Judge me all you want, but I traditionally suck at Mother’s Day. I mean, my mom’s not really into “stuff” or “things,” so I usually get her just a card, and sometimes we go out to eat, and sometimes Dad pays for it. (They say confession is good for the soul, and they must be right because I feel pretty good right now.) All that being said, I did a LOT better today, but before I can tell you about it, we need to back up a year.
Last year, I totally spaced out about Mother’s Day, and I’d planned to see the musical Beauty and the Beast in Fayetteville with a friend. Well, that morning my friend called and said, “Marcus, I’m sick. I know it’s short notice, and I’m sorry, but try to find someone else to go.” So it was all very last minute, but I took my mom to the show, and we both had a great time. (I cried.) And then we headed to Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse because it’s fancy and I like fancy things and they were also the only place that took same-day reservations online.
(I didn’t tell Mom where we were going to eat until we got there.)
Well, when we pulled into the restaurant parking lot, Mom’s face lit up, and she said, “Oh, Marcus, Ruth’s Chris! I’ve ALWAYS WANTED to go here, but never thought I’d get to.” (Talk about a win.) And for the last year, she’s consistently told me what a great day she had, how it was one of the best days of her life. (Dad’s response was, “Uh, hello. What about the day you married ME?”)
About a month ago, I cashed in some credit card points for a gift card to Ruth’s Chris, so I asked Mom if she wanted to go back, and she didn’t hesitate to say yes. A day or so later, she said, “Let’s go back for Mother’s Day.” Well, earlier this week I noticed there were a couple shows going on this weekend, so I asked Mom if she wanted to go to one and make a day of it. I said, “The first one is a play, a comedy, and it’s indoors. The second is like a circus, so it’s in a tent.” Mom said, “I’d love to go, and I like air conditioning.”
So our Mother’s Day started this afternoon when my mom and I went to see a play called The Dingdong. (Let your imagination run wild.) The play was basically about a husband and wife, both of whom are considering having an affair, so it was this big slapstick situation with five actors playing over a dozen roles and all sorts of potential lovers hiding in closets and under couches and one person walking in just as another person walks out. It really was delightful, and I don’t know that I’ve ever heard Mom laugh so much, but—thanks to three years of therapy—I kept thinking, These people have TERRIBLE boundaries.
Here’s a picture from the play. If you get a chance to see it (the play, not the picture), it’s at Theater Squared in Fayetteville for three or four more weeks.
After the show, we had a lot of time to kill before dinner, so we went to the square and did some window-shopping, and I bought a thank-you card that says, “Much obliged.” I don’t know who’s going to get the card, so if you want it, feel free to do something really swell for me. Currently I’m in need of medium-sided shirts, a job, and a husband that preferably looks like or is Zac Efron. (I know that’s asking for a lot, but this is an EXTREMELY NICE thank-you card.) Anyway, the store had a really cool neon sign that said, “I bet you look good on the dance floor,” so I asked the girl at the counter to take a picture of Mom and me below the sign. Mom explained, “My son’s a dancer.” (The girl didn’t seem impressed.)
Next we looked around at a vintage store, and then we went to Starbucks because Mom has only been to Starbucks one other time in her entire life. (Amazing, I know.) So we just sat for over an hour and talked. Maybe that doesn’t seem like a big deal, but Mom has spent so many years not talking because of her depression, it’s actually a big deal. Before we left, we took another photo, and Mom told me that it was so nice because we never take photos together, and she also told me that I was required to print them out so she could frame them.
After Starbucks, we went to Ruth’s Chris, and we were there for over two hours. Actually, we were the last ones to leave. If you’ve never been to Ruth’s Chris, sell everything you own and go. It’s great food and great service. Mom said, “I think this is the best meal of my life.” I said, “I really get off on fancy stuff like this—long meals, waiters who scrape the breadcrumbs off the table, bathrooms with individual hand towels.” Mom replied, “It’s like Downtown Abbey.”
Later she added, “I get off on stuff like that too.”
Our final stop for the evening was the buckyball at Crystal Bridges, this really cool geometric “art thing” that lights up and changes colors. Beneath it, there are reclined benches, so you can lie underneath the stars and look up at the lights and shapes. (Apparently, you can also make out with your girlfriend under a blanket, which is what the guy on the bench next to us did.)
On the way home, Mom talked the entire time, which she said was to help keep me awake. (It worked.) Later she said, “I hope I didn’t talk too much,” and even though I had thought, Mom is talking a lot more than normal, I started thinking about all the things I learned about her today, like what it was like when her parents divorced, and how her years with depression have made her a more compassionate person, and why she still feels guilty about that white lie she told over forty freaking years ago. And then I thought about how much closer I felt to her and said, “Mom, it’s okay. I don’t mind your talking. Besides, today literally had your name on it.”
[Mom, I love you. For everything, including bringing me into the world and a wonderful day, I’m much obliged.]
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Miracles happen."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If anything is ever going to change for the better, the truth has to come first.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you want to find a problem, you will.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Since one life touches another, we can never really say how far our influence goes. Truly, our story goes on and on in both directions. Truly, we are infinite.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Freedom lies on the other side of everything you're afraid of.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"There are a lot of benefits to being right here, right now."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"When you’re authentic, your authenticity is enough. You don’t need to compare."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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A mantra: Not an asshole, not a doormat.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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When you hide your hurt, you can’t help but pass it on. It ends up seeping, sometimes exploding out.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Nothing physical was ever meant to stay the same.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We don’t get to boss life around.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The symbols that fascinate us are meant to transform us.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There is a force, a momentum that dances with all of us, sometimes lifting us up in the air, sometimes bringing us back down in a great mystery of starts and stops.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Our struggles unearth our strengths.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Even if you can't be anything you want to be, you can absolutely be who you were meant to be. Don't let anyone else tell you differently.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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A storm can leave your life just as quickly as it enters it.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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One thing finishes, another starts. Things happen when they happen.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sometimes we move with grace and sometimes we move with struggle. But at some point, standing still is no longer good enough.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Some days, most days, are a mixed bag. We cry, we laugh, we quit, we start again. That's life. In the process, we find out we're stronger than we thought we were, and perhaps this is healing.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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More often than not, the truth is a monster. It gets in your face and makes you get honest. Sometimes the truth separates you from people you care about, if for no other reason than to bring you closer to yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Perfection is ever-elusive.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Allowing someone else to put you down or discourage your dreams is, quite frankly, anything but self-care.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Love stands at the front door and says, “You don’t have to change a thing about yourself to come inside.”
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you think only girls cry or that crying is inappropriate for some reason, fuck you. Some things are too damn heavy to hold on to forever.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You know when someone crosses a line. You may not want to admit it, but you know.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sometimes life can really kick you in the balls and make you drop to your knees.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"That love inside that shows up as joy or enthusiasm is your authentic self."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Both sunshine and rain are required for growth.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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When the universe speaks—listen.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Of all the broken things in your life, you’re not one of them–and you never have been.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can rise above. You can walk on water.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We can rewrite our stories if we want to.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It’s hard to say where a kindness begins or ends.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Our shoulders weren’t meant to carry the weight of the world.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Each season has something to offer.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Take your challenges and turn them into the source of your strengths.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It's the holes or the spaces in our lives that give us room to breathe and room to rest in, room to contain both good and bad days, and--when the time is right--room for something else to come along.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Why should anyone be embarrassed about the truth?"
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Some things simply take time and often more than one trip to the hardware store.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Give yourself a break.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Life proceeds at its own pace.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There's a wisdom underneath everything that moves us and even the planets at its own infallible pace. We forget that we too are like the planets, part of a larger universe that is always proceeding one step at time, never in the wrong place, everything always right where it belongs.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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No emotion is ever truly buried.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Growth and getting far in life have nothing to do with where you’re physically standing.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sure, we forget it plenty of times, but on the inside we’re all shining. This is what gives me hope, knowing that we are all radiant.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We're allowed to relabel and remake ourselves.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Ultimately, we all have to get our validation from inside, not outside, ourselves.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Damn if good news doesn't travel the slowest.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Healing is like the internet at my parents’ house—it takes time.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Even a twisted tree grows tall and strong.
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We follow the mystery, never knowing what’s next.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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I don't think anyone came to this planet in order to get it right the first time. What would be the point?
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We can hang on and put everything safely in its place, and then at some point, we’re forced to let go.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can’t change what happened, but you can change the story you tell yourself about it.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Give yourself an abundance of grace.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"It's really good news to find out that the world isn't as scary as you thought it was."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If life can create a problem, it can also provide an answer.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The clearer you see what's going on inside of you, the clearer you see what's going on outside of you. It's that simple.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It’s not where you are, it’s whom you are there with.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It's never a small thing to open your home or heart to another person.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Help is always on the way.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Love is all around us.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Just as there’s day and night literally, there’s also day and night emotionally. Like the sun, one minute we’re up, the next minute we’re down. Our perspectives change constantly. There’s nothing wrong with this. The constellations get turned around once a day, so why can’t you and I? Under heaven, there’s room enough for everything–the sun, the moon and stars, and all our emotions. Yes, the universe–our home–is large enough to hold every bit of us.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We are all connected in a great mystery and made of the same strong stuff.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Stop buying your own bullshit.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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No one is immune from life’s challenges.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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So perhaps perfection has little to do with that which changes and everything to do with that which doesn't. For surely there is a still, small something inside each of us that never changes, something that is timeless and untouchable, something inherently valuable and lovable--something perfect.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Healing is never a straight line.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The deepest waters are the only ones capable of carrying you home.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You've got to believe that things can turn around, that even difficult situations--perhaps only difficult situations--can turn you into something magnificent.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Getting comfortable in your own skin takes time.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Rest gives us time to dream. One day, for certain, you’ll wake up. And you’ll be grateful for the time you rested, and you’ll be just as grateful that you’re different, far from the person who fell asleep.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Beautiful isn’t something that comes in a particular package. Beautiful is simply being yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Boundaries aren’t something you knock out of the park every time.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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No good story ever ends.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There’s nothing wrong with taking a damn nap.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Who’s to say that one experience is better than another?
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Your emotions are tired of being ignored.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Kindness is never a small thing."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Answers come built-in. There are no "just problems."
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We all need to feel alive.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We are surrounded by the light.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Storms don’t define us, they refine us.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"The truth is right in front of you."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can’t play small forever.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Normal people don’t walk on water.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Anything and everything is possible.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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And God knows you don't make everyone else happy. But this is no reason to quit or be discouraged, since doing what you love and feel called to do is never--never--about gaining acceptance from others.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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When we expect great things, we see great things.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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None of us is ever really lost. At least we're never really alone. For always there is someone to help point your ship in the right direction, someone who sees you when you can't see yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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What are you really running away from?
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Rejecting yourself is what really hurts.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"It's never a minor thing to take better care of yourself."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You absolutely have to be vulnerable and state what you want.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Healing requires letting go of that thing you can’t let go of.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All great heroes, at some point, surrender to the unknown.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sometimes you have to go back before you can go forward.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Not knowing what's going to happen next is part of the adventure."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You really do belong here.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We think of hope as something pristine, but hope is haggard like we are.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"We were made to love without conditions. That's the packaging we were sent with."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Obviously, God's capable of a lot. Just look around."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There’s no such thing as a small action. There’s no such thing as small progress.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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As taught in the story of the phoenix, a new life doesn't come without the old one first being burned away.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Whatever needs to happen, happens.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Your story isn’t about your physical challenges.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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In this moment, we are all okay.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We’re all made of the same stuff.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not true.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Whereas I've always pictured patience as a sweet, smiling, long-haired lady in a white dress, I'm coming to see her as a frumpy, worn-out old broad with three chins. You know--sturdy--someone who's been through the ringer and lived to tell about it.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can’t stuff down the truth—it always comes up.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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I believe that God is moving small universes to communicate with me and with all of us, answering prayers and sending signs in unplanned moments, the touch of a friend's hand, and the very air we breathe.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There’s a lot of magic around you.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Authenticity is worth all the hard work. Being real is its own reward."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There’s nothing you can do to change the seasons or hurry them along.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can't build a house, much less a life, from the outside-in. Rather, if you want something that's going to last, you have to start on the inside and work your way out, no matter how long it takes and how difficult it is.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You've really got to believe in yourself and what you're doing. Again, it comes down to integrity and making something solid of yourself, something that's so well-built on the inside that it can handle any storm.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"The heart sings for its own reasons."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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A break is no small thing to give yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All things are moving as they should.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Pressure, it seems, is necessary to positive internal change. After all, lumps of coal don't shine on their own.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Life is never just so. Honestly, it’s a big damn mess most of the time.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Beating yourself up is a far cry from self-respect."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"No one's story should end on the ground."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"I believe we're all courageous, and I believe that no one is alone."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Things that shine do better when they're scattered about."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Abundance is a lot like gravity--it's everywhere.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"We all have inner wisdom. We all have true north."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Nothing is set in stone here.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If another's perspective, another's story about you is kinder than the one you're telling yourself, surely that's a story worth listening to.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you’re making yourself up to get someone else’s approval–stop it–because you can’t manipulate anyone into loving you. People either embrace you for who and what you are–or they don’t.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Aren’t you perfect just the way you are?
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We always have more support than we realize.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Suddenly the sun breaks through the clouds. A dove appears--the storm is over.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Perhaps this is what bravery really is--simply having run out of better options, being so totally frustrated by the outside world that all you can do is go within.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can be weird here. You can be yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Life is better when we're not in control. When we mentally leave room for anything to happen, anything can.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Our world is magical, a mysterious place where everything somehow works together, where nothing and no one is without influence, where all things great and small make a difference.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Go easier on yourself.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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There’s a power that comes when you meet life’s challenges head-on. Those are the times you breathe the deepest. Those are the times the waters come forth and your heart beats every bit as loud as the thunder claps. Those are the times you know more than ever—no matter what happens next—in this moment, you’re alive.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sometimes the best you can do is metaphorically sit you ego down, look it square in the eye, and say, “Would you shut the fuck up already?”
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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A friend’s laughter takes us backward and carries us forward simultaneously.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you're not living a fully authentic life, a part of you will never be satisfied.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. And whereas it's just a single step, it's a really important one.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Nothing was made to last forever.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It’s never too late to be your own friend.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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We may never be done, but that doesn't mean we'll never be complete. And surely we are complete right here, right now, and surely there is space enough for the full moon, for you and for me, and all our possibilities.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Things are only important because we think they are.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Sure, people change, but love doesn't."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"No one comes into this life knowing how to dance, always moving with grace."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Life doesn’t need us to boss it around.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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if you're content with yourself and you're always with yourself, then what's the problem?
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Any mundane thing–an elevator ride!–can be turned into something joyous.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All emotions are useful.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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As the ocean of life changes, we must too.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Our burdens are lighter when we share them.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"Sickness and health come and go, just like everything else. It's just the way life is."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Abundance comes in many forms.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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If you want to become who you were meant to be, it's absolutely necessary to shed your old skin. Sure it might be sad to say goodbye--to your old phone, to your old beliefs, anything that helped get you this far--but you've got to let go in order to make room for something new.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Just because your face is nice to look at doesn’t mean you don’t have a heart that’s capable of being broken. These things happen to humans, and there isn’t a one of us who isn’t human.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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One day a change will come.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All things become ripe when they’re ready.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Solid help and solid hope are quite the same thing.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Your life is a mystery. But you can relax. It’s not your job to solve it.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Everything is progressing as it should.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Boundaries are about starting small, enjoying initial successes, and practicing until you get your relationships like you want them.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You have everything you need.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Better that you're true to yourself and the whole world be disappointed than to change who you are and the whole world be satisfied.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All your scattered pieces want to come back home.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Transformation doesn’t have a drive thru window. It takes time to be born again.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Every stress and trauma in your life is written somewhere in your body.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It's enough to sit in, and sometimes drag ass through, the mystery.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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For all of the things life takes away, it gives so much more in return. Whether we realize it or not, there’s always grace available.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It takes forty years in the desert for seas to part.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It’s okay to ask for help.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Sometimes you have to give up wanting something before you can have it.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Everything is all right and okay.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Bodies are so mysterious, much more complicated than car doors. They take more patience to understand and work with. They require more than a couple hours to repair.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Along the way you’ll find yourself, and that’s the main thing, the only thing there really is to find.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
"You can't change your age, but you can change what your age means to you."
Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Being scared isn’t always an invitation to run away. More often than not, it’s an invitation to grow a pair and run toward.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can be more discriminating.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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No one dances completely alone.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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It’s enough just to be here.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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All the while, we imagine things should be different than they are, but life persists the way it is.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You can’t pick and choose what you receive from life, and you can’t always accurately label something as bad.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The more honest you are about what's actually happening inside of you, the happier you are.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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The truth doesn’t suck.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Confidence takes what you have and amplifies it. Confidence makes anyone sexy.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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In other words, there's always SOMETHING else to improve or work on. Therefore, striving for perfection is not only frustrating, it's also technically impossible.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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For me, it's important to hang on to this idea that no matter how bad they are, your circumstances can turn around, to believe that if an elephant can show up in your life, it can also disappear, to believe that just as the universe full of big problems, it is also full of big answers.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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You’re exactly where you need to be.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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Patting yourself on the back is better than beating yourself over the head.
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Quotes from CoCo (Marcus)
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For I am a universe–large–like you are, and there is room here for all that we contain. An ego, of course, is small, and it is disgusted and humiliated by the smallest of things. But a universe is bigger than that, much too big to judge itself or another, much too big to ever question how bright it is shining.
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