with a friend the difference between believing something in your head and believing it in your heart. Personally, I think that any good idea or life philosophy starts out as just an idea, something that sounds good or maybe even something that doesn’t. Either way, I see it as a seed that has the potential to grow. Given the right care, attention, and enough experiences to back it up, I think a thought can eventually become a belief that’s so deeply rooted in your body and soul that nothing–nothing–can ever shake it. And if it’s “the right” belief, nothing can ever shake you either.

I mean, how different would your life be if you believed from the top of your head to the tips of your toes that life itself was not just good but really good? What if that belief pervaded your entire being? Imagine how it could anchor you in a storm.

You’re more rooted than you realize.

I think I’m in the process of trying out my thoughts and beliefs, of figuring out scientifically, Is the universe abundant? Is it possible to have peace in the midst of chaos? How does my world change when I’m brave enough to let love in and out of my heart? These are the issues I’d like to explore this next week in my non-blog writing. I’m sure some of it will make it onto the web, but I’d like to sit down and start listing–recognizing for myself–all the seeds that have been planted in my life that are currently growing or have already becoming towering trees. I think that would remind me that I’m more rooted than I realize. I think looking back and seeing my slow path of growth would affirm what I know to be true deep down in my being–that all things in good time–bloom.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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All great heroes, at some point, surrender to the unknown.

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Rewiring (Blog #426)

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I sat down to blog over two hours ago and got distracted. Damn Facebook and the Googles. (Sounds like a band name.) Now it’s 2:30 in the morning, and I’m ready for bed, carb-happy and insulin-tired from the entire chicken barbecue pizza I ate earlier tonight. Seriously, I’m worn out from all that eating. When I got home after dinner tonight, I held my bloated belly and told my dad (who weighs well over 300 pounds), “Ugh–I feel fat.”

He said, “Marcus–you’re not fat.”

Aren’t parents great?

It feels like all I’ve done today is eat. Technically I’ve only had two meals, but if you count Crown Royal as a protein shake, then three. Anyway, it all started with Mexican this morning for my friend Bonnie’s birthday. (We celebrated generally in Nashville this last weekend, but specifically–with tacos and margaritas–today, her actual birthday.) Then I had a shot of Crown this evening before an improv comedy show I was supposed to be in, then ate the whole pizza when I found out the show had been canceled (long story). What can I say? I was mourning the loss of a job.

This afternoon I saw my therapist, and we talked mostly about my health, since I saw both my primary care physician and immunologist yesterday. (I wrote about what they told me here.) My therapist said that she understood my frustration that my immunologist didn’t find anything wrong, but also said, “What’s YOUR GUT say about it?” I said, “My gut says that it’s really good news–that my body is stronger than I’ve been giving it credit for–and that this is a lot better than having to take an expensive shot every month for god-knows-how-long.”

“That’s what my gut says too,” she said. Then we talked about some of the recommendations my primary care physician gave me yesterday (like CBD oil for essential tremors), and I told her that my internal expectation was that solving any of my health problems was going to be a struggle, that I’d probably have to try fifteen brands before one of them worked, if one worked at all. Super optimistic, I know, but it touches on a theme that comes up a lot in therapy, namely, my subconscious programming. My therapist calls it my “hardwiring,” my core thoughts and beliefs that positively or negatively influence my way of seeing the world on a daily basis. She said, “What if I told you it’s possible for your body to figure things out, or for the universe to provide an answer to this problem without your having to run yourself ragged looking for one?”

“I’d LIKE to believe that,” I said, “but it just bucks against my–my–um–”

“Hardwiring,” she said. “Thank you. Thank you for being honest. But you’re willing to ENTERTAIN the idea?”

“Yes, I’m willing to entertain the idea.”

My therapist said that my thoughts about healing are directly related to my thoughts about abundance. She said, “I KNOW you’re having physical problems. I would never tell you it’s all in your head. Fuck anyone who would. What I am saying is that we think abundance just has to do with physical possessions, and that is part of it. But abundance is an entire mindset that sees the universe as a place which can provide whatever it is we need–information, healing. It’s about KNOWING that you’re supported in ALL situations.”

“That’s a big jump for me emotionally,” I said.

She replied, “I know, and rewiring yourself isn’t easy, but we can work on it together. And I’ve seen you do much harder things.” Then she said it again. “I’ve seen you do much harder things.”

Give yourself a break.

My therapist said I should start by giving myself a fucking break. “STOP being so damn productive all the time, watch Netflix, and take a nap,” is the way she put it. “Your body wants to rest, Marcus, but you have all these rules about things you think you need to do. Enough with the rules already.” Oh my god, there’s a can a worms–all the things I think I’m supposed to do, not do. We’d be here all night if I started listing them. Anyway, I do think my therapist is onto something. So I’m hoping to work on dismantling my hardwiring a little at a time–by breaking my own rules, resting, or giving my body a break as often as possible. Mostly, I’m trying to trust that the universe will support me–indeed, already is supporting me–in changing something that often feels unchangeable (my mind), in removing my old wires and laying down new ones the only way anyone can–one wire at a time.

Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)

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If anything is ever going to change for the better, the truth has to come first.

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