Earlier today I read that the spiritual life is, necessarily, a lonely one. For one thing, if you’re truly walking YOUR path, no one else is on it. Not that it doesn’t cross now and then with the paths of others, or even converge with theirs for a while, but the point remains. PERSONAL growth is not a GROUP endeavor. For another thing, when you explore your interior and choose daily (or at least weekly) to sit in and work through your thoughts and emotions, obviously nobody can crawl inside you and help you out with that. (If they could, that’d be weird.) Not that a good friend or therapist can’t witness parts of your journey, but they certainly can’t do The Hard Work for you. At the end of the day, you’re left with yourself–alone and sometimes lonely.
This is not the worst thing in the world, although there are days when it feels like it. Often, like today, I wish I had a partner or someone who could help pay the bills or shore me up whenever I feel emotionally spent. But even if I had such a person, they still couldn’t “work out my salvation” for me. I keep saying this, but this is only a job I can do for myself, only a job you can do for yourself. This (I think) is implied in Jesus’s admonition to “enter in by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and many are those who enter in by it.” That is, entering in by the narrow gate isn’t something you do with others, although following the crowd is always easier. No, it’s something you do in solitude.
Today itself was lovely. The particular details don’t matter to this conversation, but I exercised, saw some friends, and saw some family. And whereas one of my friends said, “What’s new in your life?” I didn’t have much of an answer. “Uh, my knee rehab is coming along,” I said. Because it’s awkward when someone asks you in casual conversation how you are to dive deep and say that what’s new in your life is your interior, the way you relate to yourself, the divine, and others. You can’t pull out your phone and show someone a picture of your emotional guts the way you would if you’d been to Disneyland. (If you could, that’d be weird.) Plus, inner transformation isn’t something most people talk or get excited about. And yet, you know, dear reader, that personal insights and points of growth are exciting–at least for the person who experiences them.
I know they’re exciting for me, and I’d like to talk about them more.
Maybe this sounds like an odd thing to say, considering I basically spill my insides all over the internet (or at least this website) every day, every damn day. But the truth is there are a lot of things I DON’T talk about here, either because they’re too personal or it wouldn’t be appropriate to do so. Plus, there’s an idea in spiritual circles regarding silence. Indeed, many spiritual initiates take a vow of silence. Like, keep your mouth shut, junior. I don’t know fully why. Because most people aren’t interested. Because when you talk about the deepest parts of yourself the way you gossip about celebrities, it cheapens that which is truly beyond value. Because The Path is profoundly personal and isn’t meant to be advertised–it’s meant to be walked.
It’s meant to be walked alone.
So now we’re back to loneliness.
Three of the four gospels say that Simon of Cyrene carried Jesus’s cross for him. Only John says Jesus carried it himself. And whereas I’m not here to debate the apparent contradiction in the gospels or even the veracity of the story itself, I personally think John got it right. Because when Jesus was in the garden praying, he was alone. Even his closest disciples couldn’t hang with him–they fell asleep. Because he faced the devil in the desert alone. Because he walked on water alone. Why wouldn’t he carry his cross alone? That cross had his name on it. It was HIS cross to carry. Think of the thing in your life that was absolute hell to go through but that absolutely changed the direction of your life (for better or for worse). Could anyone else have even tried to carry that cross for you? (No.) This, I believe, is one of the symbolic meanings of the cross. Our burdens (our challenges), if we are willing to bear them, to surrender ourselves to them and even crucify ourselves upon them, can ultimately transform us.
Only you are with you your entire life. You might as well get to know yourself.
I realize all of may not be encouraging. Sign up for The Hard Work–it’s tough, excruciating even, often lonely, and you won’t really have anyone to talk to about it. Still, it’s as honest as I know how to be. And despite the fact that I’m highlighting an inevitable challenge of personal growth–loneliness and solitude–I highly recommend The Path. Because ultimately you’re alone anyway. That is, only you are with you your entire life. Only you can think your thoughts and feel your emotions. Maybe you can try to share them with others (like I am now), but they are yours first and foremost, and sharing them doesn’t change the fact that it’s your job (or mine) to deal with them. Nobody else could even if they wanted to. (They don’t, by the way, they’ve got their own to deal with.) Yes, you might as well get to know yourself–difficult feelings and all–because, at the end of the of the day, you’re it.
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"When you’re authentic, your authenticity is enough. You don’t need to compare."
